Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

I’m feeling quite psychologically safe at the moment.

You would think that way happiness lies.

But my mind usually takes it as, safe to… finally feel the dark feelings openly.

It’s been creaking and groaning with resentment, envy and contempt.

Safe enough to openly feel those unsafe feelings.

[manuel_moe_g]

Feel those feelings, Beany! To do otherwise is to indirectly magnify them

Glad to hear you are in a mentally safe place to explore. You rock, Mister Beany Boo!

[Beany Boo]

Totally agree MM

It feels a lot worse trying to stave them off than to just let them be.

[snoringdog]

"Let go or be dragged" as you've said.

That stuck with me...

[snoringdog]

Recently i have been struggling with eye contact more than normal. I can't seem to look up when out in public. I look away from people immediately. I don't want to be seen, i just want to complete a task and reclouse back to my cave.

Isn't it strange? I know that same feeling, and it's a physical thing, almost like shame. You just want to avoid and curl up. Haven't had it much recently, but it's a memorable state...

[snoringdog]

Somehow, in the flotsam and jetsam of evidence of late, I’ve discovered this habitual infantile brutality being elicited and the big change, stopped accepting it as natural

That's a great insight!
An automatic response identified and accommodated/quelled.

[snoringdog]

I’m also struggling to view the world as a bad place (without first checking on the Internet).

I guess I have some kind of wireless connection straight into my brain , since I don't need to check the Internet to darken my worldview. Automatic negative thoughts come all too easily.

But yesterday and today I said to myself "But today I'm taking care of *this* part of the world" when I started into ruminations after news of some events, and it helped.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks SD

[Beany Boo]

So I accepted feeling contempt, envy and resentment for a day. Mid-morning something strange happened.

I suddenly began to see those emotions in the faces and body language of people around me. It also seemed that they were either unaware of it themselves and/or involuntarily in the grip of those emotions.

My reaction to seeing this was unexpected.

I felt a fleeting but profound compassion for those people. I also felt recognition; that they weren’t so different from me after all.

It felt slightly like being on a deck on the ocean, interacting with these people while having this awareness. At one point, I asked a colleague, ‘how are you?’ They replied with the most authentic, assured ‘I don’t know’. I nearly fell over. Their honesty overwhelmed me. I’ve never felt so immediately honored by or proud of someone.

None of my extended family has displayed any capacity to process these deep, difficult emotions so I guess, why should I be any different? But the way people behave around me when I do is more than enough incentive to keep practicing.

[Beany Boo]

I’m finding it easier to act like myself this holiday. I feel like I’ve got nothing to lose. I feel less like a villain. I feel like people will just accept you how you come. And if they don’t, you protect yourself.

Accepting that shift, I feel a little less lonely in my own company.

I may never be ‘normal’ but I’m not actively pretending to be so anymore. To observe all of that without it being a cynical exercise is a blessed relief.