Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

update...

We are walking around very much in two worlds, one minute you want to put your head in your hands and cry and the next you get on with things such as cooking, work, run, feed cat, birds, more work!

The body count is going up. We are aware they are finding more and more bodies as the days go on. There is a temporary morgue been set up and media are not able to say to much as this is much bigger number of loss than first thought.

The thunder storms over the island yesterday put many on edge. They ended early this morning. Felt like we slept with one eye open.

It is Friday and we have not really got the chance to touch our property again yet. This weekend will be a clean up and patch up our areas. Try save what we can. There are beautiful flower pots broken and pants dead all over the place. I have to keep reminding myself we were lucky. We were so lucky.

Something i haven't really told anyone as yet is Matt came to us and showed us something of concern. He has a mass on the back of his right thigh. It is about the size of a plum and under the tissue. Yes, we are aware this should of been dealt with sooner but he only just showed us a few days ago. I am aware of the gene and what this means for him so called a colleague of mine and also my own surgeon. I felt cheeky doing this but this is my one and only boy. I mentioned it to my boss and next minute i get a call this morning at work and there is a team awaiting to see him after work today after hours in their own time. I broke down in tears as i know this team well as we all work together in theater. These are people that patients wait months to see. My heart filled and tears spilled with gratefulness and felt non deserving of such kindness. I called Matt and he also was shocked and grateful. I have seen some stuff in my short lifespan and hope to see more, however i wish people were more kind, more understanding and carried empathy like they carry judgement and prejudice. I wish there were more hugs, more laughs, more light and less wind!
I wish that i knew you all years ago and had the ability to teleport into your kitchens to make you dinner from time to time.
I wonder if this will still be running in many years to come and the future souls look back at these posts and reflect on us and understand that we were struggling at times just like them. And there is no shame in this.

Sitting up in my bed last night listening to the wind and rain begging in silence to stop it. I learnt of the last few days that i without a would save the cat before the boys! I would try rangle as many animals in my shed to save them from flooding and wind and leave my belongings out in the elements. I have learnt compassion is the only way forward, not just for others but for ourselves. That compassion for oneself is the beginning of a good day. If you can look in the mirror and say a few words of kindness and forgiveness and carry on.

Sitting in my office now all i can hear is the chainsaws of people sorting out broken trees, i can hear traffic for the first time in a few days as we all had to stay home unless we had to absolutely go to work. I can feel a warmth knowing there are amazing surgeons, doctors, nurses, medical staff who are mentally suffering but can't help but put others first regardless.

It will take some getting over this storm, our country will struggle, our people will change in many ways but this will pass.

Thank you all for being here and reading the posts , i am sorry i have not been on as much of recent but i honestly wanted to cry every time i pushed the keys to log in. I felt like i needed a group hug i couldn't quite reach and felt you all didn't need to hear my woes. At an appointment early this morning to make sure my glasses were still good for another year the lady asked for medical history and she stopped breathing for a moment and looked at me like i was broken. I learnt i dislike that look, i dislike pity and i smiled and asked her to not ask anymore questions! I am in a flair currently with the bowel, i guess the stress of things and she noted my eyes were so very dry and i laughed and accepted some new trial eyedrops. I won't use them, i know i wont, but i will accept she needed to feel like she was helping me in some menial way to make herself feel better. Bitterness crept in and i had to leave. Poor women!

Yesterday on my morning run i came across a homeless women smoking a stick. Yes, a stick. She had a stick from a fallen tree or branch and was trying hard to light it. I felt sad for her, i was unable to see her eyes through her hair but she looked in her 70's. Part of me wanted to hug her, feed her and talk to her and find out her story. The other half kept running and a little faster at that! Was to dark to see if she was just trying to burn a house to the ground.

Well better get back to work.

Take care all. I will be back soon with further updates but for now it is the clean up task for the weekend. And pray no more earthquakes. Apparently it was the lower plate below the lower north island having a little shuffle round. The earth is amazing.

[Mental Fairy]

https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/131253744/brothers-break-down-in-tears-embrace-in-aftermath-of-flood-destruction

[oak]

These are people that patients wait months to see.

Word. They really care for you: they see how much you give of yourself. They work after hours to help your dear Matt, while all hell is breaking loose.

I hope he does well. Keep us posted!

... and prejudice.

I've always said that if heaven has prejudice then I'm not going.

I've had more than enough of that nonsense in this life.

Something different

While I know she is Australian, and not NZ, here is a tune to cheer you up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elsh3J5lJ6g&list=PLKf77GjJMSVQOfS3e-Xyn3HtHEzj6_iWX&index=14&ab_channel=LenkaVEVO

-Lenka "The Show"

[When she looks through her eyelashes at 58 seconds: dreamy sigh]

Keep us posted, my friend!

[snoringdog]

i am sorry i have not been on as much of recent but i honestly wanted to cry every time i pushed the keys to log in. I felt like i needed a group hug i couldn't quite reach and felt you all didn't need to hear my woes.

Nonsense.

Here's a little group hug

one minute you want to put your head in your hands and cry and the next you get on with things

Somehow this is a very familiar mindset to me....

I have learnt compassion is the only way forward, not just for others but for ourselves.

Word.
-------------------------------------
Your posts are quite compelling Mental Fairy, and bring so many thoughts to mind.
And as a can-do person, I wish I was there to help with the clean up. Feeling a little guilty right now with nothing to do, and so much need.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team
We have just come in from working in and around the section to clean up the mess. The roads as so quiet as people take the time to clean up and reflect on what it happening over the other side of the island.

It was confirmed yesterday Matt does have a tumour in the upper thigh. Ultrasound next week to find out if it is attached to bone or muscle or above the muscle, he will go for surgery after hours one day next week. We were due to see the genetics team in a couple of weeks about this very possibly of Matt getting the same as me. After our meeting with surgeon last night it is certain he will be going through the same. Joe is somewhat shocked and the pair of them went to gym last night as they couldn’t sleep. Matt’s only allowed to do upper body. Leg has to be looked after until they know where this thing is attached. Telling grandpa this morning was difficult but we played it down as much as we could.

I had a good run this morning and watched the sun come up. I honestly think of you all on my runs and when I see the mountain with all the stars around it you all come to mind individually. You all have meaning and purpose.

Better get back into the garden and spray these Lemons and limes that are still on the tree. We have one olive tree that is full of olives and we trying to save the rest best we can. With handfuls of pot ash and top soil we hope we can death life back into our trees.

Hugs to all

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I am sorry to hear the diagnosis for Matt.

I am glad you all are taking prompt action.

I hope he makes a full recovery, quickly.

In the meantime, please do keep us posted, and know that you are not alone.

Lastly, good luck with your olives.

[Mental Fairy]

Our hill from the west side

[rivergirl]

Hello MF,

I don't have words to say how sorry I am about Matt. Your family has had more than your share of heartache.

You and Joe and Matt are in my thoughts often and I too wish Matt a quick recovery and the best possible outcome.

Wish we all weren't so far away, but sending many virtual hugs. Will be here to listen any time.

rivergirl

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I hope you’re doing well!

Also, I would posit that your hill is a mountain. Whichever it is, is beautiful indeed. I can see why you’d get attached to it. Place have vibes.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi all

Sorry I’m MIA but so much going on. Matt’s scans on Friday.
A wonderful friend and surgeon came to meet me at work last night and walked me down the road to his new practice to meet all the surgeons and specialists at an opening evening. We have profound support from them all for Matts journey ahead.

Sadly Sunday I melted down and packed my bags, flight mode set in. I wanted to just leave, let the boys deal with it and walk away. I know this sounds madness with my own son having a journey ahead of him but I felt I was no real help. I text my therapist and immediately he offered coffee and a chat. We have been texting as I can’t face myself currently.

On top of this we have rain again and lots of it. Hundreds of people are missing and feared washed out to sea. One man came here on Monday to fix the lift and he got a call saying his dad had been found under a slip in Napier. Broken hearted currently, broken.