Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

It’s madness weather up north. We are drying out today. Had been contacted by my brother last night as my niece had her first 10km running race today. Asked if I could attend and run with her.
I had my long run at 5am in the rain and mist. The clouds parted and dashed for shower and breakfast. Went to her race and we came in 4th together with a number count of 187 people. So proud of her. It was like running through multiple seasons. Humidity is high.

I understand Auckland is in a mess up north.

Had to face being around a lot of people today so called in a running friend whom has the same issue so we all went together. Pushed the limits and now feeling somewhat tired!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Glad to hear you're OK, and we're thinking of the NZ country folk...

Isn't it amazing how one single person can affect another….

…. This person however has that extra layer of something that brings great levels of chills….

….. someone will present at work and maybe just pop up where I least expect it…..

It's sad that you have this ongoing unease and unwanted & unneeded social pressure, and the need to be "on guard" even subliminally....

Yet he has installed a fear in me I can never get to shift. Even from the opposite side of the vail he scares me.

Again, how sad! How to make peace with your past? How to put him to rest?

my soul is pure and untainted, and I try to save lives.

That comes shining through in your posts...

[Mental Fairy]

A day I will never forget

[snoringdog]

Palm trees? Didn't expect those. NZ is quite varied in climate it seems.

BTW - Last fall when I was on the road, I saw this place, and thought maybe you could open a franchise in NZ.

Just checked the website & here in the US they deliver up until 3am!

InsomniaCookies.jpg (59.39 KiB) Viewed 617 times

[Mental Fairy]

Oh yummy SD, what a fantastic idea. See just got our first cheesecake store and it’s incredibly small. Cookies and milk would be amazing as our diary means everything to our region.

The tree you see is called punga. Carries the most amazing wetas inside them. You can cut it down and the ends will grow again. We use them for retaining walls.

Smaller version is the silver fern. Also our national symbol along with kiwi.

I adore our forests and the types of flora and fauna. It’s really quite something. Now I need to get me a cookie shop!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, hi.

I wanted to say hello and check in as to how your weekend went.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

It was a weekend i wont forget for a long time.

The rain and the wind has been quite something. In the middle of this to go and run the miles we have over the last few days has been rewarding. Had a recovery run this morning and felt like i have this little devil sitting on my shoulder. I can hear you asking why!

My brother sent me photos from the weekend and i immediately destroyed them. Keeping only one. (the one i posted)
I saw the photos of me and you can see the look of fear on my face standing in the crowd. I will forever be eternally grateful for my running friend Les for coming along also as he is an incredible sole. Les was a patient of mine in dental and we struck up an immediate friendship through running. He has a daughter the same age as my niece, that he has every second weekend. Les is somewhere on the spectrum as far as high intelligence and social anxiety but also there is something very interesting about him. Unable to put my finger on it. Running in the past with him taught me how to laugh, how to accept and how to stop and look at things like tree fungus, basket fungus and bugs! Plus Geocaching was something we would take the kids to do all the time.

I saw the photos of me yesterday and felt sick. I looked at that person in the images and felt so much dislike towards myself. That whole body dysmorphia stepped in to play head games with me. I couldn't look at myself.

Saturday night i text Les and said i was going to attend this event and i was in a great deal of worry about how i was going to go, especially after running such a large distance earlier in the morning. Next minute Les is signing up and came and ran beside Amber and myself. Plus he is trainging for an ultra in three weeks so needed the extra miles. Amber is also a lot like me. At the very end when there was prize giving Les won a spot prize. I honestly felt he deserved it more than anyone. At the start line i was feeling overwhelmed by all the people. I mentally had to rip a band aid off my brain and just go with it. This is where i struggle in my relationship with Joe, he won't attend events such as these and has zero interest in it.

On Saturday afternoon i was in a store getting Matt a new smoothie maker, there was a tap on my shoulder and i turned. My face dropped as did the boys. Standing there was my half sister whom was wearing almost identical clothing to me and it was like looking in a mirror. We look so alike it is no denying who our father was. She informed me my step mother is suffering from bowel cancer only located in the last few weeks. I don't have much to do with this woman so i just said i was sorry to hear that and look after yourself. I had to walk away as it was very difficult standing there talking to someone whom is around the same age as me yet had my father her entire upbringing. (when he wasn't in jail or finding women!) I felt numb yet sad. It makes me wonder if she has the same about of people just stopping by or calling up.

I told my brother i bumped into our half sister and he said he didn't even know her name and had never meet her or our stepmom. I had forgotten that i felt bad for saying something. Aaron never spoke too or saw our father at all from a very young age. He has terrible memories so i understand. Something i don't want to probe about with him as he is a sensitive soul. He takes all his energy out on the river in his kayak. I find it interesting we both do mad sports and put ourselves through some incredible torture feeling like we deserve it. Yet we feel better afterwards.

So that was my weekend Oak. I did sit and have a good cry last night. I don't know why. I think it was just a pot of emotions swirling around for the last few days spilling over. It felt cathartic, but also it felt like it was just the tip of the emotional iceberg. I just felt overwhelming loss for some reason.

I have been wondering how your weekend is going. Cross fingers this upcoming week you feel stronger.

[Mental Fairy]

****SD, the Tui bird stone sculpture sold in auction for $36,000 NZD. ****

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I’m glad the running went well.

And, if I may be so bold, your family, the previous generations (Grampy happily excluded) really made a lot of poor choices. Bad choices they really went out of their way to accomplish. All they had to was nothing, and they f*cked that up.

I am glad you and your husband are doing much better than your previous generations.

Also, is bowel cancer fairly common in NZ/Aus? I ask because I remember that video you were kind enough to send me about the sailboat man.

NZ seems like a very visceral place, for better and worse.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you for reply. Yes we have the highest rates of colon cancer on an international scale. However lung cancer is also the highest. We are not sure if it is due to the 245T in the soil, agent orange or the fall out from the nuclear bombing in pacific. High levels in soil tests on west coast.

Today for some reason was an off day for me. I have my fathers leather jacket hanging at the bottom of the stairs on a coat hook. For some reason I felt like holding it, I felt angry. Then I clicked. My mum would have been 67 today if she was alive. Sigh.
Yes they made bad choices and it’s taken its toll. It will be an interesting family history if Matt ever tells it to his kids or friends. I however feel nothing but confusion. So many questions left unanswered.

Yesterday we ran past the quarry where I know a lot of stories could be confirmed and things found. It gave me the chills. My niece doesn’t need to know about her grandad she never meet. It’s the story of nightmares and false hope, fake love and lost dreams. Les looked at me and acknowledged my sigh. He came on a ride once to the club house to see my father. He was terrified and never forgot it. Who would think this middle aged women was the product of two very messed up people.