Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Thank you, after my ice bath evening weeks ago it brought up a lot. We did a breathing practice for an hour straight and in that time frame we used different types of breathing styles coupled with mental exercises to process. It was raw, it was the hardest thing I’ve done this year. Face multiple versions of me at different ages. It broke me into bits over the following weeks since.

You would be asking why I’m going back for more, and not just one evening but two whole days of it. I need to rebuild me, I needed to face myself and face my past self. Accept both. Allow emotions and allow acceptance.

The time on the mat I reflected on all of your inputs. All of the forum conversations and how lucky I was/am to have supportive people like yourself. Accepting I’m worth the support has also been hard. Accepting myself even harder.

Today I have mapped out a bike ride that will allow me to hunt geocaches like I used to with Matt when he was young. It was so much fun going on adventures doing geocaching. We learnt so much along the way. No reason why it has to stop. I might look weird being a middle aged women looking under rocks, up trees, inside fake fence posts and mailboxes just to find a log book, but hey I loved doing it and if someone thinks I’m weird for doing it then so be it. I’ll be having my own fun. I just wish I had someone to do it with. Both the boys are not interested. Well Matt maybe if I push, Joe absolutely not!

I listen to a podcast by Gary Jubelin called ‘I catch killers’. It’s not what you think from the title but he talks to people he was once on the hunt for, locked up or investigated and how they turned their life around. It is so moving to hear the stories, I highly recommend it. Don’t know why I told you that but it’s been something that’s made me think about my dad, my attacker and Joes soon to be released uncle from life sentence! Grrr! Yes, he’s coming out.

It’s been hard this year, honestly Oak. I didn’t see this coming and I sure as heck didn’t think it would get this hard.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Thanks for the update, I was a little concerned since you hadn't posted in awhile.
As usual, your post is eloquent, revealing, and thought provoking.

Face multiple versions of me at different ages.

God... this can lead one down a rabbit hole of doubt and self-recrimination, and what-ifs, if not careful, right? It's got me thinking....

Accepting I’m worth the support has also been hard.

Easy to extend to others, but so hard to take for ourselves. So typical... but why?

I might look weird being a middle aged women looking under rocks, up trees,

Only if you pull your hat low, and mutter as you dodder around and poke at things with your walking stick..

I didn’t see this coming and I sure as heck didn’t think it would get this hard.

Being blindsided is the worst. Up one day, down the next for me...

But we're here.

SD

[oak]

It was raw, it was the hardest thing I’ve done this year.

That is really saying something, Mental Fairy, considering how difficult your 2023 has been. I hope this courageous effort has brought healing. Keep us posted!

Thank you for the podcast recommendation

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Thank you for your input.

SD in reply to facing multiple versions of myself i can only explain it as somewhat healing, somewhat confronting and somewhat needed and overdue.

There was 20+ people in the room all doing the same thing for many different reasons and you could hear the sobbing going on around ourselves. Since then i have a much clearer image of myself, my behaviors and my reactions to sudden uncontrollable situations. In response to this event my anxiety has gone through the roof. I think more so because i become fearful of myself. My true self. What i am capable of and what i do and don't cope well with. Abandonment has been my major issue. Example....Joe said he was being posted to the South Island next week for a week or more. I took it as he wanted to leave, he wanted to not be home, he didn't want to be with me anymore. I put my guard up, i walked away, i spilled over in internal turmoil, i shut down completely. Tried to pretend my feelings were not real. Then i had to face them, negotiate them. Understand it is due to staff shortage and lack of skilled experienced people to be working on the port there for the upcoming ships. No matter how i worded it to myself i felt abandoned, hurt, lost and not needed. I still feel it.
I asked this morning and he said he wont be going next week due to the ships now coming here to offload. Now he is working night shift all weekend. I immediately felt better. I am honestly struggling with it. It was never this bad when he was on the road in the truck.

The depressing feeling come over me so strong, i will be honest and say it was the worst i have had in years. Now i am left very much anxiety filled and worried it will come back again. Hence buying the ice bath as i want to face this head on and get to the bottom of it. The other options are not healthy. My dreams are tormenting, my days are filled with fidgeting and self doubt. I am pushing back with yoga, mindfulness, ice baths, breathing techniques and reading.

Both the boys are ice bathing daily and loving it. That has taken me by great surprise. I do mine after a work out in the morning and feel so good afterwards.

Took the cat to the vet this morning for her yearly check over, she is well and all fluff. Matt said she has more chins than a Chinese phone book, but i can confirm she only has three layers of winter fluff.
Better get back to work and sort next week out. I have the neighbour coming over for cold dip this evening. News travels fast in this town, there will soon be a line out the door.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I am sorry you are sometimes in a reactive place, and the reaction is full of depression and anxiety

please take care, you mean so much to me and to all of us here

[oak]

Well said, Manuel Moe.

Also, Mental Fairy, an off topic link I wanted to share with you, considering your current career:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/12u9ne1/back_when_stories_had_simpler_morals/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&utm_content=2&utm_term=15

While the end of the 15-second clip is played for a bit of a joke, I think there is considerable truth to that moral.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi oak
Oh that takes me back! I used to watch that! Forgotten all about it! I do miss dental!

Thank you both MM and Oak for your reply. Today has been a lazy day. Got some little jobs done. Matt’s down the port cleaning Joes truck and I’m trying to power through a very good book I don’t want to end! Very wet foggy day this morning but blue sky is starting to show, bugger it!

[Mental Fairy]

Our mountain took another life yesterday. Body removed immediately as he was hit by boulder. Tomorrow is a national holiday so we will be laying a token as mourning on the mountain. A karakia was preformed today and family coming to collect the body after coroner completes his work. The town is very quiet today. Amazing how people band together in mass when an event like this happens.

Hugs to all

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, that is intense, Mental Fairy

Hope you are doing well, take care

[oak]

Agreed with Manuel Moe.

Hang in there, Mental Fairy.

Feel free to post if you feel so moved.