Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

My ice bath moment. Donya is my one person I can talk to about absolutely anything now. It’s opened a door for us both to have this experience.

Back soon!

[rivergirl]

I love this photo! You and Donya both have such beautiful smiles!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beautiful people.

Well as you can see I’ve baths are amazing. Therapy was hard, thank you oak for your kind encouragement this morning.
I was shaking before I went in as I felt shame from not going as often as maybe I should but like rivergirl we have this forum.

Therapy was intense and we addressed this anger I am currently wearing on the outside. It’s like a cloak currently and it’s difficult to remove. I’ve learnt where it has steamed from and how to tackle it. But first I need to breath more before responding to it.
The minds way of dealing with stress is to shut off in a way and almost mute out 90% of what’s going on. You can’t be in the moment.
I’ve felt that way for a while. There’s been moments (even today in therapy) where I kind of check out mentally. It’s like I’m standing in the corner observing myself fall to bits because it’s too much to feel it.
Trauma has an incredible way of shaping us, moulding us and dictating our life from time to time. This past week I haven’t run as I feel depleted. Instead I have picked up my books again and started to read. I’ve informed the book group I will attend this month but not commit to the running of it this year. Someone on my good reads forum liked a review a wrote for a book called Scented, by Laurence Fearnley. This prompted me to read back over my review out of interest to what I wrote. It made me get a bit emotional as books mean a lot to me and I forgot how much emotion they can light within us. It was a moment I was grateful for, to read over my old thoughts. Much like on here, we have waves of emotions and with the waves come white wash wash and sometimes the feeling of drowning. However it is also nice to know we have like minded souls on the land helping us back in.

I know this anger and emotion won’t go away overnight and I am aware it is a lot to do with my sleep related issues. May we rest tonight and still be here for each other tomorrow.

Amen!

[Mental Fairy]

Haunted by the nights previous movies projected into my mind. Awoke at 2am jadded, confused and blurred feeling as what is real and what is not.

The night had me seeing my uncle as a child in knee high black socks, leather school shoes, light grey shorts that stop above the knees and a woolen jumper. He was climbing a rocky area ahead of me. At first he was below and navigating his way upwards past me saying nothing. I looked into his eyes and they were so kind and childlike, playful and cheeky. I was confused looking out over the ocean crashing below. There were others below me, i didn't have to see their faces before i knew who they were. It was many of my old great aunties and uncles, my nana and her family members of the past. But for some reason not my mother, father or twin. I was waiting and looking for my Grampy. It was tearing me apart inside not being able to see him. I could sense i was close but i knew i wouldn't see him as clear as my uncle. My uncle is the drunken uncle that makes himself known every Sunday at our home. He lives in the area below our section. He is a hermit in a way, living in his once beautiful home, now tinted in nicotine and the smell of spilt beer. Drowning in his our subconscious nightmares he refuses to see.

I sat up in bed and immediately Mazie climbed on top of my chest to calm me down. I felt like i had been out on the town all night, head tired and unresponsive to my surroundings, all i could see was this six year old boy that was once my uncle, left with a feeling of detachment for the day.

Joe got up and went to the gym, i laid there waiting for what felt like hours for sleep to take me again but it was shallow. I kicked my mind around in the shallows of sleep asking for rest, asking for a day anger free and flowing. Soon Joe returned and the jug goes on, my saliva kick starts and i shuffle to the kitchen to be handed a coffee and cuddle.
Making our way out to the deck and there is front of me is what feels like daylight at 4:20am. It was full moon, massive pie shaped moon that i curse at for my dreams as i'm so sick of blaming trauma, sick of blaming myself, my family, disease and curse. Sorry to the big beautiful mysterious moon that we rely on to survive. Because without it the planet will be no more. I see less stars this morning and feel ripped off of the beauty.

I put on my running gear with no intention of a run, i walk my way around the block lifting what feels like concrete legs one after the other. Wishing to turn back and immediately go home again. If i turn back now i have the same amount of distance to travel as im giving up on the idea of this walk at the halfway point. I am forever looking behind me thinking i might see this boy in his leather shoes, knee high socks, woolen jumper giggling at me. He was meant to grow up and see the world, and he did. He travelled the world on the ocean working as a navy man. To return to the land, to drink the ocean worth of alcohol to drown in his sorrow that i too feel. He was informed by my dying members of family to help look after us, to be there for us in times of need. In the end the reality is he's not. He is just as broken as me. So that leads me here, to this forum to find a vent in which to release the sorrow, the heartaches, the triumph's and the small wins of the day.

So that my friends is how my day started. I am not really ready to face this day, am in casual attire for work as i didn't feel right in corporate wear today. My confidence in somewhere in my bag along with me strength and courage. So if my patients look at me today for professionalism they will get it in my words, not in my attire.

Lets get this day done so i can see what tonight brings.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

And if I may be so bold to say: I hope you soon have a dream with Grampy, a very happy and clear dream that you remember.

You deserve such happy events anyway, but especially after your 2023.

Perhaps you in 2023 can identify with this old country song lament: if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

[rivergirl]

Hello MF,

I've been too ill this week to be online, but am now reading your posts and just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

Sending big hugs,

rg

[Mental Fairy]

That means a lot rg, please take care of yourself. Thinking of you too.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, how’s everything going? How’s your weekend?

Is life somewhat back to normal after the storms?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

There is still a lot of fences in need of repair around the place, the east coast will not recover for years. We were lucky. I’ve replanted and got a load of fresh soil to replace the areas washed away.
I’ve spent my week nursing and medicating the neighbours cat Leo. She fell sick last Sunday and the neighbours were going away on Monday. This entire week before and after work has been dedicated to nursing her back to elderly health as she is 17. She is a mini version of Mazie, very affectionate and cuddly to the point of heart melting. Neighbours are back Wednesday so three more days to go.

Therapy on Monday was helpful and needed. I’ve learnt to let go of my negative thoughts towards myself and balance them out with self care. I’ve taken two weeks off running to focus on acceptance and mindfulness. I will start jogging every second day starting tomorrow to see how I go.

Anger and frustration has been my main stumbling block currently. I’ve actually scared myself in how angry I’ve got over the last few weeks. It really stems from mental exhaustion from our cases at work, trying to manage Joes grandpa and his loss of memory and eyesight. He is desperate to go down to the jail to see his son before he gets released later in the year. I refuse to go. That’s not a place nor a person I wish to see. Joe will take him, grandpa doesn’t seem to think he will be alive when he is released and wishes to see him in case. From my understanding this son of his has been in trouble in prison so I don’t think he will be coming out anytime soon. Well at least I hope not.

The nights and mornings here are changing, I am over the moon autumn is approaching and winter is only weeks away from starting. This does seem odd I know, I am in my element in these months. I become more active, I cook different dishes and enjoy the cold.

I have managed to get my head back into the books, the heaviness In my head has lifted enough for me to be able to focus my attention into the escapism of reading again.

Sleep has been troubled at times and dreams flow one after the other, some effecting me for a day or two and many pass in my mind three or four days later only to repeat themselves time and time again. This morning I was doing my hair and looked in the mirror and reminded myself I am lucky to have got this far, to forgive myself of self judgement, to accept and to live this day with self care. This is something I am not always good at doing. I have lived with an inner drill instructor telling myself I’m not good enough, fast enough of enough. It needs to stop. I’m going to be 43 in a few days and I can’t give up on myself now. Suffering comes from self.

Today Donya and I are going to attempt a hot chocolate at our local cafe, she is just as much as an introvert as I am. We both struggle with going out. Then I will make my way home to cook and get some housework done.

I send you all hugs for your weekend as I know some of us struggle with them.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for the update, MF. It's good to hear that you're hanging in no matter how difficult things are with the burdens of caring for Joe's grandpa and so many others. I'm especially happy to know that you're focusing on taking care of yourself more. That inner drill instructor/mean parent is so exhausting, and you deserve better.

Leo is lucky to have you as a neighbor, and it's important to take care of our elders including the four-legged kind.

I understand about fall & winter, and I hope you enjoy many happy moments in the new season. Do you mind sharing what book you're currently reading? Our next book group read is "Crying in H-Mart" by Michelle Zauner.

I hope you made it out for the chocolate with Donya today, and have a peaceful night's rest.