Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Never been good at flowing-narrative responses, so various comments on your posts follow...

Panic attack at the library book club -
I can understand the feeling, especially if you haven't been in awhile. Somewhat natural to think that you'd be in a sort of spotlight, benign though it would be. (Hello! Good to see you! How have you been?! etc etc).

Maybe next time, pre-rehearse some of the give-and-take to mentally prepare?
And did you think about taking calming breaths? It does work if you can remember.
At least you found a good book, and you can always try again!

repetitive thoughts of negativity at times

This has been my life-long struggle. I consider myself a realist, but that tends toward negativity all too easily.

I didn't want to be seen, looked at or even acknowledged.

This is so familiar. Is it shame? Feeling inadequate? What parts of our brains kick in to bring on these feelings? But I'm sure this isn't a constant state of mind for you, is it?

I am however more kind to myself, i am talking nicer to myself and i am gaining acceptance

Yes. Way to go! Tell that Drill Sergeant to stick it where the sun don't shine!

I saw my inbox and again the anger washed through my veins seeing all the questions from patients, all the results and all the requests. Again i feel the time i need to myself is stolen by others.

You're in a high-stress position with people depending on you, so it's imperative that you take time for yourself and not get overloaded. It's not just that you deserve it, it's a job requirement.

And maybe you *do* need a break, or a change. The stress along with the draining negativity would wear on anyone.

-------------------------------------------------------------
A few weeks ago, while the cyclone was active, I was listening to a poetry course on line, and they mentioned a poem by W.B Yeats, called Prayer for my Daughter.
The first stanzas made me think of you and the other New Zealanders

Once more the storm is howling, and half hid
Under this cradle-hood and coverlid
My child sleeps on. There is no obstacle
But Gregory's wood and one bare hill
Whereby the haystack- and roof-levelling wind,
Bred on the Atlantic, can be stayed;
And for an hour I have walked and prayed
Because of the great gloom that is in my mind.
I have walked and prayed for this young child an hour
And heard the sea-wind scream upon the tower,
And under the arches of the bridge, and scream
In the elms above the flooded stream;
Imagining in excited reverie
That the future years had come,
Dancing to a frenzied drum,
Out of the murderous innocence of the sea.


And a further stanza just now made me think of your physician boss -

If there's no hatred in a mind
Assault and battery of the wind
Can never tear the linnet from the leaf.

An intellectual hatred is the worst,
So let her think opinions are accursed.
Have I not seen the loveliest woman born
Out of the mouth of Plenty's horn,
Because of her opinionated mind
Barter that horn and every good
By quiet natures understood
For an old bellows full of angry wind?


SD

[Mental Fairy]

My cup is leaking, I feel so drained. Casual attire to work today as I don’t feel 100%. I went to go outside for a walk/jog this morning and was unable. I got onto the yoga mat and did some NSDR.
I’ve had strong inflammation in the joints and trying to get the medication right. Stomach is not currently processing food well, done some bloods to make sure things aren’t on the move again.
It snowed last night on the hills so that brought great comfort.

Got to work this morning, there in the driveway was a beautiful cat. Oh it was lovely to see, immediately calm washed over me. We had pats and cuddles. No idea whose it is but it is gone now. For a moment my heart sung and I felt so much compassion and comforting feelings. I walked up the stairs to my office and slumped into the chair, looked at me inbox and tried everything not to cry. I’m feeling this darkness wrap around me like a cloak and I’m not able to take it off like i used too.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

I hope you feel more yourself soon.

I’m glad you enjoyed the snow!

[Mental Fairy]

https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/national/486478/authorities-accused-over-cancers-around-agrichemicals-plant-at-paritutu

The house two spaces up from the fence line was where I grew up. Photo in the article

[snoringdog]

I'm sorry you're suffering and feeling so poorly right now.
I wish we could help...

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you, it will pass. Got to bed super early last night. Woke at 4am to Mazie playing zoomies around the bedroom. Sat outside in the fresh autumn air and watched the stars for an hour. For some reason I am finding that action in the mornings far more comforting.

We have scheduled a week off in April with no patients just to catch some air. Of course I still have to go in everyday and check results, read and plan patients treatment plans and so on but at least I can breath for a week.

Forever grateful for all of you.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team Mental

First Beany needs and an award for his recent post, it prompted me to post. Beany summed up how today felt in so many ways.

I watched my boss move into a tailspin of anger, frustration and hatred.

Hatred is such a strong word and I don’t use the term lightly. I have observed her over this couple of years and seen the true emotion spill out of her at times In a way now I see clearer than ever before.

Her outburst happened at 4pm this afternoon, it was aimed towards the ether and directed towards anything and everything that resembles NZ. Only hours before she was spouting off about how we will all be dead soon because of political powers with underestimated strength. I don’t like politics and never have and have no interest in getting into that conversation.

I watched what I can only describe as a childish rant I noted I wanted to laugh. I actually felt like laughing. She looked and sounded like a childish brat who had their lollipop stolen all because her travel plans had been deployed in June by a couple of weeks. Suddenly the government was being blamed, anybody and anything became her immediate enemy.
After the laughter came sadness, I feel sad that she feels so much hatred on a daily basis. It’s not just a dislike it is more than that. Her depression is deeper than I think mine ever was (or is). When I was first diagnosed it was hatred towards myself and myself alone. No one else.

Today she wanted me to complain to the people who make out prescription pads, she noted the ink is not as dark and it must be because NZ can’t afford good ink for printing because of our political stance against other nameless countries she supports.
I’m not intimidated by her, I am shocked at how someone can live like this. It’s such a waste of energy and will maybe cost her some years of her life.

I have noted she is taking me down with the ship, i am currently in the life boat trying to paddle with my hands to get away from her energy, her hatred and her fall out. This last few weeks has tested me, it’s sucked me of the energy I needed to get by in a healthy way every day. She is costing me my health. Beany did the post and then I realised I am awake enough to see I’m doing ok, I’m not going to drop to her level and I can confirm I will never hold the emotions she does. It’s not in my blood.

Last weekend I was reading a book and i wanted to see what it takes to donate your body to science. SD posted his kind donation of platelets. Something I wished I could do. The criteria to donate is rather complex and it wrote me off the potential list. It made me think about the people that selflessly donate the entire body, wow what a thing to do. Would I do it? That I am not so sure.

My nightmares last night deserved an Oscar, I woke up at the end of the bed facing the wrong way. As a baby I was given a teddy, Mr Ted. Mr Ted has had pride of place in all my bedrooms I’ve ever lived in. Sometimes under a pillow as he is small or on a shelf. Last night for the first time in 30+ years I reached for him. I hoped he would magically take away the emotion that took over after the dreams, the terror and the despair. He only took the edge off.

This weekend is here and I will focus my attention back onto my mental health as it has taken a hit this last few weeks, I am annoyed slightly that I allowed it to happen. I let her get to me, I allowed her negative ways take me down. The i too had an enlightening moment as Beany so kindly described.

Thank you for your post Beany, you gave me some hope I am not like her, nor will I ever be.

Mental hugs

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing. You deserve better. Unfortunately there is nothing good down that road your colleague is on. Nothing will improve, and a downer split is the only outcome. You may want to stay ahead of the situation, and find new work sooner than later.

Related: just last night I was thinking about posting about common characteristics of bitter people: overweening certainty, interests over positions (basically always wanting to be “right”), religion, lack of fresh ideas.

I consider the amount of daily “spoons” I spend on anxiety about bitter people; then I consider my goals (professional, barre, cleaning) and realize how meeting my goals/aspirations in life will take all the spoons I can muster.

Unfortunately we we may need to leave spoon-thieves behind.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

It’s a shock the first time;

1. That the sheer volume of intense acting out, that is being regularly absorbed from others, becomes consciously apparent.

2. That that absorption rate can be skillfully interrupted and reduced, becomes a tacit option.

We are not born to be toilets for other peoples’ emotional diarrhea.

Sorry for that metaphor…

[Mental Fairy]

I couldn’t agree more. Today I look back on her outburst and I feel embarrassed for her. It’s disappointing to see someone act like that that’s not wearing a nappy.

I told the boys I want to leave and both stopped eating with shock. It take a lot to make them stop eating!

There is a different feeling today that I noted, I can’t quite put my finger on it as yet. It’s a little anger + disappointment and annoyance.

The thing is she can’t see it, she is blind to her outbursts. I don’t understand it at all.