Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team.

Sitting here in my neighbours house with Leo on my lap. We spent about four hours cuddling last night as I can’t bring myself to leave her alone. So here I am again! Her owners come home Wednesday.

It’s a holiday here today, regional anniversary. Rain and wind has surrounded us but it’s manageable and nice.

The current book I have rg is called The Sentence by Louise Erdrich. I’ve finally managed to get the brain still enough to manage to read well again. If you go onto Goodreads website and look me up you will see my list of current, past and future books. My book of the year last year was easily Boy Swallows Universe. That book was incredible.

Not to keen on going back to work tomorrow but I will clear my emails tonight to make the task less torture. There is a bit of tension at home currently and I think that’s more my fault than anything. Just feeling like a third wheel at home.
I do have a phone consult today with specialist in Auckland regarding my genetic testing. My brother came over last night with his partner of many years and informed us she has MS. Recent diagnosis that we are not surprised about as all the signs were there. There’s great management of this and medication to help and she’s feeling positive. Both their kids are incredibly bright and will be a tower of strength for her.

Better make my way home again and get this cat into her bed. She is just too old and frail to leave though!

[Mental Fairy]

Big difference between Leo and Mazie

[oak]

I hope your work week goes well, Mental Fairy!

Keep us posted

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Been on the road last week, just catching up. Reading all your posts. And a few odd comments below.

I saw the trailer for a film about the cats in Istanbul, and it's on my list.
(I'm a dog person, but may be coming around to cats too. They have their charms).


https://www.kedifilm.com/

KediFilm.JPG (92.93 KiB) Viewed 683 times

I'm glad you found a kindred spirit in Donya. Both being introverts, you can engage at a measured pace, right? No pressure to act or perform so to speak.

I am over the moon autumn is approaching and winter is only weeks away from starting.

The first spring flowers (crocuses, snow drops and daffodils) are popping up. It's been very grey here through the winter. Give me sunshine or snow, but not a grey blanket day after day

I have managed to get my head back into the books

Books. Yes. A form of mindfulness. Online reading, even longform articles, isn't the same.

I have lived with an inner drill instructor telling myself I’m not good enough, fast enough of enough. It needs to stop.

Yes. Seems like we all got drafted into the same army somehow.

[Mental Fairy]

Haha love that comment SD! We all drafted into army somehow, that’s gold.

I’ve found where my anger is coming from. Sadly it’s my boss. Her incredible anger towards the world starts the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to sleep. It’s all focused on politics and conspiracy theories she buys into. Yet somehow she’s a great Doctor.

Yesterday I had meeting with genetic team based in Auckland. They have found the key information for me and Matt moving forward. If a patient dies of bowel cancer in NZ samples are taken and studied and stored. My mums was tested and came back positive for Lynch syndrome.

I also am a carrier. We are yet to test Matt.

What does this mean? I’m not entirely sure as they putting plan into place to keep me here a lot longer if possible. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to know anymore than what I do already. I am not keen on more tests or scans. Ignorance is bliss.

On a bright note we know more. And we learn more about it.

I made a beautiful olive loaf to nibble on yesterday and my drunken uncle came over sober! He ate some and messaged me this morning saying it was the most beautiful bread he’s eaten. I almost fell off my chair. My jaw is still sore from hanging open in disbelief.

My brother whom I am close too has some time ahead planning on how to care for his partner Tracey. She’s been told she has MS so I will do the best I can to support him.

I have found my anger is spilling over at home and it’s popping up at moments I wish I could repeat with a better approach. I have become very reactive and not taking things slowly and approaching them a different way and not so offensively. Everything seems to come out wrong.

One more night nursing neighbours cat, they text me to tell me they have food poisoning and home tomorrow. I am thinking I might whip up some nutritious soup for them to slurp at when they feel better. I don’t like coming home from holiday and having to cook so will come up with something.

Sleep has been my big focus this last three weeks as I stopped running in mornings to focus on rest. It made a difference in many ways and not all positive. I will allow myself this week and go back to jogs next week. I can’t stay stale without going nutty, or nuttier than normal. The kind of nutty that’s super crunchy and super hard to deal with on bread or crackers. That kind of nutty.

Hugs to all

P.s my first book group meeting tomorrow. I’m nervous and anxious about this. But will put my underpants on the outside and brave it. Better be a good book!

[Mental Fairy]

I walked out……yup I had an internal battle with myself at the library and I walked out. Not before turning and seeing a book sitting right there before me at the end of the isle called What Happened To You, based on trauma and what it does to the brain. It was like we were meant to go home together.

Yesterday was a busy day and I built up a bucket of resentment towards my colleague as she pelted me with negative feelings towards the world and what’s it’s done to her and her life. She moved here from Russia back in 1985 and she’s had all this time to move back. Anywho….we had a complex case that took us about three hours of intense interviewing, assessment and dictation of notes to type up over my entire lunch break. I had to do it then as we need an anaesthetist for this case to assess the patient as soon as possible and there is a very very high chance she won’t wake up.

With that said, I spent the afternoon trying to not feel hungry, trying to not feel tired or drop the 8 ball as they say. I became unable to remember things and noted my desire to hide in the corner grew.

Joe picked me up from work as he took the car instead of the work truck. He spent the day getting a tattoo finished. Also something I don’t understand.
Luckily I spent my morning before work making dinner ready so all we had to do was turn the oven on and wait! I dashed in the door had a quick shower to get rid of any grime from working on peoples privates all day and refreshed my makeup. I have the boys a wave and went to the library. My intention was to be at book group before 6:30 to assess who was there. I drove around the block unable to find a park. So I parked further out of town and walked in. I was bang on 6:30 when I walked up the stairs of the library. As I walked in my stomach flipped my heart rate went up and sweat started to appear on my skin. I heard some familiar voices and immediately went down isles to see if I could establish who was there and how many. They was many, panic hit me. I hadn’t attended in over a year. How embarrassing, what am I going to say? What if they ask questions? Shame then floods me. I took the time to reset, practice my breathing and found a safe space to look up some books I would like to find. Sure enough I turned and there was this book sitting solo on a shelf. What Happened To You, by Dr Bruce Perry.

I grabbed the book and one other and self checkout was my one way to escape, doing the fastest scan of books in my life I took off down the road and back to the safety of my car.

Text Joe I’m on my way home and he replied with a question, did it happen again? What happened?

I replied with, not sure but I’ll read about it and let you know!

Upon arriving home I vomited up bile as I hadn’t eaten all day and dinner was just out of the oven. I felt a headache coming on, I felt lightheaded and nauseous.

That my friends was my first panic attack that caused me to become physically sick.

So I have tossed and turned all night running things over in my head at lightning speed, I’ve accepted myself for who I am, I’m trying to understand it. I might be able to piece this together with some study however one thing is for sure, I’m not going to beat myself up about it, this is me. I have slept in enough to feel lazy but not long enough to be late for work. I will now dive into the shower and start a new day fresh and as a student of life. I don’t understand this feeling of anxiety and panic attacks but I do understand I can’t attack myself for it. This is me, this is who I am, and I will grow from this. Maybe one day I will learn to love myself but until then I will love others.

Joes also informed me he’s made a booking at a restaurant on Saturday to celebrate my birthday, he won’t tell me where and assured me he has seen the menu to make sure there is food there I can eat, maybe I can’t tackle this social anxiety thing with the boys. Normally we eat around 6 or sometimes earlier so there is less people, this is booked for 7:30pm. I am already trying to practice being ok!

Hugs to all

[oak]

Mental Fairy, happy birthday!

Be sure to make many birthday wishes.

And well done for trusting your gut regarding walking away from the library.

Much like your situation, I've also walked away from specific events, even though there is no "rational" reason to do so. Our psyches know.

I am already trying to practice being ok!

Yes, please practice being okay!

Likewise, you can also practice being "not okay". Whatever that means for you.

Lastly, HALT will mess up any day

[Mental Fairy]

Your words mean a lot Oak, I felt silly, almost childlike minus the stamping and kicking on the floor. The inside of me does that.

I just walked into the office at work and stood at the door looking at my reception area, gave myself an pep talk, did a deep breath and tried to muster up the energy to get through this day. There is nothing quite like acknowledging your own weaknesses, having others point them out is a while different story.

[oak]

Very good, Mental Fairy.

And, if I may play the role of a "Dutch Uncle" for a moment...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_uncle

Regarding your colleague who is into conspiracy theories, I have bad news, my friend: this doesn't get better.

Though I glossed over it, conspiracy theories are what tore my family of origin apart.

While it may be possible for people to walk away from conspiracy theories, and return to the person they've been, I've never actually seen it happen.

While it gives me no pleasure to say, it is unlikely your colleague will come back from the abyss.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak
I can see now how she plays into the theories and it’s sad to see how she mainly focuses on Russian news and hatred towards others, yet she is so professional around people she is groomed to dislike. The passion she has towards her mother country is undeniable, she must live in so much negativity. Her health is declining. Her mental state is scary, every day she repeats ‘I hate this country’. I just grit my teeth and focus on the task at hand. Yet other days she’s different. I’m here for our patients not for her.
If you heard the things she says your toes would curl backwards. I would not be shocked to get a call one day saying she’s been found with her head in a bucket. Her hatred for many people, society and countries is incredibly difficult to accept.

She thinks I’m too nice, too kind and to giving. I would rather be true to myself that be like her