Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

there is plastic liners for slow cookers? This I must find.

We have had a month worth of rain in 24 hours, needless to say it’s great for my ducks who are currently swimming in a newly formed pond on my bottom lawn. Less impressed is my cat in need of her morning zoomies around the house in the mornings chasing moths away from outside lights.

I ran in the rain this morning, it was beautiful. Skin is waterproof so i made no excuse to getting out into it. Again we were all up at 3:30am. Not sure why we are doing this as a collective but it’s two mornings in a row now.

With no earbuds I focused on my breathing, counting 1234-123. Repeat repeat repeat.
I focused on the numbers and off I went, passsing beautiful memories of being on the mountain in stormy weather and braving it. Loving the cold against my skin, the water unable to reach my skin through layers of protective gear. To be in nature is something I’m craving more and more.

Alas back to clinic to get through Thursday. The rain falls the washing drying inside and my cat all tucked up in bed.

SD, the gym situation made me clench my teeth together. I tried the gym but it’s to confronting being around all the people, the music and the smell. Earbuds helped me through the training sessions but all the internal screaming of being in public absolutely outweighed the distractions put in place to help me cope. Never again!

[Mental Fairy]

One month worth of rain in 24hours.
Wow, flooding and very very happy ducks

[manuel_moe_g]

Oh well, at least the ducks are happy!

Please take care, Mental Fairy

[rivergirl]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I'm glad that you're still getting out for your run, even in the rain. It makes me smile picturing your pleased ducks. Do you find the rain comforting? It's been feeling that way to me this year.

It's such a challenge finding the balance between feeling the depth of your emotions, but not allowing them to overwhelm you. What do you find most helpful for releasing emotions? I know sometimes nothing works well, but it seems as though you gravitate toward activities that involve movement or at least being in touch with physical sensations (running, yoga, cleaning, counting breaths).

It seems like a good sign that you were able to be alone with your own thoughts for several days. And that you were able to take a break from your mp3 player, SD. I don't know if it's just part of aging, but I do find that I get more annoyed when people thoughtlessly impose sounds on others, or when I have to be in a public space with loud music. I just noticed how loud the birds are outside my window right now, and I have to admit I make an exception for them. They can impose all they like.

Thank you for your updates, MF. I hope you continue to feel safe sharing them here.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Thunder and lightning here today. Got a little jog/walk in this morning. Legs were not feeling it. I am going to go bush next week for three days and make my way around the mountain. Need the time up there in silence and away from life.

I tried a meditation this morning over yoga. I did find it somewhat helpful. The anxiety level is rising up rather swift this morning. Many patients with many needs and some just can't accept we need time off. Three pregnancy cases looking like that wont make it through first trimester. Days like this i miss dental. Less complications and far less life and death. There are days i feel like i am in the right place for myself right now however there are days like today that i feel way in over my head and unable to hold it together when giving bad news. I have piles of results sitting beside me i have to take the time to look at and files to process from yesterday and prep for today.

On the plus side i don't need to cook dinner tonight as there is plenty of left overs from last night. I have book group tomorrow night, the discussion around the amazing book Loop Tracks will get heated as this with touch on some rather interesting topics. I look forward to the publics feedback on it also.

I honestly just want to load up my pack and head for the hills, i feel caged and desperate for some peace.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

Something I forgot to note is I put a blocking app on my devices so I can’t see the news anymore, did this about a week ago and it is helping me stop looking. However, I failed to note a state of emergency was declared thanks to rain but thankfully it’s not in our region. So I figured if water is lapping at my feet when I wake up then I better remove the app!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

I am glad to hear you are taking action about screen time. Just yesterday I checked out an ebook about the same.

Also, I am glad the discourse (regarding the book you mentioned) in NZ hasn’t gotten as toxic as it is here.

I say this because religion and politics has torn my family of origin apart.

[Mental Fairy]

Morning Lovely People.

Well we are flooding but I have not taken the app off my phone that blocks news sites. I will wing this and see how it goes. I’m aiming for a month. I am aware however that I’m not the best swimmer but the mountain will be my higher ground! Best be building me an ark.

Sat in my ice bath on the deck this morning, thunder claps above and some lightning out at sea. Was quite beautiful. Did a nice yoga session beforehand. Joes home today to sort some things for grandpa and Matt is fighting a cold but gone to work. We are half way through the week and I’m hanging out to close the door on Friday and walk away for two weeks. I’ll still get emails but I will not be coming into the practice at all. My tolerance level is reaching its peak.

I fell into bed last night about 6:30, I was absolutely wiped out. I recall none of the night at all but apparently I was busy doing my walk thing and talk thing. Was awoken at 4am with my google clock making some form of an attempt to bellow whale sounds out of its little speaker. I almost shit the bed with the sound. It’s the first time I’ve used it. Better look at the settings I feel.

Better get back to the patients, just wanted to stop by and announce I lived another day with this bloody anxiety feeling!

If I don’t check in tomorrow it is because I’m either on the mountain building my ark or washed downstream!

Hugs to all

[oak]

I am aware however that I’m not the best swimmer but the mountain will be my higher ground!

This is excellent thinking, Mental Fairy.

I encourage you to consider the following, which I offer with all sobriety and solemnity:

Decide now, as in right this minute, what the criteria is, water-wise, to head up the mountain immediately.

Said another way:

Excepting your son/husband/cats, what water/storm event will cause you to go up the mountain right this second, leaving behind your home/car/phone/yoga mat/everything? Six inches of flowing water? Twelve inches?

I say this not to be a downer, but because in that moment you won't have time to make such a decision, but may only have time to escape.

Please accept this suggestion in the spirit it is offered, which is both kindness and frankness.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team
Roads closed north due to slips. Two tornadoes in south taranaki yesterday morning. Extremely windy here in the west. Rain overnight was heavy. We are safe where we are. Work is by the ocean so will see what it is like when I head into clinic. If there is one sounds that gives be the spooky feeling it’s the wind blowing through the powerlines overhead.

Had book group last night and shit hit the fan big time. More so because of my honesty. The book was called Loop Tracks and it touched on many topics, all of which up for debate worldwide.
When it got to my turn about the book it went a little something like this….

‘Well I liked the book, it was very much a book about trauma, about adversity and the emotions that go with love or lack of it. It’s about the emotions that come with loss through abortion and the choice of end of life for the terminally unwell. Being the surviving child of attempted home abortion and also growing up knowing I wasn’t wanted. This book was relatively profound to read as it touches on mental health, its struggles and its triumphs. Everyone has rights and everyone deserves love.
I have been witness to the patients struggling with choice of what to do with their situation and I can hand on heart tell you it’s a hard role to end a life, make a new one for struggling couples and also hold the hand of the people wishing their bright light would come. I loved the book because it’s real, it’s true and it’s a small part of my life.’

So after that little speech three women got so upset they had to go get water. Not one of them could face the emotions, and only one put their hand on my shoulder and had a tear. What got me was all people there including a nurse of many years gave the book no credit, they couldn’t see the mental health effects of such topics. They laughed it off and changed the subject. Yes they made me feel very alone in a way but also very powerful to say I don’t hold on to being the unwanted anymore. I noted the emotional side of me was very safe and secure in my crappy start to life. I felt stronger. But also exposed, or unique. It’s wasn’t my fault my mother didn’t want twins, she didn’t want either of us. That’s ok, I had my grandparents. I made the choice not to go down the ugly part of substance abuse and blaming her for everything. I stand proud I’m here and the fact that not one of these women understands is fine. I don’t need their support. I got you all reading this and I have my little family of three. I don’t need much more than that.

Next book is…wild at heart by Miriam lancewood