Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

Well done, Mental Fairy, for having courage and sticking together during this difficult time of the scan.

We/I stand by you as you await the results. I encourage you to consider the results when you feel ready, and no sooner.

Also, thank you for your encouragement regarding my mega-thread. A ways into it I might discuss my thoughts on the divisive New Zealand film, Field Punishment No. 1.

Yikes.

[snoringdog]

This might sound odd but I feel like I’m the observer of myself.

Doesn't sound odd to me. You've been under a tremendous amount of stress for the last couple of months.

Maybe something of interest here -
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization-derealization_disorder

I think when our brains/minds get stressed & tired, it takes less energy to just observe rather than to fully engage.

(When I've come close to fainting, I realize how tenuous our consciousness and engagement with the world is, although it doesn't usually seem that way.)

Be well.

[Mental Fairy]

Swinging by to say I am thinking of you all and will back this evening when I get back to New Plymouth. We heading south to a place called Lake Rotokari to do a fun run with my niece to raise money for east coast families.

It’s been a few tough days but we are getting there. I had a women email me on Friday I wish to share with you all. It was a big turning point.

Back soon and will get some pics for you all too see the south side of our district.

[rivergirl]

Hi MF,

I've had derealization at times in the past five years or so although it seems to have gotten better. It makes sense you'd experience unusual feelings with the amount of major stress in your life right now.

Good luck with your run!

rg

[oak]

Agreed with our good friend RiverGirl.

Also, I am eagerly anticipating hearing about the email!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team
Fun run was challenging, an all uphill 2 km start that really threw me. My niece and i both enjoyed it until i took a tumble. I am ok, just rolled the ankle and took some skin off but not bad. I tried a recovery run this morning but turned back after 15 minutes as my head and leg just were not in sync, if i carried on i knew i would regret it. I need to allow myself time to rest, be kind to myself.

This morning i took the time to lay my yoga mat on the grass outside and gaze up at the stars, i never grow board of this ever. There is something about just the simple act of watching the stars that makes things feel so much better. No balloons seen!!!

I have been wanting to reply to you Oak about this american man post and i am having a little trouble putting it into words. All i can say is there are so many american influences here that even this weekend just been you could not drive a single street without seeing an American flag. We just celebrated a week of Americania and to be honest with you a large part of the population become so obsessed with the american way of life it feels like we lose sight of being kiwi for a bit. The all american cars that parade around the mountain, food stalls and music is really lovely but also starts a lot of debates about what is truly american. Having spend a lot of time in America i have a deep interest in the history, especially the south and the civil war. For some reason this slice of history i am very open to learning about.

I must get some work done, today the anxiety is high and i have some level of anger still sitting below the surface that keeps popping up. I think more so as i am stretched thin currently and feel like i can't catch a break.

[oak]

Fun run was challenging, an all uphill 2 km start that really threw me. My niece and i both enjoyed it until i took a tumble. I am ok, just rolled the ankle and took some skin off but not bad.

I'm glad that you got out for the run, Mental Fairy, and got out of the house for a little while. I'm sorry your ankle is hurt; I'm sure you'll feel better soon. Try a little barre!

Also, thank you for sharing about the American-ization of New Zealand.

In my "modern American manhood" thread I soon hope to post about the divisive NZ film "No. 1 Punishment". I can, if you like, offer some thoughts on NZ masculinity, which like their American cousins could be described as mostly positive.

I'll also post, as a Northern agnostic, about my fascination with Southern Gothic, particularly the band The Civil Wars video, "Barton Hollow".

Which is just a long way of saying that you and I are on the same page.

I hope things get a little better for you soon, Mental Fairy. 2023 has been something!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Currently finding myself having outbursts of anger. It comes in waves. People around me don’t see it as I can manage to control it inside. It’s just a feeling of increased heart rate and anger or annoyance that keeps bubbling up to the surface.

Therapy again on 6th, my choice.

Matt’s tumour is Lipoma and not sure the type as yet as it’s in a not so normal place. They want to do another type of scan.

Joes, well Joe.

Have been laying on the grass outside in the mornings looking up at the stars to try get my headspace in the correct mind frame for day. Doing yoga nidra last few days NSDR. It’s helping with the anger a little after waking up.

I’ve found myself pulling plug out of phone at work till 9am so I don’t have to deal with it as I am doing a lot of medical typing currently.

Life on general feels to hard.

[oak]

Hi Mental Fairy. Thank for posting.

Please do keep us posted about the lipoma.

We stand by you, during this difficult time.

[Mental Fairy]

The anger lays just under the surface.

I have taken the last three days off running and focused on more mindful yoga nidra, or NSDR. It is helping me come back to myself and acknowledge feeling and intention. Tomorrow we have meeting with the surgeons about what happens with Matts left. It is submuscle and going to be an interesting to remove. There is the medical mind i work in that is amazed by the body and its ability to grow such things, then there is the mother that wants to hold him. He will learn from this and grow, that is all i have to say on the matter. May he learn the true bodies capabilities and listen to it with open mind.

The anger, well that steams from my work, my son, my emotions and my marriage. I am angry at myself also for not being able to deal with the anger well. There has been many times this week i leave the phone off the hook so i don't have to hear a person in pain or suffering. My empathy went right out the window, i wanted to scream at the phone, the person and the world. A patient started crying over having a simple cyst that will burst in its own time and i responded with 'there is worse things to have, move on and deal with it'. I felt like i stepped out of my own body and this bitch stepped in and went on the attack as i felt this was not an event worth crying over. I regret saying it but this person has them without knowing they are not painful nor anything to worry about. I just made a passing comment in a selfish way.

I have noticed i also have anger from Sunday run, i hated being around all those people. I didn't really want to be there. I was there for my niece and that's all. I don't wish to go again not even next year. Maybe things have gotten to much. I am going to help a friend in the garden on saturday for a couple of hours just to get out of the house. Tomorrow is surgeons and then at 6pm i have ice training till 8pm at a local yoga retreat. Deep breaths!

The anger feels like a hitchhiker on my back, it rests in my shoulders and makes itself know. I have an image in my head of throwing things and stamping on the floor like a child.

Alas back to the clinic and back to the false me of being ok.

I see beany has been going through this feeling also. My arms are outstretched in my mind for an angry hug!!!! if there is such a thing.