Mind Body and Trauma

[manuel_moe_g]

Unfortunately (or fortunately, don’t know which) I don’t have good coping mechanisms to speak of that I can hide behind, my distress feels like it always reaches the surface

Wow, I am in awe of your work, Mental Fairy

I am determined to barf it all out during therapy, because I am paying so much for the session in cash and time and attention! Ha! Part of it is my cheapness, my totally emptying my soul to my therapist!

Please take care, Gia. Wow, you are amazing!

[Mental Fairy]

Good Morning Team

Well i am about as silly as it gets. I had therapy today and was fifteen minutes late as i got the time wrong. Lucky i live 2km from the clinic. The therapist is right across from my work.

Restless night of dreams, then awoken to cat dragging a toy in the bedroom and duck pecking at the cat flap. I got to feeding the wildlife and making a start on breakfast for myself i became very nervous. In my haste i rushed out the door after looking at the time and tried putting shoes on while rushing to the car all while i was yelling at myself for being so late and taking my eye off the time. Oh i would love to be back in bed today.

Get to the therapist office and collapse into the chair of choice. Alan mentions i look well and internally i congratulate myself on pulling that off!!
If i look ok then people won't bother me.

I let him in on my internal turmoil and he sits and listens, all the while making notes or writing his shopping list.

If i had gone last week i would of crawled in and sat in the corner rocking, but today the dust has settled. The week i wanted over is almost over and the weekend is upon me with open arms of some sleep and housework. My home is in need of a good spring clean, as that helps the anxiety levels. I do love to clean.

Alan wanted me to pass on a message to you all, he said he is forever grateful for you all individually. You each play an intricate part in my life, recovery and moving forward. He has seen a big change in some areas. There are days where i feel i have no place to go. Yes, i have a home. Yes, i have a job but i also have you all on the forum. The days when i feel all doors are closed to me and i'm unable to speak and get across how i am feeling i have this location to go always.

I know we may never meet, but i wish we all could. I am grateful for the words you all type out, expressions of feelings and emotions. It is kind of like some secret club with its secret pathways that lead to some amazing places in the mind.

On my drive to the lab yesterday to drop off our biopsies i got to thinking while sitting at what felt like a never ending red light. What would the world be like if there was an entire population made up of me, or you or someone else. That the population was made up of one person but in multiple countries and multiple entities but of the same one person. One thing is it would be impossible to tell whom was the one whom everyone else was copied of. Would there be war? would there be hatred, would there be laws! That is what happens to my brain at a never ending red light!!!

Today is paperwork day so i am at the office getting prepared for next weeks lists of patients and going through results of this week. I feel this weekend will be my cleaning weekend and gaining some control! I will attempt to read my book and complete it.
We have dinner with Joes grandpa whom turned 90....something, as i can't remember what number. We will behaving fish and chips as he requested that. I will put a candle in the fish!

Did therapy help, meh. Maybe. But i feel this forum helps much more.

I do sit there and scream inside and come across as sane!

Thank you Manuel Moe for your question yesterday, really got me thinking.

[oak]

Mental Fairy thank you for sharing your lovely post.

I am glad each of us has helped you, and that your lovely therapist is grateful for what the forum has provided for you.

Just as importantly, thank you for all the value and experience/strength/hope you’ve brought to us, and me. Well done.

For funsies, if you think of it, few free to ask him this: if a cutie approaches me with unambiguous signals of interest, can he recommend me saying the following?: “You seem cool. Would you like to meet for a coffee after work on Wednesday?”

Also, a profound question, raised there at the red light.

Above all, well done for having the court to attend the session. Keep us posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

Thank you Oak.

I was on a morning walk in the mist this morning thinking about therapy yesterday. I was late, unsettled and uninspired.

Am I going back? Not sure. I felt so bad for being late it through me off.

I listened to the latest episode of mental healthy happy hour and it so struck a cord. That was so me a few years ago. Currently feel like I’m slowly going back down that path at times. I did have a little flip out last night. The anger and anxious feeling swamped over me. Lost my temper. Couldn’t sleep.

I wish life was more balanced

[rivergirl]

Hi Gia,

I've just been catching up on your posts again.

I'm happy that this forum has made a difference for you. I hope you continue to feel like it's a safe place to share anything you're thinking and feeling.

You mentioned feeling that all doors are closed and nowhere to express yourself but here. I related to that feeling immediately. It can be difficult to find others who can witness your pain without wanting to turn away or to get you to move past it immediately. And sometimes I think even when those people are present, it's difficult to trust them enough to be vulnerable.

A couple of your posts made me feel like crying, especially when you mentioned thinking about when you're gone. I'm glad you feel safe to express those thoughts, and I can assure you that for what it's worth your life has made a difference to me.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you RG, it means a lot.

I have decided therapy is not for me. After the last session i don't think i can do it again. I am unable to express how i am feeling, the door i need to open to get there is currently stuck, i turn the door knob and kick at the door but i can't get it all out. And what i do get out of this internal me is very much downplayed, filtered and brushed over. I don't feel like i can go on with it. I walked away filed with anger and resentment and i don't know why.
The weekend was spent doing chores, gardens and i took my niece to the movies. (something i have not done in six years)

Currently feel defeated. My joints are painful from the medication i am on for this bowel disease. I am aware things are progressing and despite all efforts of an extremely healthy lifestyle i still can't beat it. No amount of sleep seems enough, nothing seems enough.

Something i noticed yesterday was our lovely neighbours were having a disagreement about something. Nothing major just a little bickering. They are a very happy couple married for many many years. Kids all grown up and left home. We adore them as they are your dream neighbours.
Anyway, they were having a bicker about something and the weather all weekend has been terrible. I like the rain so i was happy! However, we heard the bickering and i immediately went inside and noticed i felt shame. I felt it because i heard it. I was outside filling up birdbath and sorting the ducks. As soon as i heard it i put the hose down and the feed the ducks and went to my bedroom to lay down. I felt like a child again for a moment. I had echos of my past memories of fighting at home between my mum and her partners over the year. I always felt shame, i always felt it was my fault. I was the kid she didn't want. I hurt for a moment and then it passed.

Odd how the mind holds things like this.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy.

Maybe format is a bit obsessive/compulsive. (Others are so warm and fluid in their responses. I have trouble. )

But see inline -

Get to the therapist office and collapse into the chair of choice. Alan mentions i look well and internally i congratulate myself on pulling that off!!
If i look ok then people won't bother me

.

Quiet Desperation, understood and familiar.

Alan wanted me to pass on a message to you all, he said he is forever grateful for you all individually. You each play an intricate part in my life, recovery and moving forward. He has seen a big change in some areas. There are days where i feel i have no place to go. Yes, i have a home. Yes, i have a job but i also have you all on the forum. The days when i feel all doors are closed to me and i'm unable to speak and get across how i am feeling i have this location to go always.

It’s a privilege to be able to respond here, as mediocre and ineffectual as it all may be…

I know we may never meet, but i wish we all could.

Maybe someday!

I am grateful for the words you all type out, expressions of feelings and emotions. It is kind of like some secret club with its secret pathways that lead to some amazing places in the mind.

It's a privilege, really. Poking at a keyboard helps? Wow!
(Side note to "Amazing places in the mind". Great! But I've also been aware of the hall-of-mirrors aspect that my thinking sometimes has .... leaping quickly forward, and usually to negative ends. Can get a bit dizzying at times. My burden not to be able to express these things, but to just quietly absorb...)

Did therapy help, meh. Maybe. But i feel this forum helps much more.

Whatever helps. (We’ll send you the bill )

I was on a morning walk in the mist this morning thinking about therapy yesterday. I was late, unsettled and uninspired.

Am I going back? Not sure. I felt so bad for being late it threw me off.

Understandable, given the perceived power dynamic, but I’m sure that’s only in your mind, and it's not being held against you.

Currently feel like I’m slowly going back down that path at times. I did have a little flip out last night. The anger and anxious feeling swamped over me. Lost my temper. Couldn’t sleep. I wish life was more balanced.

Me too. A few weeks ago, everything seemed to be going well. But a little bad weather, a few stresses, jolts from the outside world, and bam, the old feelings again.

I have decided therapy is not for me.
The first thing he said was i had that mask on. I felt like kicking him in the teeth and leaving him my card! What else are we expected to do? Go out to the world and show our true feelings and get arrested, admitted or worse....buried!

After the last session i don't think i can do it again. I am unable to express how i am feeling, the door i need to open to get there is currently stuck, i turn the door knob and kick at the door but i can't get it all out. And what i do get out of this internal me is very much downplayed, filtered and brushed over. I don't feel like i can go on with it. I walked away filled with anger and resentment and i don't know why.

So take a break. Talking about things is difficult. Writers have mental block, why shouldn’t you have something similar? We are fucking complicated.

But if your therapist is downplaying things that’s not good. (Are they?). Why do you say that?
From our internal perspective we contain multitudes and are at the center of the world. (This is only natural, right?). That needs to be acknowledged before a perspective shift can be considered…

The weekend was spent doing chores, gardens and i took my niece to the movies. (something i have not done in six years).

Nice! Did you enjoy it? What did you see? (I’ve been going to the matinees fairly regularly for about a year now)

Currently feel defeated. My joints are painful from the medication i am on for this bowel disease. I am aware things are progressing and despite all efforts of an extremely healthy lifestyle i still can't beat it.

I’m not fighting anything at the moment but have been acutely aware of my mortality for decades now. Just waiting for the ax to fall.

No amount of sleep seems enough, nothing seems enough.

But *you* are enough! Remember that.
And I’m sorry you’re struggling with sleep. It can make all the difference. Don’t give up. Have you found any groups or online sites that are helpful?

I had echos of my past memories of fighting at home between my mum and her partners over the year. I always felt shame, i always felt it was my fault. I was the kid she didn't want. I hurt for a moment and then it passed.

Odd how the mind holds things like this.

That’s what our minds do.

Memory.

Without it, there can be no intelligence. But memories come linked to emotions. Balance is freaking hard.

I don't know about you but when i look back on some of my posts i don't recall writing them! I say to myself, wow that was a bad day!

I still remember all of mine, and have revisited them occasionally.
I can change myself, which is only half the trouble. The other half – the world – still pretty bad.

If I were omniscient, things would certainly be different.

“God Grant Me the Serenity..” – Yes please! In Spades!

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So, in disjointed conclusion -

Post Away! We are here to catch!

[oak]

Agreed, as always, with our good friend SnoringDog.

Mental Fairy, I encourage you to trust your instincts and run from this therapy.

Also, I wholly understand about getting weirded out by negativity: been there myself, my friend. The older I get the more I’m convinced that vibes are real.

I’m glad you got your dear ducks fed, and then said “deuces”.

https://giphy.com/gifs/nfl-im-out-gone-i-m-ClZxQjtI4XqdJnW3yR

[Mental Fairy]

Thanks all.

SD I went and saw puss in boots. Was nice to just sit and enjoy darkness while watching a kids film! Maybe that was my inner child popping out.

I’m currently curious about my little festering anger currently. It’s sitting just below the surface and I’m struggling to maintain cool calm and collective.
I am fairly sure I know why it’s there. But hard to process.

As I was walking down the driveway to work this morning I heard a noise similar to a gun shot and I honestly thought for a moment, thank you please let it be quick. I carried on walking thinking to myself what a mad thought and a little bit pissed off it was a false alarm. My god that sounds terrible doesn’t it.

[snoringdog]

Terrible, but not totally foreign.

Hmm, anger.

From a quick search -
https://mantracare.org/therapy/anger/causes-of-anger/
Has a list with twenty reasons, with some overlaps.

Frustration
Sense of injustice
Sense of powerlessness

Are the ones that resonate with me when I'm angry
With myself,
With others, or
With the world in general....

(Just now balancing between despondency and anger)