Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Friday is here. It started with low level fog rolling in over the hills and Paritutu rock. The power station chimney that has many red lights blinking was lighting up the fog making it look like some weird disco cloud. This week has tested my limits mentally in the sense of internal anger.

Last week a local surgeon who is dealing with Matts situation and also is my surgeon rung and asked us to see an urgent case. We saw this patient yesterday. She had been ignoring symptoms over the last two years which cost her both her breasts in January. She presented for a body scan soon after the surgery and there was an incidental finding of a pelvic mass. That is where we step in. Long story short the mass is 17.2cm and pushing the bladder upwards and causing great pain. We did pelvic ultrasound yesterday and the scan showed a clear sign of ovarian cancer. Her husband naturally fell to bits, she did nothing. She was emotionless, not taking it in. In denial and asked if she could get her shopping done rather than do bloods that we need. She refused further tests, smiled and informed us her 9 year old boy will have to deal with no mum, she said this with a smile. She is in her early 40s. The husband was shocked at her response and angry. Then it clicked. The anger i saw seething out of him has been seething out of me all week if not two weeks because of Matts situation. He looked like he wanted to rip his soul out of his own body and beat it up. I went home and felt numb. I think this falls into desensitization? The paperwork involved in cases like these is large and testing on anyone typing up the words that sum up care for end of life for such a young patient. I know deep down Matt will be ok, i guess it's just a level of unfairness about it all. He is learning from this also which i am seeing daily. His priorities have changed in this short time.

My sleep has come easy, by 7pm i am having a fight with the sandman just to stay awake long enough to cuddle the cat to sleep. However the dreams and terrors that play out in my internal theater are enough to put anyone into a straight jacket.

Last night i took the time before dinner to water the garden, i saw some plants have not made it through the storm and also through some spraying Joe had done and sadly it must have got on some of my newly planted daisies. Immediately anger seethed deep down, his carelessness had cost the life of some plants i loved, it took every little bit of me to fight that emotion of anger. I kept telling myself its just a plant, i can get a new one. Replant. He pulled down the driveway in his work ute and mentioned it. I tried really hard not to blame or verbally attack. On the inside of me i was bubbling up and had to remove myself away from him and focus on making dinner and going to bed. It still pisses me off!

Today is the day we talk to surgeons about Matt at 3:50pm. Then at 6pm-8pm i will be at ice bath thing at a resort with a dear friend. She is just as nervous as me. It is based on breath work and calming the mind. I feel i need to stay the weekend or maybe never leave.

Mazie brought in a cricket for me this morning so i have some rouge cricket in the house rubbing its legs together. Still yet to find it.

Yesterday i went to my car and for the life of me i was unable to open it. I tried everything as it is keyless entry. After picking up my phone to call the people who help you out i saw the number plate and it wasn't my car. I have become so lost these last few days i fear i am losing myself in worry. I am trying to live in the moment and focus on only what is in front of me but the big picture has been scary to look at. Therapy on Monday. I hope this helps as right now i am lost in a mental forest of emotions and the only thing i can hear is cracking and the only thing i see is darkness.

I wish to sit and read again, pick up my books and take myself away in little moments of quite time. I want the embrace you feel when you read and get lost in the story. The feel of the book and the effort you see the author has gone to in order to draw you in. I miss laughter at home, i miss so much. I miss my Grampy, my twin and my hope. I really miss my hope i used to have. Winston Churchill used to call it the black dog he carried around when he felt this way. I like to think of it as the intruder. There is this other side of me that seems to grow when i get knocked back down. There is only so many times you can get back up and each time it seems to take longer than the last.

Please don't read to much into that, this is not me calling it quits by any means. It is me just feeling tired and alone, so dam alone. You all mean so much in so many ways. The power of words is far greater than any bomb, any poison and any bullet. Words can be loaded, be gentle and be soothing. They are a gift at times and you all carry that gift. I honestly don't now what i would do without this outlet.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, powerful writing

You are running on empty

You are too damn far away from us, can only send you <hugs> over internet wire

[Mental Fairy]

Thanks MM

I so much want to swing by and collect you all for a lunch somewhere. Who knows maybe one day we can zoom or something. I think as a collective we all have our issues and so vastly different issues. We all have the ability to share our mental genitals to one another! I hold no judgement nor do I hold no fear talking to any of you. That’s a gift so many people never have in one lifetime.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for posting.

Two thoughts:

First, I had two quite the WTF (as the kids say) moments in the one paragraph. First, perhaps you meant 17 millimeters, as 17 centimeters is over six inches. Surely anyone would notice six inches of abnormal growth.

Also, that is remarkably blasé response to one immanent death. I can understand accepting a terrible fate with gravity and sobriety. Even if one is thinking about shopping later that day, that is not the time to say it out loud. An odd situation indeed.

Second, we can, and should, mourn the daisies. Call me corny, but as I get older I think all the more about heaven. Not that I believe in it*, but I hope your daises are in heaven. They’ve done their duty here in this stormy and cold and windy earth, and now they can just chill out with perfect sunshine and good soil and a nice breeze.


*I totally do believe in it, or at least fervently hope for it.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak and friends

Thank you for reply. No i absolutely didn’t mean mm. It is cm. It is large enough to take up the entire posterior vault and uterus and push the bladder into a position towards her spinal area. Yes, she felt it. It was very painful to palpate on internal examination and we could only insert internal camera in 4cm as it takes up so much space. I spoke to the surgeon whom took her breasts off after work yesterday as he’s the same man seeing Matt and he said her response to the initial diagnosis for her breasts was not normal. They tested her lymph nodes on the left side and all came back positive, the ovarian cancer is also on the left side and pushing the organs backwards and towards the right as there’s no room left. When some women prolapse they can handle it for a period of time even with bladder or bowel protruding out, this women has basically ignored every single sign of the body and just blanked out all thoughts. It is very hard for us to understand. When I said to the surgeon she wanted to get her shopping done rather than her bloods he wasn’t surprised. This tumour has been there for many years feeding off her lymphatic system.

On a brighter note Matt’s tumour is benign, it is in a location that taking it out is to risky as he will lose muscle and nerve damage. Check every 6 months and if it grows we go in and remove. He’s in good hands. He is currently down at his dads work learning to drive a massive loader for the ships on the port. Bonding boys time I guess.

Last night was impactful. My dear friend Donya and I attended the ice training and breathing exercise class.
https://www.sanctuaryhill.co.nz/

The class was amazing, some people came as individuals and others as couples or friends. First we stood in a circle and introduced ourselves while all linked arms. I was out of my comfort zone, a little panicked and somewhat terrified. It came to my turn and I said ‘hi, my name is Gia, I am a practice nurse and manger. What makes my heart sing is running, helping others and learning. What helps me cope daily is my forum friends, my ability to run and my cat. What I am struggling with is emotions, detachment and sleep’.

We then did breathing exercises in many different ways but non stop. We laid on the floor and went through many levels of breathing and the emotions that flowed was incredible. There was people there hurting in many ways, all different stories and all different walks of life. The genuine connection was powerful. After about an hour we got to sit up and I am not exaggerating but the women across from me sat up and her ears were so full of tears that it looked like half a cup of water was pouring out either side. Immediately I got up and hugged her, she melted into my shoulder and sobbed like a child.
I later learned her story and it brought home to me how the disconnect from ourselves goes far further than I first thought. We disconnect from all others when we do this.
In one of the breathing exercises we had to imagine our child self standing in front of our minds eye, immediately emotions hit the high point. Trying to prevent myself from sobbing was next to impossible. My internal battle to not be weak was like swimming against the tide. I opened the flood gates. Then we were asked to imagine people we hold dear that help us and I know I have absolutely no idea what any of you look like but that’s ok. I allowed my brain to form images of you all in a shadow figure kind of way, I pictured myself standing in a circle with you all as shadow like figures with hands on each others shoulders, heads bowing into the centre of the circle. Over time I saw colours of clothing and felt a warmth. The gates holding the emotions opened further.
Finally we had to picture our future self and apply forgiveness to ourself and others, I felt a lift. I felt lighter. I felt honoured to be there, to do my role at work and to have people like yourselves in my life.

Ice bath time came and I will post some photos soon as the host is sending them through. The first ice bath was the hardest. Temp was 2degrees and the sun was just going down. The mental aspect of preforming this act was so hard, Donya and myself shared the first one. We both got through it, then I went for a second one. I joined a couple in the ice bath whom were working through 3 years of being sober. We held hands and got in together. It was the most powerful thing I have ever done.

Getting back into the car Donya and I felt like we were the closest to our true selves that we have ever been. I am aware that I held back on the emotions and my guard didn’t come all the way down but I did learn a lot from it. We are going to attend a three day event later in the year and work further on this discovery into ourselves

Attending this event has helped me learn that I have been in flight mode for far to long. This week of not running has helped me learn I’m not superhuman nor useless.

Work in progress.

Hugs to all. Photos to come.

[snoringdog]

I am moved by your post Gia.
Thank you for sharing these things.

[oak]

Agreed with SnoringDog.

I’m glad the prognosis is good, you had an amazing experience, and that you got a little air (so to speak) after a suffocating start to 2023.

[rivergirl]

Hi Gia,

I'm in awe a bit over everything you've been going through. Some random thoughts below as I mentally sort through your beautiful posts.

I'm glad to know that Matt is okay for the time being, and that he will be monitored by professionals you can trust. That is such good news.
About your patient .. I'm still thinking about her and trying to understand. It must be incredibly frustrating to know that perhaps she could have been saved if she had sought help earlier.

I'm sorry about your daisies. I feel sad about plants dying all the time. Doesn't everyone? Recently I had to get a podocarpus tree outside my bedroom windows cut back substantially and I'm still sad about it, as though I injured a good friend.

The ice bath experience sounds amazing. We used to do something like this at my annual church camp, and I always chose to participate, but it was far less spiritual than what you describe (really felt like more of a hazing than anything). I'm so glad you have this friend you are comfortable sharing with on such a deep level. This forum is the only place I share many of my most guarded thoughts, and the image of all of us as shadows standing together resonates with me.

I feel your losses come through so vividly in so many of your posts. I wish I could offer some more tangible support, as MM said. I wish I could tell you that you'll be safe and all will be well, but all I can do is promise that I'll be here if I can offer you any comfort and support. Rest, look at stars, breathe, know we care about you.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Post soon
Sitting in therapy room shaking like a leaf. It seems my therapist is coming in on his day off just to see me. Feel the pressure to make it work his while!!! Maybe I should start by licking the windows and floor saying ‘Annabelle’ three times!

Better be on my best behaviour

[oak]

Post soon
Sitting in therapy room shaking like a leaf. It seems my therapist is coming in on his day off just to see me. Feel the pressure to make it work his while!!! Maybe I should start by licking the windows and floor saying ‘Annabelle’ three times!

Better be on my best behaviour

You can do this, Mental Fairy!

I send hope and encouragement and recovery.

Keep us posted!