Panic attack Thursday. Steps to mitigate this 2023.

[Mental Fairy]

You have no idea how much of a relief that is to read Oak.

[oak]

You have no idea how much of a relief that is to read Oak.

Thank you, Mental Fairy.

Friends, I return to work tomorrow.

While I have changed since this breakdown (see below), I must assume that both my work and living situations will continue with the same maladaptive habits from others that lead to the breakdown.

Defining my terms
A brief word on Mental Fairy's insights, applied to my situation
How I've changed since the breakdown: a tool and a plan
Expecting unchanged situation at work
All I ask for is three months

Defining my terms

Mental Fairy's excellent allegory of two archetypical patients, and how they respond to a katabasis: https://mentalpodforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=50080#p50080
Anna Karenina Principle: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Karenina_principle#Aristotle's_version
Spoon Theory: https://mentalpodforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=50080#p50080
Missing missing reasons: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

A brief word on Mental Fairy's insights, applied to my situation

Mental Fairy's excellent post, linked above, deserve much more thought, but for now one thought stood out:

She used all the energy she needed to live well on the emotional anger and frustrations that caused her to pick up the bad food, the bad liquids and the bad habits.

This archetypical patient, Patient "A" spent many "spoons" on anger and frustration. Each of those precious daily spoons could have been much better spent, like the archetypical wise patient, Patient "B".

I often think of the Anna Karenina Principle: even though I thought I was dying during my panic attack late last week, what did I do?

• I went to the grocery store to buy the recommended Mediterranean Diet food.

• I outlined, with a timeline, the specific actions I'd take in the next few days to build my professional skills (which I've followed).

• I used my words to call off work for a few days.

• I was careful to continue with eating, staying hydrated, showering/shaving/clean clothes, and light exercise.

Again, I hope to write more about Mental Fairy's excellent post soon, but for now this is a good start.

How I've changed since the breakdown: a tool and a plan

I have the Bourne Anxiety Workbook book, and a plan to build my professional skills so I can apply for, and be a serious contender for, a higher-paying WFH job this summer.

Expecting unchanged situation at work

It is funny, in a sad way, to see my supervisors, good men, handwave away concerns I have brought them. (Straight up "missing missing reasons", right before my eyes).

Checking my email, I see four colleagues have sent multiple emails, about the same topics, even though I have an out of office auto message.

(Why would any grown person send multiple emails about the same topic to someone who has stated they won't be responded to until a certain day? If they know on Monday that I’ll be out until Wednesday, why email on Tuesday? These are the actions of a broken person. Frankly, if I had practiced this degree of learned helplessness I would have died of alcoholism by 2010.)

Said another way: the person doing my job these three days I've been out is nobody.

(This is a missing missing reason, plain as day, if they are willing to see it.)

Bigger picture, I am clearly burnt out and checked out.

I am ready to continue to tell them whatever they want to hear, so long I can do get by for the next three months.

All I ask for is three months

Three months, basically til May 1, is a round number for three important reasons:

1. My lease is up that day, and coupled with the threatening behavior of my neighbor, my housing situation is precarious.

2. Having already had a panic attack/breakdown in January, I might be able to squeak by on this job that clearly isn't good for me or my mental health. Three months at a bad-fit job is a long time, but taking action on hope can make things easier; to wit #3…

3. Happily, three months may be all I need to be well on my way to build in-demand professional skills. I have a clear, precise goal: I really enjoy the subject matter, and know where I want to be at the end of each coming calendar month. I know exactly the skills, portfolio site, and certifications I want. I have all the resources I need, and plenty of motivation.

Said another way, if I can get a higher paying job in 3-6 months, then any of this drama in January (work angst, crazy neighbor) is hardly any problem at all. I just bounce.

Said another way: I have anxiety because I have few good options and alternatives. Give me some options, and all of the above becomes a different story.

Happily, as I've recovered from the breakdown I've already re-started my professional skill building in the last day or two.

Conclusion

This post has been a journey, hasn't it?

Posting this has been cathartic. Thanks for listening.

[Mental Fairy]

Morning Oak,

On reading your post this morning i had to re-read it maybe four + times. I chewed on it for a bit and thought about it on the way to the office this morning, where i now sit with a drained water bottle ready for filling, my yellow puzzle duck and the smell of fresh rain on hot concrete fills the air.

Anxiety, something i am familiar with and deeply married too without option of divorce. We would be dangerous without little levels of anxiety. It is how we deal with it when the levels raise thats the issue in question, and clearly yours has caused some disruptions in your life recently. With your mental buckets full of anxiety you feel weighed down, unmovable, unpredictable and unfixable. Panic attacks kick in as fight, flight and freeze move in and set up camp.

I am glad you were proactive in your insight and stood back a bit from work to regress and centre yourself. Having done that for myself a couple of years ago and still am technically as i am working half the amount of hours but taken on a far greater responsibility. I feel less stressed believe it or not but i feel a magnitude of empathy on a far greater scale for the cases i work with. You have made such a proactive step forward.

Anxiety feeds off consistent flustering of thoughts (constipated thoughts i like to call them), ideas, fear, control, and causes us to mentally grab for quick fix solutions. Sometimes not at all healthy, drugs, prescription medication abuse, alcohol, food, exercise, looking for unhealthy relationships. The list goes on.

The key to prevention in such attacks is self care, self talk methods and self correction. I am not an expert by any means, however a lot of my patients have the attacks after bad news. They have been told they have lost control of their body and it is now in the hands of people they don't know. But they lean on us during the attacks for answers to solve the problems, to guide them through the stages. Some have no idea they are unwell.

When a patient gets the news they were not expecting their loss of control shows immediately. Hand tense up, legs shake or sometimes give out. Their dilation of the pupils fix and saliva stops producing. The body tries to preserve itself for combat. To fight back and gain control. I can see this in your writing and i am sure if i was to walk in the door your physical presentation will also show levels of anxiety. People tend to talk fast, much faster than normal. Eye movements go erratic and they look for solutions anywhere they can get it. Some patients leave the country just to get surgery elsewhere as they can not wait to be fixed. They will literally put their life in the hand of a foreign country to have a quick fix.

That feeling you have of fast paced thoughts begins to be so overwhelming and sleep becomes impossible or exhaustion creeps in. Once the anxiety starts to stabilize you have to monitor that its brother called depression stays outside the door. With that comes walking in holding its shopping bags of shame, disappointment in oneself and lack of mental consciousness, you make further unhealthy connections/decisions. That i don't read so much with you, you are actively looking for public interaction, feminine energy and taking the time to work out. You do believe it or not have some level of pride in yourself with your kettlebell training, your yoga attendance and your ability to do latin dance.

I agree with the more mindful approach of breathing techniques, working out and interacting. However overthinking to much on so many aspects will send you back into the slippery slope of anxiety attacks. None of us can have control on everything in our lives. It is how we manage the situations that count and how we hold the hands of anxiety and depression that needs to be monitored. Sometimes we let one or both hold our hands to tight.

What works for you may not work for others. Only you know what works but the levels of stress that an action alleviates.

Example: Basketball boy two days ago annoyed me again to such a degree i noted my hands clenched, my teeth held together and my mind got erratic with a potential outburst brewing. Immediately i had to get on my biking kit, get the bike out and pedal it out like i was training for a race. I did the best time and effort i had ever done up to the mountain and back. I didn't allow the mind to think about the little snot next door, i put on a podcast got on my two wheel steed and went for it. It felt so darn good when i got back, i had no anxiety the rest of the afternoon and i didn't have the urge to have an outburst. Outburst diverted.

So take note of what sets you off, what can you do to manage the situation at that moment. Then reassess little by little as situations present themselves. Ask yourself, what does my body need right now, fluids? healthy snack, a treat, a walk, redirection of anger or simply mediation breathing.

This might sound odd but part of my hypnosis work i had to tap into the muscle groups, i had to mentally feel if they needed a work out, a rest or just upper body or just lower body work. But always, and i mean always after a workout or if i decided to walk it off or bike it off or even do some art or watch a documentary i would regress on how that new thing or that diversion from anxiety helped me. Would i do it again? What did i gain from that? How can i implement that into my anxiety battle tool kit.

Food for thought.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you very much for your kind reply.

I am taking your advice to heart, and hope to apply it promptly.

Which is good, because I already, a day before returning, have a proto-panic attack: the very physical symptoms you mention.

I say this because I have two opportunities to practice your advice:

Wednesday: I have many emails, all "urgent", to attend to. I am losing hope.

Thursday: I have my weekly meeting with my supervisor. After the failed "missing missing reasons" talk in November, this is a "here is what I can do; if you if don't like it, I'll offer my resignation now" sort of talk.

Just typing this I can already feel my breathing getting shallow and the familiar proto-panic attack chest pain.

Taking Action

As soon as I'm done typing this I'm going to start applying for temp jobs.

I think it is pretty clear this current job is bad for me.

All that said, thanks again for your post. I'll apply it in the coming days, and report back.

You're a true friend, Mental Fairy!

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh that feeling you get in relation to your workplace I’ve had when I was in dentistry, even doing 70-80hours a week wasn’t enough for the management. The breakdown I had of my body and my mind was horrendous.

You have to weigh up what’s right for you in a clear headed space. Financial reasons and health reasons need to be taken into account. If you enjoy your role it changes everything. It’s a shame you can’t transfer your skills to another company elsewhere.

[manuel_moe_g]

Full of admiration for Oak, for having the guts to see things clearly and react accordingly.

Full of admiration for Mental Fairy, for being such a good friend to our common friend Oak.

[oak]

Friends!

I'm doing a little better since I last posted: I applied for several temp jobs, and I moved forward with securing short-term counseling, paid through my employee assistance program.

Full of admiration for Oak, for having the guts to see things clearly and react accordingly.

Full of admiration for Mental Fairy, for being such a good friend to our common friend Oak.

Well said, Manuel Moe. I hope you're doing well.

It’s a shame you can’t transfer your skills to another company elsewhere.

That is the thing, Mental Fairy: I totally could.

I'm skilled/experienced in a niche of a niche.

There are only so many jobs for it in America, maybe a thousand.

But the skills are so narrowly defined, and there are only so many of them, that I could easily start any one of these jobs and be 90% productive within 15-60 minutes of training.

Any employer could tell at a glance at my resume, certainly within five seconds, that I have all the skills in all the methods that they need.

I'm guessing that there are 20 of these jobs opening a year, with a quarter of those being remote work. If such a job is offered, I’d take it yesterday.

The thing is, I like the work.

On the other hand

I should also mention that I am the tenth person in my position in as many years. I'm the first person in years to do anything.

Also, while perusing local temp jobs, I see that my (degree-required, considerable responsbility) position pays just a few dollars more than work that doesn’t require a degree. My boss inadvertently mentioned in front of me, six months ago, that a temp was paid the same as me, even though I have considerably more responsibility.

Considering all this, I think my employers, as good of guys as they are, have forgotten their actual experience of the people in this role before I started two years ago. I think they got a bit fixated on specifics of things that might be bad someday, and forgotten the actual, acute troubles I resolve and prevent daily.

Lastly, though praise for my efforts is free, I haven't had an encouraging word for some time.

Maybe it is like a marriage where no one is the bad guy. There is just a blah-ness, a forgetting of appreciation for what each brings to the relationship. Stale.

[Mental Fairy]

Out of pure coincidence I got a text from the new owners of the dental department I worked my butt off in for all those years. Asking if I could kindly go in on Saturday Sunday to help train more stuff for him, from both the computer software skills and surgery assistance basics.

60% of me wanted to say I would as I want to help him out and make life easier for any surgeon and his staff. But the other percentage of me immediately stepped up and refused for me to do so. I’ve been there, I know I will be used, I am aware two days is not enough and it will take weeks. The very fact he thinks it will take two days is reflective of his thoughts that he can’t be bothered and he’s lost all the support he needed and his staff before due to his greedy selfish ways that he is known for.

So no it is. I still feel bad for saying no.

[Mental Fairy]

Oak, make yourself valuable in small ways with your work. Clearly your present job is difficult and if you don’t see a path of resolve and a future there then it is time yes. Sadly with ending of a job comes feelings, sometimes glee and joy, then maybe not so nice feelings. Do what you feel is right, source as much information as possible on new employment, look outside the box and from time to time check in with yourself each day. And when I say check in, I mean like Beany explains far far far better than me. Listen to your gut. You will know what’s right.

I just watched Joe do the same thing. He left his role as he was worried, overworked, overwhelmed and looking to branch out back to the truck.

Then weeks later he knew it was not right, he got behind the wheel again and had panic attacks, fear, lack of sleep worrying about the next drive. Sure he’s had two people under his rig by their own doing, what they did was not just take their lives but deplete Joe of confidence and joy driving. They changed him for the rest of his days.
Upon leaving his last job the company begged him to return and provide him with a helper in the office to help with his workload, they changed things as he is valued.

You my dear need to be valued. Not just once a year or on holidays but really valued. You need to stand out from the rest. Become resilient and build your confidence. It might not be in this role, but in the next role please become valuable and never stop learning. Once you stop learning you may as well call a hearse and not a taxi. Your commute may as well be one way.

You’re going to get through this just like Joe did. But it takes guts, courage and resilience. Your body, your mind, your life.

Sure you will have post workplace feelings but ask for feedback, learn from this. It won’t be long and I’ll be looking for new work when my employer retires. I’m scared as I don’t know what I’ll do as yet. Trying to reach out myself and test the waters, let people I wish to work for know I am there and reinforce why they would want me on their team. New things are scary but life changing.
We got you!

[oak]

You my dear need to be valued. Not just once a year or on holidays but really valued. You need to stand out from the rest.

Word, Mental Fairy. I agree with, and like, all that you were kind enough to write. And especially the above. I'll write more about this weekend about your excellent post.

A happy update

Friends, I've completed my first day back at work, and it went great.

No one gave me a hard time, and I'm reminded, if I can speak frankly, that it takes a smart cookie to do my job. My job is very complex, fast-paced, and has many details. I am proud of what I accomplished today.

Edit!

I wrote a long, bitter rant about my daily commute.

Then I realized I am HALT.

So I’ll ease back, watch a Hallmark movie on Tubi, and do my best tomorrow.