Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

https://www.jonnabbs.com/

Saw this while having breakfast this morning and immediately understood why this man is doing this!

https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/132163003/intrepid-kiwi-jon-nabbs-sets-off-on-rare-solo-run-feat-8000km-right-across-canada

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team Wonderful

Laying on the couch with a book in hand. We all had a broken nights sleep thanks to a car hitting a pole and power going out. It would not of been to bad apart from the fact the power went on and off for a good three hours causing beeping to sound from multiple devices. It’s not till you hear them all that your notice how many things beep!! Alexia, google and Siri were having a beep party in our home.

Got up early as usual and had zero energy. Brain says go for a bike ride but my body says heck no women. Got groceries for grandpa and milk from farm. Today is rest day. Back to work tomorrow.

Dreams again last night when I did get off to sleep. Not sure why but they are somehow making their way back into my consciousness.
Maybe because I’m back to work full time tomorrow? I’ve managed to avoid my neighbour across the road who winds me up now for about a month, it’s felt rather good. As horrible as that seems.

Cauliflower rice with stuffed chicken bobbies tonight! For some reason cauliflower rice is a big thing currently. We humans are weird creatures ain’t we. I do wonder if back in caveman times if there was trend setting cave people. I know one thing is for sure, I would have my cave next to Oaks as tacos sound darn good right about now. Enjoy your tacos Oak.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, you've been through a lot in this 2023.

Hang in there, my friend, and keep us posted with your progress regarding nightmares and sleepwalking.

Lastly, yes, I'd be glad to share all I have, including tacos, with such good friends.

Enjoy a little El Pato (pleasantly spicy tomato sauce) and celery seed to celebrate the humble pleasures of life, including tacos.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi groupies

Tough day. Day one back at office doing my thing with surgeon running around like headless chook.

Ultrasound printer popped its clogs, need new one. Had manic morning and looked up and saw we worked through lunch and it was 2:45pm.

Patient on end of life journey is now hours away but begging for euthanasia but it’s proving to be extremely difficult to get that underway. Next to impossible. She is at home and wasn’t planning on assisted dying but the pain is hard to manage so sedation is key.

It got me thinking after reading her notes and going through her paperwork how this journey has been for her. Weeks ago she was planning trip away, talking about next round of chemo (privately funded as government says she to far gone to supply medical chemo funded) we were talking dinners and music, favourite memories and chats we have had some great laughs. Now she is saying the pressure on the chest and abdomen is past the point of being able to handle. No ability to eat or drink without vomiting and begging to have it end.

The question was put to us today, what’s the prognosis. My reply, days. She cried and asked for hours, minutes.
It hasn’t hit me yet what that really means, well I do know but the emotions haven’t caught up yet. She doesn’t want to live, she doesn’t wish to continue. Even though there are children and family, a husband and animals left to love. Yet she has run out of ability to live but not love.

I came home and put my pasta in the oven, watched Matt make a salad and patted the cat. Feed my ducks and cuddled the neighbours cat.

Now I sit here in the dark posting this to let you know your thought of. In the moments I’m low, I’ve had a bad day you the reader are here.

Thank you.
Continuing to live and love. Even people I have never meet.

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

I hope your patient does not suffer unnecessarily. I hope she has a good quality of life in what time remains.

Just as importantly, I hope you continue to take care of yourself. Weather permitting get to your mountain. And pasta comforts.

May I offer an experience I had some years ago?

Your post revived memories of something of a similar situation I experienced when I was newly sober and unemployable (name a more iconic duo!):

My cousin's wife, who at this time, in 2012, had exceeded her terminal cancer diagnosis timeline (she was in remission, temporarily), glibly told me to stop drinking pop at a family wedding.

Which, true. Pop bad.

But didn't ask about how I was, was I working, was I seeing anyone: just glib judgment.

She was certain about everything: God spared her life, she could "feel" powerlines in her gut, the refrigerator electromagnetic-something-something disrupted her cognitive abilities, and vegan/organic food is what saved her.

Maybe all of those were true.

I am of two minds:

1. I wanted her to recover and have a happy, long life.

2. She was a glib, sanctimonious Karen. My pop consumption was the least of her worries, as a few years later she'd die as bad of a death as one could care to imagine.

Again, I'm sorry she died, and died badly.

Still, she didn't have to say what she said. She chose it. And she was certain about everything.

I'm going to post in a moment about waking up choking last night due to sleep apnea or GERD. This experience gives me humility. This woman, my cousin's wife, had no humility. She had all the answers for everyone, and they failed her in the end. Badly.

All she had to do was nothing, and she didn't.

[snoringdog]

Now I sit here in the dark posting this to let you know you're thought of. In the moments I’m low, I’ve had a bad day, you the reader are here.

Yes we are. Yes we are.

Mental Fairy, your posts are so gripping.

We depressives contemplate such weighty things when not otherwise distracted by or engaged in the day-to-day, but you see them, face-to-face, on a monthly/weekly/daily basis. That's a very tough thing that you are doing. (I second Oak's encouragements to you).

I just finished "And Finally" by the neurosurgeon Henry Marsh, where he contemplates his own eventual end from metastatic prostate cancer. Not sure how I'll handle things when it comes down to it.

Best not to dwell, but leave it for another day...

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak

And she was certain about everything.... This woman, my cousin's wife, had no humility. She had all the answers for everyone....

How comfortable that must be. No doubts. Perfect assurance. Absolute knowledge. No doubts.

Boy, did I miss that train....

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Chilli morning here and rather lovely. I am at my desk at work and have a little bit to add to that response post from Oak and SD. It has left me with a lot to chew on. Restless sleep as yesterday unfolded an old blast from the past for me. Someone came into the clinic i have not seen for some time and there is a strong history.

I will update you soon.

Have a restful sleep or good day where ever you are.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Well it is lunchtime here and i should be chewing on something but i have forgotten my lunch. Lucky i am not really hungry. I have had a couple of restless nights as well as some very odd interactions. I literally have had my past walk back in my door.

Oak your cousins wife was an interesting read. I thank you for that. It is rather interesting how individuals react. I look at both my parents actions and laugh it off now. Mum was a smoker for years, gave up and then started again i don't know how many times. It is something i have never done for the very fact of the smell. It was always lingering behind her wherever she went. Makes me feel sick. I remember he standing in her kitchen puffing out the window as she takes drags on her cigarette and crying because she wants to live!

Then dad, wow, where do i start! He just turned back into a child/rebellious teenager in a 50+ year old body. Make me giggle to think i came from the two of them.

Yet, then there is me. Outlived it by miles, eat healthy, work out, sleep but not well. Live life in a way that has some limitations only placed by my own mind. But i am still here.

Well this week....my patient is still alive, i look every hour on our system and nothing to report other than wishing she could overdose.

I have now got a new case coming in tomorrow who i just spoke to. Age 46. Large mass in the uterus.

On Monday i was working away and i looked up to see a man walking up the stairs to the front door of my office. My heart stopped, i saw the shoulders at first and then his head come into frame. It was a very old friend who i had to cut off from my world after seven years of climbing and guiding with on weekends and for a solid year when i took a year off to climb exclusively. We travelled all over New Zealand to climbing walls, conferences and courses. Made a good team but i knew there was attraction from his side of things. This was when my marriage was in major trouble thanks to me running to the hills every change i could, maybe looking for answers, or to hide from my emotions. To feel fear and risk life.

He walked into my office looking older and worn out. I was stunned. His wife has had breast cancer five years ago. About the time i ended the friendship completely. She has been through surgery, treatment and regular checks. Then in March she felt a lump on her head. Yip, it was back. It has been removed and tested and the cells match her cancer she just got through five years ago.
He looked broken, i asked why he was at my desk, he hunted me down as i don't have social media. We live on the same street but he was to scared to knock on my door. He needed advice on what she needs to do prevention wise as she is not wanting to be a cancer patient. She wears hats or a wig and wants no attention. I talked to him about the chances of this going to bone and ovaries and we should look at removing everything from the gynecology prospective.

We talked, i gave him a hug and i sent him of his way with the new knowledge to try get her to the clinic for tests. She too doesn't have much fight left in her.

He left and i was shaking, on our parting of different ways all those years ago it was not pleasant as we were both married. I was not attracted to him at all nor was i interested in anything other than the hills and adventure. Both his legs are buggered now and no longer has the local mountain store that closed down before COVID. He is working but not using his brain.

He text me an hour or so after he left and it said ' I can't believe how lucky i was'. I was unsure how to take that. I replied i will help with his wife and care for her in my professional capacity. It shocks me how someone from your past can affect you just by simply walking back in.

Tuesday i was in the butcher store looking for something for Matt, we have a couple of butcher stores here and i know most of the staff and where they all work as Joe was a butcher for 15 years. I used to climb with his boss also.

This man was called The Rig. He is massive. https://www.stuff.co.nz/taranaki-daily-news/news/106354631/holding-out-for-a-hero-the-butcher-and-the-ice-ledge

Grant and i were climbing partners for over 15 years. He saved me more than once and i saved his backside just as much. He battles with alcohol addiction over the years i was climbing with him. We were a team who intrusted each other with their lives. He walked out of the back of the butchers store as he is know the manager. My knees buckled. I lost my ability to talk and became very taken back. We talked, he had a brief update on each others kids and carried on. He was the main reason my marriage stopped working. He was my life support at times. We have not spoken for years, we have not seen each other for years. I would of left Joe for him if Grant wasn't fighting alcohol issues.

In the matter of two days, my old life was put before me. Two of the most inspirational and amazing people who shared everything with me and i with them walked right back in and was gone again. There was six of us training on he hill back in the days and i was the only female on that hill willing to risk it. Maybe i was mad.

It occured to me yesterday we all had demons we were running from while climbing. We were free up there, it was just us and the risks, we all are damaged and we used that as a reason to get away from life, it could of gone so differently. I am lucky to not be married to a mountain goat of a man because one or both of us would of eventually fallen. Instead i just fell emotionally.

This week has been a window of time that allowed me to see back into the past that i clung onto when i was suffering so badly. I won't look back much more to those days as they are said and done. I will not spin those wheels but i do reflect on what was and was is.

But boy oh boy what i relief to still be here and alive.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow. An amazing post. Thank you for sharing this