Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

We can be such weird, compartmentalized creatures.

It's no small thing to become a doctor. The drive, commitment and intelligence... (maybe I overestimate, but still....

And yet we really live on emotion. That's what makes Spock characters so interesting.

And we can turn on a dime....

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

It’s been made very clear my depression has taken hold this past four weeks. We have an incredible resource in NZ called “just a thought”

It’s an incredibly good online course that helps with mental health and gives you direct access to all the people you need in downtimes. I’m not going to lie, this past four weeks has been testing. Partly work related and partly grief and feeling absolutely useless and not good enough. I’m trying and I mean really trying to make sense of things but maybe there is no way of having concrete answers. What I do know is this forum has helped in many ways, I’m sure it’s saved a life or two.
Today the boys and I went out and about. I lasted until 10am and wanted to go home to bed. Instead i made two dozen hot cross buns and went and delivered them to neighbours. I noted little things affecting me and it’s things that don’t normally. I’ve not been running now for a while as I am so fatigued and down. I noted a small panic attack today as Mazie went outside and didn’t come back for a couple of hours. I started to panic and my head was telling me all sorts of stories of her not coming back because I’m overprotective or I don’t deserve such a lovely cat. I forced myself to go for a walk and I cut it short because I wanted to check she came home. She had. Immediately my mood lifted and I felt safe again. I do the same when Matt goes out.

I can’t really find the words for how silly this is but I felt so much weight on my shoulders today. I loved the baking and making of something plus the giving. Tonight my neighbour took me into the city to get a vegetable bowl meal at a local food truck place. I put on a brave face but inside I was screaming. I managed to eat half and she noted I needed to leave. I really wish I could understand this part of me but I see it is challenging as I get older.

One of my favourite shows to watch currently is an American series called The Best Thing I Ever Ate. I’ve even made some of the dishes we see. It’s become a weekend watch. Today it was on and I found myself watching but not listening and taking it in. I see now this is how i have been for the past few weeks. I’m there but I’m not. I’m just existing. I’m taking in air but not being grateful for it. I’m laying here and not really resting. I’m just existing.

Then I was readying Beanys post and I snapped out of it. I understood, the mental door opened and I felt air. I appreciated the acknowledgement that we felt similar and I’m (WE) are not alone in this. We got each other.

Thank you for putting up with me! And thank goodness for the team at Just A Thought her in NZ

[snoringdog]

Instead i made two dozen hot cross buns and went and delivered them to neighbours...... I loved the baking and making of something plus the giving.

Good job navigating the mental oppression of depression! The first step is the hardest. Mood lift is secondary to action, but god, taking that first action can be so hard...

Then I was reading Beanys post and I snapped out of it.

May we always be able to recognize and react and get out from under...

[oak]

I’m just existing. I’m taking in air but not being grateful for it. I’m laying here and not really resting. I’m just existing.

Mood, as the (wonderfully perceptive) young people say.

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy.

[manuel_moe_g]

“Just a thought“ sounds like a great resource

[Mental Fairy]

Today has been bloody hard, I woke to rain and I was elated and excited to see autumn sky’s. The sun came out and I went back into my shell and pulled the curtains in the bedroom. I did my check in on the ‘Just A Thought’ website and noted today was harder than yesterday.

I couldn’t tell you really what I’ve actually achieved today. I finished a book, I made the boys lunches. Made some blueberry ricotta pancakes with Matt and hid away in my room with the cat. Couldn’t bring myself to even go outside.

Today feels like I’m again just exhausted. Been looking for work and found a couple of options. I’m medically trained so I’m very well aware of not applying for roles that will drive me back to this same situation. Time will tell. Right now I’m just wishing the sun would go down and my sleep will not bring with it teeth pulling dreams as it did last night.

Mental hugs

[oak]

Been looking for work and found a couple of options.

Well done, Mental Fairy.

There is only bad, and increasingly intense bad, down the road your colleague is on. Keep us posted.

Also, this doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but here goes:

Today I ran the dishwasher, did all the laundry, and made a beautiful roast. Sometimes we just need a roast and our prescribed Buspar to feel a little better.

I send (metaphorical) Buspar!

[Mental Fairy]

Yay oak, progress for you. Simple acts like self care and washing of dishes and clothing is a very soothing activity.

Currently sitting on the bed trying to stay home as long as possible before I have to be at clinic. Did do a 5km walk this morning. I forced myself to go. Didn’t give my brain enough time to argue with itself.

[rivergirl]

Hi MF,

Thank you so much for the lovely pen pal message. When you mentioned pen pals it reminded me that as a child one of my two pen pals was Elizabeth from New Zealand! I just read through your message and am now reading your last few posts here. I'm so sorry that depression and grief have been weighing you down this month. I'm always amazed at your ability to persevere. You have lucky neighbors, and thanks to you I have a new bucket list goal, to try a hot cross bun for the first time. When I do I'm sure that I'll be thinking of you.

I'm glad you had the time hiding away with Maize. Two graphic novel I saw at work recently: "I Am a Cat Barista" and "Cat Massage Therapy." Both about therapeutic kitties. I don't know what I'd do without my furry cat boss/therapist. I'm also happy to hear that you were able to do the 5K and again I'm in awe of your resilience. Although if you need more downtime, or to just fall apart at times, please don't feel guilty about that.

Good thoughts & sweet misty dreams,

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Thanks rg

Today was going ok, then it started falling to bits. I managed a jog this morning, all while listening to podcast. I feel to ashamed to message my therapist, I don’t want to see GP. Yesterday was a good/better day. Today I just want to get home as soon as possible.