Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Thank you for putting up with me today. I am so sorry.

Please don't be sorry at all.

Your posts reflect a life of so much abuse, neglect and pain.It's hard to know what to say.

(BTW, I'm not sure if you're even looking for comments, and I certainly want to tread very lightly..)

EMDR is something i have never done and wonder if it would help with my sleep walking and night terrors. I just can't face going back to the therapist. I feel so ashamed of that.

I read this, and was wondering what you meant. Where's the shame? Shame that you can't go back? Maybe now that some time has passed, you've covered some ground and know what to expect, maybe another session or two?

We all need help navigating the mental shitstorm that is life, right?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD. Honestly treading carefully is fine. You’re more than welcome not too also. I dare say I’ll find it helpful.

We have all been through mental health shit storms and I adore that this door is here for us.

Reflecting on this forum has been so incredibly helpful. Having you all is like having a family that knows far more than our own family and closest friends. There is not one person on the face of this planet that I have been so honest with.
Individually you all bring such a wealth in knowledge, understanding and friendship.

Maybe it’s the kiwi way but when we connect with others we would do anything to help others.

I need to think about this shame connected to thoughts. I maybe need to dig a little to find the root problem there.

I admire you all in such diverse ways.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Hope you are well today.

A couple of thoughts

The text was from Joe. It was a simple text that said simply this. "i miss you today"

Can you imagine a world where you'd simply texted back something like "Wow, I miss you too" with an emoji or something?

And why not now, even if it seems weird or too late, just text back something light on that thread. Start a small ongoing "text-world" dialog.

As far as therapy, you've maybe helped with wound debridement?
Kinda nasty, but the important first step toward healing. Maybe you can think of your first sessions in this way.

I do know the shame about going. I've thought "Why do I need this at all, everyone else seems so together", "I'm as smart as he/she is, what are they going to tell me that I don't already know", etc.

Years ago when I first went, talking just seemed to make me feel worse after a while. I chalk this up to maybe having the wrong therapist - not enough constructive guidance from them, something like CBT. Just seemed like navel-gazing after a while.

To me, there are two parts needed -

1. Why are you suffering? Why are you the way you are? What led up to this point?
2. What can we learn, and what can we do to make thing better and get on with our lives?

Thoughts?

SD

[oak]

I admire you all in such diverse ways.

Thank you, MentalFairy.

And we, and I, appreciate you.

Btw, since you’ve asked: I applied our sleep hygiene ideas last night, and definitely did better. I’ll keep you posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Hello All

Oak, yay! Whatever helps then use it. I was thinking about it yesterday and maybe some mindful meditation for 5min before bed? Start slowing the brain waves down?

SD, thank you. I awoke still feeling somewhat anxious. I think it boils down to trust issues and abandonment. Something like a nice text or comment from a person i care about makes me nervous. I get a feeling of impending boom!

This stems from the past for sure. I recall a birthday i got to have with my dad for a few hours, i was maybe 7 or 8. He picked me up in this flash car and it smelt so clean and nice. Took me to a home where he was living with his new partner whom i feared, hated and despised. What did she have my mum didn't? Why did he have more kids with others..i recall wondering that. He said he had a birthday present for me in the glovebox of his car but it was in the workshop getting fixed. Later i found out there was no other car, there was no gift, there was lie after lie after lie.

After dads death i went and sat with his partner to get the story on him and his life that i was not privy to. He was a prescription drug abuser. He was a criminal in every sense of the word and he was darn brainy!! He had a PHD, he had fingers in many pies, many crimes and many other things!

I have formed trust issues with everything. I don't trust easy. And i fear loss.

Example: When the cat goes out in the morning about 4am with me to do some laps of the yard and to chase her favorite toy, i lavish that moment. I also fear her not coming back if she doesn't come in before i go to work or get on with my day. This might sound odd but i am tearing up typing this.
When i jump in the shower post morning run or workout and slide the door open she is normally there all sprawled out on the carpet by the door ready for her belly rub and treats. If she is not there i will get an increased feeling of anxiety. I wonder how i could live without her?
Her simple purr, her patting of her feet on the floor or her meow and relaxing sigh she gives when she stretches fills me with relief and glee. The feeling of her fur when she cuddles in and the relief she brings is like magic.

**Where does this stem from?***

When i was about 10 years old i had a dog called Goldie. She would walk me to school and meet me at the gate each day. Once day when i was bowling at the local alley my mum came down and she would normally have goldie in the car. She never came that day. I never saw her again. Mum had her put down without telling me or anyone else for that matter. It must of triggered an emotion in me that i still get thinking about it, rage.
Goldie protected me from the rapes, the attempts and gave me a level of security in the bedroom at night. The night my brother was in the wardrobe hiding waiting for me to lay down Goldie growled in a way that i will never forget. That night she prevented an abuse on me.

Then she was gone. I had nothing, no defence and not even my voice and i had no one to trust or no one to support me. I think my other brother knew but i am to scared to ask to much about it. He has his own demons.

I understand you were very deep into the religion side of things there for a while SD and i can see why you would turn to such ways. Support, trust, acceptance and understanding? I felt i had none of that. I am only learning that feeling now in my early forties.
Yet i find it hard to accept.

Last night i found before spraying a fly i said i was sorry to it for having to wipe it off the planet! Yet i found a big grasshopper on the ceiling and went to great lengths to rescue and save him from Mazie. Relocating him/her outside and thanking it for popping by!
I don't like feeling this way and therapy was helpful at times when i was struggling with cases we deal with at work, the therapist is amazing. However, again that great shame looms over me for going.

My running, biking and love for the hill is there because that is where i can prove myself wrong in my thoughts. I feel strength, i feel well, i feel empowered. Then the chemicals in the brain hit and suddenly i am back to the start line again.

Thank you for asking SD. I have replied to Joe via text and said i was a little taken back by the comment. I find it hard to talk to him in person 80% of the time.
Matt got a call on Monday to say he has been accepted for Deep Sea Welding training via his engineering training. He rung his dad and informed him. I got a text from Joe saying for me to call him ASAP. So before i pick up to call thoughts go through my mind such as....What has Matt done? Is it an accident, do i want to call or ignore it so i don't have to hear potentially bad news? Does he want to leave me? Has he already left? Should i run away and never call!! I know, i know...

When he said Matt had great news and if it would be ok if he quits his 4am-8am job from next week onwards so he can focus on the training and his normal 9am- 6pm Engineering job i felt like i was going to throw up with relief no one was going anywhere! This is how deep rooted this is. However i know the risks Matts work will have and i understand this is his big moment. So now i will support my son and know i have done ok with him. He has work ethic and he has empathy. What more could i ask for? For him never to pass away before me. The loss thing comes back. I fear loss.

I even fear losing this forum.

On a bright note i don't fear age, i don't fear my grey hair, my changing skin, my uneven teeth. I couldn't care less if i look old or young. I am alive, i am here and i hurt from time to time. It is controlling the hurt and understanding it that i have trouble with.

That's my rant for the day.

Thank you for not tip toeing around me. I appreciate it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

thank you for writing this. i am guessing it wasn't easy

please take care, keep the lines of communication open

i too worry about losing the forum, it helps that we are under the benevolence of Paul G.

all the best

[oak]

Oak, yay! Whatever helps then use it. I was thinking about it yesterday and maybe some mindful meditation for 5min before bed? Start slowing the brain waves down?

Word!

I'll try that tonight and report how it goes. Thanks!

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing all that in your post. Very interesting.

Unfortunately I knew, as soon as I read that Goldie protected you, as to what Goldie was protecting you from.

If I may be blunt, I have a good idea about who your family of origin is, and what they're capable of.

I must say: you father sounds like quite the charachter. Goodness!

I even fear losing this forum.

We've been here over ten years, and like our good friend Manuel Moe says, the foundation is strong.

We'll be here for you. Just like your here for us.

Like the theme song of that show "Friends".

Speaking of the 90's, here is my favorite song ever. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ClCpfeIELw&ab_channel=DeepBlueSthingVEVO

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Thank you MM, i don't feel it was hard to write as such but more confronting and unfolding. More seems to awaken as i process events, emotional response and physical presentation.

Oak, you are also a rock of mine and the thought of this forum being here warms my heart that so many people care about each other. Even though we have never had the opportunity to meet.

SD, i have opened up a little to Joe. He was shocked at my thoughts and laughed it off, i'm not going to lie it hurt a little. That is how he is. Something else popped in my head today. I stress about dinner each night. I am the main cook and take great pride in my cooking. Thanks to my Nana.
Last night we had a little emergency with Joes Grandpa. I am about to head up to the hospital with him this avo to make sure he gets check over. I managed to prep tea before it all happened. However i was not so prepared today and have nothing planned. I got worried this morning and said sorry to Joe that i have not planned anything as yet. The feeling of failing to put dinner on the table does my head in. That has been a problem for years. If i fail to provide a meal i always say sorry as i feel i failed to provide. I believe this to be because my mum very rarely prepared a meal for me with love. Nana did all the time, but never mum. I draw the emotions from that and see how that made me feel. When i cook, i cook with so much emotion. It means something. Hence why i adore your food adventure Oak. And hence why i feel like i fail if i don't prepare a meal most nights. It is very rare for me not to cook two nights in a row even when on holiday!

Thank you all for putting up with my rocky start to the week. Oak, yes Goldie did protect me from my brother and sadly i wonder if she was put down due to her aggressive way with him. Makes me feel sick.

Mental hugs team. Thank you

[snoringdog]

SD, thank you. I awoke still feeling somewhat anxious. I think it boils down to trust issues and abandonment. Something like a nice text or comment from a person i care about makes me nervous. I get a feeling of impending doom!
------
Thank you for asking SD. I have replied to Joe via text and said i was a little taken back by the comment. I find it hard to talk to him in person 80% of the time.

Here's maybe a fun suggestion. Just like you mentioned awhile back here on the board, that Oak could post a picture of something he found fun or inspiring....

For the next week or so, with both Joe and Matt- just one light and innocuous text per day with a comment, an emoji, or a picture of one of the so-many marvelous things you happen upon and that you've posted here for us. Maybe that will help lighten things a bit.

SD, i have opened up a little to Joe. He was shocked at my thoughts and laughed it off, i'm not going to lie it hurt a little.

Not sure why it hurt... that he didn't take your fear seriously? On the other hand, maybe he laughed cause the idea was so foreign to him that he hadn't even considered it..

I understand you were very deep into the religion side of things there for a while SD and i can see why you would turn to such ways. Support, trust, acceptance and understanding? I felt i had none of that. I am only learning that feeling now in my early forties. Yet I find it hard to accept.

Yes, there’s so much I can write about this. It was an adventure, and we thought we were helping to change the world. (Never at all political though, I am happy to say.) But the euphoria didn’t last very long, and I've never found anything to replace it. All I can say is that people a lot smarter and more together than I have had religious epiphanies and wrestled with the metaphysical, so I should not be ashamed. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and I did learn quite a bit about life, myself, how people think and live.

Last night i found before spraying a fly i said i was sorry to it for having to wipe it off the planet! Yet i found a big grasshopper on the ceiling and went to great lengths to rescue and save him from Mazie. Relocating him/her outside and thanking it for popping by!
I don't like feeling this way and therapy was helpful at times when i was struggling with cases we deal with at work, the therapist is amazing. However, again that great shame looms over me for going.

Not sure if these thoughts are linked. But to me, it's a reverent and noble sentiment. We don't need to blindly dominate or destroy everything around us. Whitman wrote "A mouse is miracle enough to stagger sextillions of infidels". As are so many of the things around us, if we just stop and look.

I got a text from Joe saying for me to call him ASAP. So before i pick up to call thoughts go through my mind such as....What has Matt done? Is it an accident, do i want to call or ignore it so i don't have to hear potentially bad news? Does he want to leave me? Has he already left? Should i run away and never call!! I know, i know...

Overactive amygdala. I know the feeling when the phone rings, a text alert appears, or even when I’ve set an alarm to remind myself of an appointment.

Last night we had a little emergency with Joes Grandpa. I am about to head up to the hospital with him this avo to make sure he gets checked over. I managed to prep tea before it all happened. However i was not so prepared today and have nothing planned. I got worried this morning and said sorry to Joe that i have not planned anything as yet.

I’m sure he understands and doesn’t blame you.
Look at everything you’re doing.

They're lucky to have you, and C’mon! there's always takeout for times like this.

On the sleep thing, it's always fascinated me. With the sleep monitor, I wonder if you can uncover any patterns or timing to the sleepwalking and nightmares/night terrors. Have you started a spreadsheet? What kind of data is gathered, and how might it be analyzed? (If you're willing to discuss).

SD

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for your kind words.

While I have many faults, I’ve always never hid my flaws and issues (example: problem drinking prior to 2008, currently lonely, etc).

I think there is a certain beauty in these truths: an ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.

I’ve always tried to offer my truths, ugly as they sometimes are. I think people, even if they’ve never met in person, can instantly recognize authenticity.