Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Just checking in, hope you're OK.

Looks like the wind has died down, except for some up north.

The "Windy" site is cool, thanks. You can find weather and webcams around the world

https://www.windy.com/-Webcams/New-Zealand/New-Plymouth-District/Taranaki-volcano/webcams/1359669733?-39.283,160.884,5,m:cy3akQU

[Mental Fairy]

Good Morning Team

Has been a short and confusing week. Being that Monday was a holiday here to acknowledge the king/queens birthday weekend, it made our week somewhat testing as i needed to pack in five days worth of work into four.

Thank you SD for your concern. The wind reached 96km/h here and it was very difficult to find a place to sleep in the house where it didn't sound like a train was hitting the house. Being that we live in a brick home we don't get the noise as much as the rest of the homes on our street, however we are right in line of the mountain and the winds were coming from the south. That end of the house is where the bedrooms are upstairs. At some ungodly hour i got up and made a fort downstairs with the cat to try get some rest. We have ended up with trees that need to be removed now. There has been way to much damage done to them this season and the stress is showing. Dying off and being replanted so many times, they having given up on living. For two almost three days were waited for the winds to get back down to a comfortable 35km/h to be able to get outside and see the mess it left. I am wondering what is to come the rest of this winter season. I am acutely aware no season is the same anymore.

Last Friday was difficult end to the week, we have a new end of life case that this week i have had to guide through the stages of our testing, paperwork and referrals. I got her CT scan images yesterday afternoon and the mass is so complex in her pelvis its hard to tell where it stops and where it starts. We are awaiting the report from radiographer today i hope. With end of life or confirmed cancer cases they have the privilege of having me available 24/7 via phone or email. This patient has been somewhat different to deal with. No person is the same when told the news. She is currently grasping at straws until i can see this report and get her assessment done by a panel of specialists to move forward.

When i was looking at her scan yesterday i was taken back by the beauty of the human body from an imagedy point of view. I could roll my mouse button and look at her body building upwards slice by slice, at one stage i stopped and looking in orr of the spinal canal and the placement of her kidneys being pushing upon by this mass. At one point her pelvis looked like a smiling teddy bears face looking back at me with the spinal canal looking like it was blowing a kiss. I know this sounds mad but when you face these terrifying images we have to look for something to calm us and soften the blow of the true reality the picture paints.

This Sunday i am having brunch with my old work colleague from the mountain, she is battling parkinson's. I have not had a chance to sit and talk with her in years, even the little catch up we had on the mountain last weekend had to be cut short due to the deterioration of the weather. I am learning to go out more but only on my own terms!! She is partly deaf also so we have to sit outside otherwise she struggle to hear much.

Every night this week i have been fighting mental exhaustion. Torn to stay awake past 7:30pm each night. I think it was Tuesday night i was unable to stay up to eat dinner, i crawled into the bed and just crashed into the pillow.

I have set a time to catch up with my therapist on July 5th, 1pm. I have tried my hardest not to lean on him to much and battle things out myself. Having all of you here has been incredible support for me and i for you in return.

I got a call on my phone yesterday from a restricted number that i knew almost instantly who it was. NZ Police and Customs. I did some work for them when the borders closed and help put in place the border teams for hygiene and sterilization at each port around NZ. Because of my training in hygiene and sterilization in dental and medical, when i quit i took on the role of team leader for the maritime border teams. I didn't thing anything of it and just did what i needed to do during COVID. Well the call came and i have be asked to present on June 16th to collect an award for my public service and dedication to the country. I was unable to talk really when i got the call and didn't believe it at first. Then the formal e-mail came in and the penny dropped. I have to stand up in front of a lot of people and talk and do a speech. What did i do.....i declined. It falls on a day i have patients and i am sorry to say my patients come first. There is a huge part of me that finds getting an award silly. Even in school i never got awards. I faded into the background. Now as an adult and middle aged i still feel like that child. I just want to run and hide.

I am also chewing on what to do next after i finish up here in clinic. There is a job going at our local sleep clinic to help people with the conditions like Oak and Manual Moe have. I feel powerless to help you both and wish i knew how to ease your issues with sleep and the opportunity to learn would be great. But would it satisfy my itch i am trying to scratch in my early forties? Should i go and do my police entry like i have always wanted too while i still have a working body? Do i stay in medical or go back to dental. I feel at a crossroads currently and i am sure time will tell. I need to trust in my own self. Not an easy thing to do as i am sure you all understand.

Must get back to my work and get some paperwork done.

Take care all and will post again over the weekend and see if i can make it through Sunday without having a panic attack about going to a cafe!!!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, congratulations!

Well done on your award. Many people, starting with us here, appreciate you so very much.

On a more downer note, I encourage you to really examine what sleep center entail: though one can hardly believe it, I understand many female staff are regularly sexually harassed and propositioned. This is a daily occurrence, if what I heard is true.

Something to consider!

In the meantime, I hope you have a good holiday weekend!

[Mental Fairy]

My lord Oak!

The sexual properistitions i faced in dental were crazy, daily. It was madness. I learnt very fast to be on guard the moment the chair went down.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Well I want to get something off my chest.

Last night the neighbours all got together to have a catch up. We live in a rather interesting street.

The lady whom I don’t always tolerate well invited us over to see their new outdoor fire pit thing. I was home late after work and dashed inside to turn the oven on and heat up some leftovers from the night before. I had no intention on staying next door and wanted an excuse to leave. She had seen me come home and immediately messaged me to pop over. I don’t drink so I took nothing but myself and Matt as my wing man. I saw this new fire pit thing, it’s in the shape of a guitar. Very odd, as is the owners.

I was there maybe five minutes having a little chat and two more neighbours show up, one’s I’ve not have the honour of meeting as yet. They seemed nice people. Young and typically kiwi.
Joe pulls into the driveway and sees I am next door and he pops over. Matt and I leave to go have some dinner and leave Joe there to have a look and catchup.

Matt noticed Joe left his phone on the bench and I said I would pop over and ask him if he wants dinner at home or there. Knowing he had a 4am start today. I walk into the garden area and there sitting in a chair is this youngish neighbour who I don’t know well at all. We noticed however she has men on some kind of schedule visiting her if you get my drift….. she had her dog at her feet, golden lab called Rex. The group were talking about pets and Joe made a comment our cat is a people snob. She doesn’t like to go to anyone but us. The girl with the dog turns to me and says ‘well ya know what they say, owners are like their pets ah Gia’ . I almost lost it. Rage ran from my hands to my head and down to my feet. I excused myself and left.

Not once has anyone called me that ever. I like to keep to myself when I’m out and about, I don’t cope well in public and struggle with insecurity. Today for some reason I am angrily moving about, I did a massive run and feel like it wasn’t enough. I broke the garden broom handle trying to sort out leaves from the storm and have lack of sleep due to the neighbours party going on till late into the night. Today I have thought of a million comebacks I could have said but I’m not that person. How is it we can take a passing comment to heart like that and let it grow into something truly horrible to sit in.

I have been listening to an episode of family secrets podcast and one on particular for my attention this morning I had to listen to it four times. The women was telling me my own story in a way. I understood where she was coming from and the reasons she acts the way she does. I wanted to hug her. I will listen to it again and again to get the validation I’m not alone. It felt so good to hear it. Yet I really want to break the rest of the broom over this young women’s head!

Sorry that sounds horrible but I’m so angry someone can say such things. I will now get my bike kit on and head for the hills, it’s shaken me up a bit.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yup, I think I know this feeling, Mental Fairy

“Keep my name out of your mouth!”

“I don’t care enough to put in an act for you, so you are not to dare form an opinion about me”

Please take care, wishing you all the very best

[oak]

That was a terrible thing for her to say, and untrue.

I am sorry that happened, Mental Fairy. You deserve better.

Many of your neighbors are nuts.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you oak and MM.

I can say for sure now I will not attend ever again.
This afternoon I did my bike ride and I wasn’t feeling it. I went for a walk and ended up going to the cemetery where my mum, grampy, nana and twin is. There in the graveyard was a friend I’ve known for ages who was visiting family plot. The world is so small here!

I still feel angry and defensive.

I was walking this avo and thought of you all. I wish so much you could all visit.

[oak]

I can say for sure now I will not attend ever again.

That’s a sound decision.

And, regarding your family and family tree: you have quite the interesting crowd up and down said tree!

While some (many?) are best left behind (like some of your neighbors), when you have a moment sometime I’d enjoying hearing more about your family members who were especially good people, and who helped you. I especially like stories of people who were “best supporting actors”: who swooped in, at some difficult specific time, helped you, and then just as rapidly disappeared again.

Like a second cousin who gave you a much-needed ride home from a dicey situation in 2002, or a half-uncle who gave you $20 when you’d had no money and nothing to eat for almost a week.

[Mental Fairy]

Quick post
I’m at the cafe waiting for friend at 8:30am in 7degree celsius. I used my work email to make booking and the table reservation says this…

It’s the name of my work, healthy women Ltd