Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Who doesn’t love a bit of Peter Gabriel!

[Mental Fairy]

Sunday, well it’s come and almost gone. The crickets are rubbing their legs together in the grasses as the rain edges closer and closer. I’ve had my Sunday catch up with the drunken uncle who knew I wasn’t going to take any shit today as Joes at work. I asked him some tough questions and got the answers I needed about some things about my mum. He then went to leave and said I’ve put weight on and I finally look normal apparently. That inner me wanted to scream as that’s the worst thing to say to me! Trying to drawn it out. At my lightest I was 50kg, I’m currently 67kg. In the past I would have ran for my running shoes and gone and done laps of the trails. Now, now I know what’s right and what’s unhealthy.

I did want to do a walk on the beach today but can’t bring myself to go. I love love love walking along the sand on a rainy day. The smell and the waves, stones rolling over stones. So beautiful.

I’ve made a Mediterranean salad in honour of my friend Oak. My ducks are happy and well. Mazie is cuddled up on the bed.

Rolled out my yoga mat and will do some stretching before jumping in ice bath. Going to be a wild week of weather ahead. Secured my olive trees and got as much fruit off the trees that were ripe.

Joes grandpa is deteriorating with his memory, I’ve asked one of his sons who lives in Australia to come and help, we can’t do this dementia thing on our own. Matt had to drive to grandpa on Friday to prove to him it was Friday as grandpa couldn’t work out how it was Friday. Dementia is so cruel.

Well this mat is rolled out at my feet and I need to roll onto it! If I don’t do it now I will find reasons not too!

Kiwi hugs to all

[rivergirl]

Hi MF,

Just catching up on a few of your posts. I feel like I'm reading short stories that give me wonderful (sometimes harrowing) glimpses into your life.

You give so much to your patients and your family. I hope you can continue to find time to fit in the things that bring you some solace (nature, birds, ducks, cats, books, yoga, running, biking ...)

I feel sad about your lack of birthday celebrations. I wish we were close to enough to throw you a special party to make up for all those years. I'm very glad that you were born!

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Thanks rg!

I rolled myself onto the yoga mat but the cat became abnormally cute and she needed pats. In theatre all day tomorrow, then clinic rest of week. Hanging out for leave…… enjoy your Sunday everyone.

[oak]

Hi Mental Fairy!

I’ve made a Mediterranean salad in honour of my friend Oak.

I am touched that you thought of me. I hope it was delicious!

My ducks are happy and well. Mazie is cuddled up on the bed.

That is the good life, my friend.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Everyone

After a night of weird dreams and unanswered questions that go with them I bounced out of bed like a spring, I needed to get my head outside in the humid drizzle. I downed a cup of something warm and hit the pavement. For 8km I felt the old Gia was there, happy, bouncing along with a swagger of endorphins flowing around my veins, feeding my hungry starving brain in need of the old me. Then poof she was gone, it was a slog on the last 1.5km, street lights out unable to see I used my phone light to make my way home.

Then it occurred to me that’s how I have been feeling, when you walk a known street without lights in the darkness you feel unsteady on your feet. You don’t trust your own footing, you wonder where the little dip is leading into each driveway. You feel for a post or a badly parked camper or trailer.
Like a sudden awakening I realised that’s how I have been feeling even with the lights on. Untrusting, unsteady, unkind to myself.

I got to my corner before it leads to my home three properties in from the corner that leads to the street with no nights. I felt exposed again, even with one street light I felt exposed in the darkness that surrounds the little light.

That is how I have been feeling, even in the darkness I have been processing through I felt exposed, ashamed and embarrassed.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I wish I could send you my super bright headlamp I use for walking my puppy at night. Using the lamp built into the phone seems so inadequate

Wishing you the very best, please take care, Mental Fairy, be safe

[Mental Fairy]

Hi MM,

Thank you for reminding me, i do have one but i need to put new batteries into it. I always say the same thing to myself everytime i go out in the mornings. By the time i get in the door i forget.

So team i have noted something, the past few weeks i have have drowned my own self talk out with listening to podcasts every chance i can get avoid listening to my inner self talk. I found it made me worse. This past three days i have not used my earbuds at all, in fact i have not even listened to anything on my runs, walks, bikes and in between heading to locations. I normally use them to shut of external noise so i don't get so pissed of with sounds like i tend to.

No one could sleep well last night and we all got up at 3am, Joe first then myself thinking it was 4 and not 3. Matt also as he thought the same. I got dinner sorted in the slow cooker, vacuumed the house, went for my run and made my breakfast. It felt good to get into the ice bath after the run and just watch the stars. I did my deep breathing and looked at a different star each time i took a deep breath. I got a wash of calm over me. This morning i have found i feel better for not using my earbuds and not ignoring my inner self. I acknowledge it and let it wash over me and it goes again.

The rain is starting to fall and i am aware we have a weather warning in place so i will motor home at lunchtime and sort my washing. My sleep is concerning me a little as the dreams are like some sort of mish mash of all sorts of things, colours are really bright in them for some reason and very animated.

Hope you are all doing ok, i find the mornings are so precious and the evenings are so confronting.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, well done for listening to your inner voice, when it is so easy and tempting to drown it out with distractions.

Also, in your post before last, thank you for sharing the analogy about dark streets. Well said.

Lastly, speaking of slow cookers: I’m not sure if they have them in NZ, but you might want to try the plastic liners. There is no cleanup!

[snoringdog]

This past three days i have not used my earbuds at all, in fact i have not even listened to anything on my runs, walks, bikes and in between heading to locations. I normally use them to shut of external noise so i don't get so pissed of with sounds like i tend to.

This morning i have found i feel better for not using my earbuds and not ignoring my inner self.

This is familiar to me too. I listen to podcasts to learn, be entertained, and feel connected, and music to be soothed or inspired. But sometimes this gets tiresome, and quiet is enough.

The other day at the gym I forgot my headphones and started to freak a bit. I like to be in a cocoon of sorts and not interact there. (Some people take it as a social outlet, but not me, at least not now).

But I decided to just relax and concentrate on my bodily feelings during the various stretches, and count the reps on the machines, and just pay attention to my breathing.
Not so hard, and I realized that my little mp3 player was not absolutely necessary.

(Now when a couple of my work colleagues start mindlessly jabbering, that's a different story . And is it just me, or does whistling seem to be a somewhat selfish and annoying habit that some people indulge in?)