Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Another experiment…

I feel disappointment after an incident.

Instead of wrapping it up quickly I set a deadline to finish the feeling in about four days. In experiential terms the feeling has no tangible end.

It feels like luxury where I can breathe and have integrity.

With no rush to finish or quell the feeling, there’s no pressure to ruminate.

It probably won’t take four days but feeling it could allows a depth and length that my regular cramped feelings hunger for.

[Beany Boo]

Putting a long deadline on experiencing a feeling seems to be seriously working.

I don’t feel so profoundly interrupted every time I am trivially interrupted.

I now feel like I am interfacing with a cr@$¥ world (instead of feeling cr@$¥ inside myself). I can be more patient and flexible with that struggling world as a result.

I don’t feel the urgency to resolve a feeling before being overwhelmed by the next ‘crisis’. The ‘crisis’ doesn’t feel so much like a crisis as a result.

I am enjoying feeling disappointed for a second day and continuing with my life simultaneously.

[Beany Boo]

Not a lot of words today.

A lot of feeling though.

Nothing I do or think is going to help. But a little voice is telling me, actually all the you’re already doing is enough.

I’ve just got to listen to it (the turmoil) and respect it (my limits).

The shift is palpable though. The last few days set me up well. The next few days are going to be interesting. I don’t usually hold out hope for solutions. I’m not really doing that here. But I do feel like I have mobility, despite being in the midst of the thunderstorm of emotion.

After a few days of predictable agonizing gloom a new choice might arise. I feel like that’s possible this time.

I’m not going to solve death or lift the cr@$¥ from the world. But I can be kind in the midst of those and that’s a lot.

I’m just going to be as gentle, boundary-ed and listen-y as someone not very good at taking care can be.

[manuel_moe_g]

I’m just going to be as gentle, boundary-ed and listen-y as someone not very good at taking care can be.

All the best wishes to you, Beany. I am right there with you

Struggling, getting up slowly each time I get knocked down, being self-compassionate, knowing there is no bolt-out-of-the-blue instant cure, knowing nobody is coming to save me

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[Beany Boo]

I used to loathe positive affirmations.

They made me feel more anxious, not less.

I’ve started formulating them again of late but with a bittersweet note.

They seem to be sticking where they didn’t before but now with a soothing, poignant though uncertain feeling.

‘I’m going to be alright’ (in a bittersweet way)

It seems that resilience is the meaning.

[Mental Fairy]

I too find them difficult Beany. They are in my work diary at the bottom of every page. Some make me sigh, some make me sad and some just make me want to rip the page out!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

[Beany Boo]

I noticed that while the ‘bittersweet affirmations’ clicked straight away, I also felt relatively steady for several hours after.

I managed to separate in the mind too, the relative safety of my homespace from the relative unsafety of the workspace. It made it a lot easier to let go of rumination whilst in the home.

I don’t know why positive affirmations with a bittersweet charge are suddenly giving me more room. Resilience? It seems odd to put safety ahead of good sense, except it’s subtly working.

Maybe it’s something to do with aligning the mind with the wabi sabi (impermanent imperfect) substance of reality. Bittersweet mind, bittersweet reality. Maybe they move a little more easily with each other; a little more alive as a result.

[Mental Fairy]

Beany- you need a doctorate.

Beany MD