Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

I am currently at my desk doing a half day at work, going through results and so on then i got a text.

The text has left me feeling a little lost for breath, i feel in a way punched in the chest or somewhat odd in the stomach.

Full disclosure here, i am not a romance person. I do not deal well with affection as such. There is a shy away action if the moments present themselves. Yet i feel deep compassion for others. I do wish i was able to accept such kind words of affection and touch but i am unable to do so.

This text i assume is genuine and meant for me. However, i do not believe it nor do i understand it.

The text was from Joe. It was a simple text that said simply this. "i miss you today"

I don't know how else to say this but it made me feel sick. I know, i know, i know....it's silly. My immediate response is feeling sick and a reply to him asking if that was to the correct person.
I can see you shaking your head SD! I should be grateful. However i don't feel the same. I never have.

I became confused immediately. He never says this, not in person and not in text. Not ever. I also thought this must be for someone else and i can not shake that feeling. It's like a backpack on my pack filled with notes saying things like...trust him...enjoy him....accept this text....accept the compliment. But i am unable to work out how. There is a tug of war in my brain saying he is having an affair and i wouldn't blame him. I would not be surprised, everyone else has you have been with Gia. Gosh that sounds horrible. But that is how i feel. I don't know why. I don't understand this part of me.

I was so sure it wasn't for me that i also rung him. He answered very nonchalant and said he was bored today. Again i don't believe it was for me. I actually don't believe him.

This has been my sticking point in my marriage/partnership. We are not married really on paper officially as we had to rush it before mum died. Two weeks before she passed we rushed to get a wedding in order. Even then it was tiny and not formal at all. We did the marriage thing at breakfast so mum could sleep the rest of the day. I even tried climbing out of the bathroom window so i didn't have to face people. There was maybe 40 people there if that. I never changed my name legally as it had been changed so many times thanks to my father and his name causing me no shortage of issues.

Sitting here maybe overthinking things and stewing over this residual feeling i have. I don't much care for this feeling. It alarms me. My guard goes up and i become defensive and don't believe i can be missed, liked, loved or even thought of. My lack of self respect maybe? I am not sure. It makes me want to leave, shake it off and ignore it in a way. Madness i know.

This entire day has been odd. We awoke at 3am to a home across the paddock on fire. It was a blazing fire till about 6am. We sat on the deck for a little just watching these flames. I am unsure if anyone was hurt.
Then i did a load of washing and was listening to a podcast. Then out the corner of my eye i see something shoot across the floor and into my shoe!

Last weekend i said to Joe if i could choose a fantasy pet to have at home and care for it, it would be a dragon or a mini dinosaur! (yes i now, weird question but i do these things at random) He shakes his head and walks away every time.

Anywho....I am there this morning doing the washing and in my shoe is a little mini lizard. (Fred)

So to wrap this up, i am struggling with the "i miss you " text and i've learnt be careful what you wish for!
(photo to come)

My sleep monitor picked up six sleep cycles, 18% REM sleep,7% deep sleep and nine sleepwalking episodes. I am starting to think i could maybe compete in a marathon in my sleep without waking!

Anyways, that is my observation for the day and it is disturbing. I look back now and still think Joe is with the wrong person. I hate saying this but it feels true.
I don't judge anyone by looks ever, never have. I once fell for a lovely person whom was missing three front teeth, rough as a biker and rather free spirited. However i was again unable to accept any affection, any kind words from him and again i didn't believe the words he would say ever. Much like Joe.

Think i better get back to some work and try clear the brain of further self thought.

[Mental Fairy]

Fire this morning. The rock in the background is called Paratutu Rock. Our Mt Egmont coughed it up last time she blew her top off.

[Mental Fairy]

Fred my wishful dinosaur

[Mental Fairy]

My new addition to the family.

[manuel_moe_g]

What is between husband and wife can sometimes be painful

Please take care Gia/Mental Fairy

[oak]

As always, I am agreed with our good friend Manuel Moe.

And not that this forum has an "admission price", but goodness have you earned entry to this forum with your mother scheduling your wedding so she could take a nap later in the day.

Speaking of sleep, imitation is most sincere form of flattery: I made a thread about sleep habits in January. You are welcome to post as much as you like on it, Mental Fairy.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy.

So much in your posts! How many WPM do you type? One of my frustrations is that I'm hunt-and-peck. Felt an aversion to QWERTY because it was designed to thwart rapid typists. Played around with Dvorak for awhile back when...

And just now dug out a couple of microphones to take another stab at voice recognition. Another tech that was over-promised.

So many things rattling around in my brain - how to get them out?!. Somewhere I read that we have upwards of 6000 thought per day (!)

So - first things first.

The rock in the background is called Paratutu Rock. Our Mt Egmont coughed it up last time she blew her top off.

That...Is....Awesome. When did this explosion happen?

Fred my wishful dinosaur

Love it! Do you know the species?

We have "chameleons" (anoles) in Florida that look similar and change between green and brown.

When we were kids, we'd save our money and send away for them in the mail.
Came home from Catholic school for lunch and huzzah!... a box with air holes came in the mail!
Could only be one thing!

We opened the box and this tiny bright green lizard darted out and across the table, ran around, and jumped to the curtains. Almost took a dip in my grandmother's soup on the way! We named her Mable.

[Mental Fairy]

This one text has floored me. Sorry team, I guess Oak like your confession I must add mine. I’m useless at relationships and struggle with accepting one.

I felt like the wedding was for all the wrong reasons. Mum was so sick but she looked so beautiful. There was no isle but there was a little walk she was unable to do. Because my father wasn’t allowed there I felt it was not for me. Wasn’t what I wanted. Once I left the car on arrival the very man mum brought into this family whom was charged with raping his own daughters and attempted to abuse me was the one whom took me from the car and walked me to my mum. She then walked a few steps with me to a table that had candles that were lit by my mother in remembrance of all the family that died and unable to attend. There was so many candles.

Now that I am writing this out I can see that maybe that day was a live funeral for her.
She looked beautiful. I was in a whirlwind of loss and gaining speed down an emotional hole.

I’m starting to see little nuggets of events that have shaped me to be who I am.

I fear commitment because I fear loss.

I fear death, as I don't know what’s on the other side. However I fear living some days as I’m so tired from running from the very fears that’s got me here. Even today I’ve had moments where I feel like I can’t go on.

Something else just occurred to me.

The man whom mum brought into our lives said similar words to me once, the day he tried pulling me onto him in my home. He said he wanted to do things to me and from time to time would make inappropriate comments. When he hugged me he would run his hands over my chest when he let go of me. It makes me sick to think about.
Regardless I’ve been told things like I’m missed, loved, and so on. I absolutely love it when it’s from friends, I can take compliments from friends or patients. (Sort of!)

But, I absolutely 100% never accepted it from a partner. Not even Joe.

My dad used to say ‘love ya pop’. I do that with Matt all the time. Like all the time. Not a day goes by I don’t say it to Matt.
When dad would say it, I was given hope he cared. I was given a speckle of hope he might just love me. But he left us. He left me and he left many others.

Mum never said it till the end. Till the reaper came to cash in.

Nana, well I said it to her but I don’t recall it being said back.

My Grampy, all the time. Endless. And I said it back always.

Now I only say it to Matt. Very seldom Joe. I always do it to my niece and nephew.

I think that one text today and they feelings it’s brought on have confused me.

I think I need to go for a drive!

Thank you for putting up with me today. I am so sorry.

[Mental Fairy]

SD, you just made me laugh out loud! You can order them in the mail! Wow.

I think it’s a Gecko but I have no clue what one. We have so many types here. This ones tail stayed on the entire time we did laps of the house! Plus he squeaked like a mouse. No I didn’t stand on him.

He is back in the wild and loving life in the garden. Hope birds stay clear of him/her.

Last eruption here was 1854.
We have a few islands off the coast. Saddleback, Dickie Barrett island, seal island and Paratutu. All very close to shore. The other cone beside our Mount Egmont is Fanthams Peak. We are long overdue a toot or two of the hill.

She is known as the sleeping giant. She dictates out weather and makes the place feel complete when you look up and see her. The rangers are beautiful also.

Will take a drive around the hill this week and show you from different angles. Looks very different on the other side.

[Mental Fairy]

https://i.stuff.co.nz/timaru-herald/news/130988805/american-overwhelmed-with-offers-of-help-from-kiwis-after-getting-a-flat-tyre-in-timaru