Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

She thinks I’m too nice, too kind and to giving. I would rather be true to myself that be like her

You are the right amount of nice, kind, and giving.

Speaking of giving, I "give" you a virtual birthday gift of hope and courage. I hope you have a great year.

Any plans for growth/fun/goals for your upcoming year, Mental Fairy?

[Mental Fairy]

Much like you oak I’m having to step back and look at this job situation. Focus on my self healing and learning about why am i the way i am. Reflecting, managing and progressing.

Forgiveness is my big thing I need to look into.

The main thing is the job side of things.

[oak]

Very good, MentalFairy.

I hope it is a good year for you.

[snoringdog]

...she must live in so much negativity. Her health is declining. Yet other days she’s different.

That's sad. She needs help.
(I wonder if any of her patients know of her struggles. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I'd like to imagine that a small show of support, like a card signed by her patients would cheer her up and help a little).

You mentioned that support for medical professionals is difficult to come by. Has there been any update on this? NZ has been hit hard lately, so the need is there.

Her hatred for many people, society and countries is incredibly difficult to accept.

I just typed in "Negativity is a drug", and bam... several hits

Here's an example

https://sobercollege.com/addiction-blog/addiction-to-negativity/

I lived in this world for awhile.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

On the subject of negativity - If you'll indulge me on this thread, here's something that I just saw and that's really stuck with me.

I want to be this way.

A young singer who goes by "Nightbirde" on America's Got Talent
(First six minutes)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0ACWg-S6Ws

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy"

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD,

Thank you for this link, I just sat up in bed and watched it with the boys and a cup of coffee. That was an emotional watch, also a reminder that every day is a bonus. I’m not particularly fond of birthdays as it almost sends me back to being a child that never had birthdays acknowledged nor celebrated. They leave a bitter taste in my mouth because it was a year of not being wanted.

On a bright note things have changed and we have each other on this spinning planet.

The rain has begun to fall this morning and it’s like music to my ears. I don’t have patients today which is even better as I have a pile of paperwork.

My colleague is somewhat open about her negative views of the world and her support for Russia. Patients are aware mostly to her personality, some love it and stick to her like clue, others say nothing and accept her service and knowledge. In the couple of years I’ve been there only two patients have never returned. One because she was rebooked so many times due to my colleague having to deliver a baby or go to emergency and the other because she came 30min late to her appointment and we refused to see her.

Yesterday I had to turn a blind eye to it and carry on. I felt very tired by the end of the day. I am forcing myself to leave at lunchtime to just get out of the clinic and catch some air. The other part of me just wants to work right through to get the day done and over with. However, tiredness creeps in and the brain starts to fail and make mistakes. We can’t make mistakes in our line of work. It can cost way more than we think.

The medical world here is failing in so many ways, the hospitals are on the brink as there is hardly any doctors and nurses. I was talking to the head of sterilisation department yesterday and he’s been taken from his role and put into endoscopic department as there’s no one else to do the theatre work. Management just doesn’t work well. There is many medications we can’t get or are in short supply, stock takes ages to arrive. Patients aren’t getting the care they need. It’s a bit like survival of the fittest now.
The cleanup of the damaged areas after cyclone is hardly talked about now, it’s like the media withdrew from the area and walked away to work on the next up and coming story. I am aware the suicide rate has skyrocketed post cyclone over that side of the island. Farmers and fruit growers mostly have lost everything, the government putting restrictions on where they can or how they can regrow their plantations. Insurance gone through the roof. If I sat and thought about it to much I would never move out of my bed. Focus on what’s happening under my roof and my skullcap! That’s what matters.

You are all in a way like family to me, I am more open with you all than I am with anyone else. The thought of losing this forum is far harder to process than most other thoughts. This forum needs an award.

It’s interesting having this past three weeks of I running, I’ve noticed a shift in the acceptance of myself and my body. When I’m running i feel stronger in many ways. I use running to gage how I am in many ways. Not running I feel flat, unhealthy and lazy. On the flip side I feel a lot more rested, restored and prepared to get back into it. Many runners take one or two weeks off after a solid eight weeks of training. Maybe I will try this approach.

Well better get a couple of chapters in and listen to this rain. It’s like the sky gave me the gift of audible rain.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

I hope your weekend is going well, that you have plenty of good reading material, and that you are running just the right amount.

There is much I could say about your excellent post, but let me say this:

I am glad your husband returned to the gym after the unwarranted verbal abuse those monsters gave him and his buddy.

I hope his work is going better.

[Mental Fairy]

Hello my friends

Monday is back, it never fails in bring with it anxious feelings and repetitive thoughts of negativity at times.

My birthday dinner went well, i was a little nervous as i don't like going out to restaurants much, to much noise and people. We went to a place called The Orangery. I have never been there before and twice i have attempted to book there but chickened out on calling. Matt is working 12 hour days and is not able to string a sentence together by the end of the day, he had to fight sleep between the main and the desert. He is much like myself and has little tolerance for busy places. Thankfully it wasn't to bad. We have the WOMAD festival on in our local park currently so people from all over the world come to do their own concerts or dance to the music so there is a cocktail of all different types of people currently around the city. Matt was mid sentence talking away to us about his day at work and then all of a sudden he stopped talking and looked over his dad shoulder who was sitting on the opposite side of the table. There in the hallway outside the glass entrance to the restaurant stood a drag queen, Matt has never seen anyone dress in drag before and he was quite shocked! Needless to say this has been the highlight of his night! My highlight was walking through the door at home after dinner (9:15pm- way past my bedtime) Mazie was sitting beside her food bowl and looked up at me as if to ask where the heck have we been. I giggled and gave her a pat and a second later a little mouse sprinted out of her food bowl, i assume it was playing dead up until i gave her a pat and she looked up at me. We spent a good hour or so running around the house searching for the mouse. Once caught, RIP mouse, Mazie layed down on the floor and looked at me again as if to show her displeasure to us having to chase her Saturday night dinner around the house. That's what i get for not feeding her before we left to go out.

I am currently reading about trauma and what it does to us over the years, how is presents and manifests as an adult. I clearly have issues and i am aware of this. Today i had to take my car for a warrant and dropped it off and was to take a loan car back to work and collect my own later in the day. The lady at the counter said it would only take 30 minutes to do the warrant so i could wait if i wanted. So i agreed and took a seat in this little coffee area by reception. I could hear all the workers around me and i honestly just wanted to hide behind a curtain or climb under the chair. I didn't want to be seen, looked at or even acknowledged. The sooner i got my keys back the better. I pulled out my book and started reading. The chapter is currently on dissociation, stress responses and behaviour. I noted myself wanting to become invisible and not wish to be seen. Now, if i go back a few years i was stronger, i was way fitter, i was confident and also somewhat a risk taker. However on the inside i was broken, i was having unhealthy dark thoughts about my own self, i was self harming in the way of restriction, excessive exercise and addiction. I was also sitting in the same seat waiting for the same car. Today i was there and the outside matched the inside. I feel defeated, somewhat broken as i'm not running as much or biking. I am however more kinder to myself, i am talking nicer to myself and i am gaining acceptance of who i am at my age and stage in life. Sure, i am not physically who i was back then, i am 10kg heavier but i am forgiving on myself for this as i am not underweight, nor overweight. I am however mentally struggling with things, as we all are. But i have learnt that the outside doesn't matter. The inner most thoughts do. I stull struggle to hold my head up high and i'm guessing i always will. I think i have just come to a place of acceptance.

Hope this makes sense.

So back to work and back to feeling like i'm chasing my tail. I saw my inbox and again the anger washed through my veins seeing all the questions from patients, all the results and all the requests. Again i feel the time i need to myself is stolen by others. I can't keep this up for much longer.

hugs to all

[oak]

Mental Fairy, well done for showing bravery at both the restaurant and auto shop. Both are nerve-wracking places for me, too.

Speaking of similarities, considering that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, do you mind if I create a thread regarding the last sentence of your post?

Specifically, that you can’t go on much further like this.

I ask because I know, deep down, I’m headed to another breakdown in 2023 if I don’t have more fun soon.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you, yes fire away with thread.