Weekends

[rivergirl]

My weekends are better than they were up until a few months ago, but when I wake up often initially very difficult. It's as though I have to realize all over again what I've lost and somehow put my current world back together again and remember the things that give me hope. I can never predict how long that process will take. Best case scenario an hour or two but sometimes it lasts most of the day.

This is a 3-day weekend. I'm moderately hopeful that I can get through it without too much distress. I'll post updates this weekend.

I'm ashamed to post this but also grateful to have a place to share. Thank you.

[rivergirl]

First update:

My therapist just cancelled my appointment 20 minutes before it was scheduled. She had been more reliable the past month or so, and this is not a shock given her prior unreliability but it is a disappointment. She didn't say she was sorry, we can reschedule or anything. I know that I should try to find a different and if possible local therapist if I'm going to continue therapy, but can't bear to think about that right now.

I'm trying not to overreact to things: my therapist's behavior, 3-day weekend, 2 months since I've heard from my brother or sister-in-law who live nearby, two more kind and long term coworkers leaving due to retirement in the past couple of weeks, the previous losses that are always there in the background.

My plans for today: Call a friend to schedule getting together for tomorrow or Monday. Go do errands and maybe see a movie by myself to mentally escape. Text my friend who lives in another state to see if she can talk this evening since it's the one time when our schedules allow it. Finish last chapter of audiobook for my second book club meeting next week. Order shoes for the updated online dating photos I tentatively plan to get in a few weeks.

I apologize if I'm posting too much today, but I do appreciate being able to share these details. It helps me feel less alone.

[oak]

RiverGirl, by all means, please post as much as you like. We are happy to hear from you.

Your therapist is a flake.

If (1) you decide to move on from her, and (2) feel the time is right, we’ll continue to stand by you.

I encourage you to try some of the other actions you listed.

Keep us posted.

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

We're here for you, don't worry about posting too much.
You have a few nice plans in place.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Oak & snoringdog. I appreciate the messages.

Yesterday I only managed to get one errand done, arrange to see a friend on Monday, and go see a movie by myself.

I don't feel as actively suicidal as I was at times this past year, but I do feel like there's a kind of will to live that I'm still missing.

[manuel_moe_g]

“”” I don't feel as actively suicidal as I was at times this past year, but I do feel like there's a kind of will to live that I'm still missing.”””

Yeah, it is a slow process crawling out of that hole

Please take care, you mean so much to us

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your kindness, Manny.

I didn't mean to make it sound too dire. I'm just hoping this isn't the best that my life can be from here on out.

[manuel_moe_g]

“”” I didn't mean to make it sound too dire. I'm just hoping this isn't the best that my life can be from here on out.”””

Dire or not, you should regularly hear how much you mean to us.

[Beany Boo]

You’re entitled to feel how you actually happen to feel - however janky and slip-slide-y. The urge to take control of it may be constantly tempting.

I am sorry to be the one to tell you but you have strong feelings. You always have.

It sounds like what has changed is that you’re less inclined to let others take advantage of you for that.

It’s not the place of comfort you still want to arrive at but it’s worthy of an unbridled victory jig.

Someone will wait patiently while you get the words out. Or you will for someone. Or both.

[Mental Fairy]

Why oh why do we all live so darn far apart!!

Rivergirl I hope things are on the improve.

We are always here. Therapists are tricky, if it doesn’t feel right with one then find another and be honest with why you changed.