Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

P.s Oak
Thank you for reply, I will let you know my answers soon

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Very somber around the office today, our patient past away overnight. May she rest free of the pain of ovarian cancer.

Oak, back to your question about who in my family tree was my support? To be honest, none of them. Yes nana was amazing, a tower of strength and beauty. She taught me so much that i have only really taken on since she has passed. My gosh she was beautiful. My Grampy was my father figure what i am struggling to now understand that he had a double life and a child with another women. It is something i am struggling to get through and to hard to face head on currently.

Your question made me reflect and look at the "family tree". I can honestly hands on heart say not one of my family members has been of support or comfort for the right reasons, it has been purely for selfish reasons or for their own gratification, that "look at what i did for you, now i expect you to do something for me". And those things in return were not nice. The strength i needed came from places, Joe and Matt.

I was feeling a lot of guilt as i walked away from the cemetery the other day i felt jealous that i wasn't under the earth myself. I felt emotional and annoyed that i got lumped with the stuff to face head on. However, in some sad sick kind of way i am glad some of those members are not here to see me now. Because i think if they were i would be an alcoholic, or a far bigger mess.

What is left of me now is a rebuild, a productive mess that needs to try again each day to be better than the day before. To use the hurt and the experiences to help others.

I am unable to talk to my brother Aaron whom i am close too, due to the fact he hurts to much also. He won't talk about anything to do with family, it is a zone that is not to be discussed. Maybe one day i will try but so far he has made it clear there was nothing to talk about as the hurt is to large to feel.

If my mother or father was alive they would be adding to the stress, the frustration and the sadness. I would have to move away from them and wait for when the coast is clear so i can come back.

At the end of the day Oak, the people who support me and keep me strong is you, SD, MM, RG and beany. But most of all Matt and Joe, Mazie, Dee Uckie, and Heather Feather.

Family tree to me doesn't need to be blood, it needs to be acceptance.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I was composing a few thoughts on your previous posts about your neighbor, and this latest post appeared...

I'm sorry about your patient- that must be hard. You know the prognosis and trajectory of all these conditions and must see it unfold again and again. And to be engaged, and yet detached is an emotional tightrope I imagine.

But you have been, and are, a great help and support to all of your patients. That comes through in your posts.

I was feeling a lot of guilt as I walked away from the cemetery the other day

Guilt for what, may I ask? Doesn't sound reasonable from where I'm sitting

i felt jealous that i wasn't under the earth myself.

This feeling is not wholly foreign to me, fortunately not lately, and not very often..

I've been thinking about these lines the last few days.

Though we live in a world that dreams of ending...
That always seems about to give in...
Something that will not acknowledge conclusion
Insists that we forever Begin.

Everywhere we look, life is struggling upwards. Let's join in, shall we?

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh your post came at the right time.

Was trying to make some dinner and my brain just stopped. I know the emotions will come I'm just not sure when.

I opened her digital file and across the top said DECEASED. My heart just sunk and breath just felt pushed out. Managed to compartmentalise it and get through the day. Got home and feel that dam numb feeling. I know it will come out I just don’t know when. It’s like being a human equivalent of an emotional jack in the box. Something will wind me up and I’ll just pop with emotion.

I felt guilty at the cemetery because I’m still her, I felt jealous they aren’t. I walked down the road back to the bush like and to my car thinking about how I get to drive home and where are they? What’s on the other side, why can’t I just pop across and look and weigh up the options at times. Then I snap out of it when I see a bird, an animal of any kind or even a human helping another human out. It’s so rare now. Why do people not help each other much.

[oak]

I opened her digital file and across the top said DECEASED. My heart just sunk and breath just felt pushed out.

Mental Fairy, I am sorry your patient died.

There are no easy answers.

You can be proud that you and your colleagues did your best to mitigate her suffering and ease her transition.

Also, I am glad that you have (1) gotten mostly away from your mishegas family of origin and (2) created a family of your own. We accept and celebrate you.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you Oak

Today I’ve woken with a feeling of detachment. Currently processing emotions I think

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy

Then I snap out of it when I see a bird, an animal of any kind or even a human helping another human out. It’s so rare now. Why do people not help each other much.

Yes, there is comfort in taking in the natural world. (Says the city-slicker to the mountaineer. )

And people *do* help each other, it just doesn't make as big a splash.
Sites like "Go Fund Me" are recent channels for this desire to help.
I've donated anonymously several times when I've come across a story that moves me. It's a small way to push against the feeling of powerlessness and disconnection in this world.

And I like to think that small recognitions in the street even help. Just a quick smile and hello can lighten someone for an instant, no?

Managed to compartmentalize it and get through the day. Got home and feel that dam numb feeling. I know it will come out I just don’t know when.

Numbness seems like a workable default position while you're processing things, doesn't it? Your emotions are on hold, waiting to be managed

Today I’ve woken with a feeling of detachment. Currently processing emotions I think

You aren't alone in this, I'm sure. I'll bet you have a lot in common with first-responders. The need to stay focused and not overwhelmed is vital. But how and when to release the emotions? Has anyone figured out the formula?

-----------------------------
Maybe I'm in the minority, but poetry sometimes brings me comfort.
May this one be encouraging to you.
(She reads it beautifully, and it tugs at me).

SD

Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese"

https://youtu.be/lfayiBoaXE8

"You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

[snoringdog]

Here's another I just found that captures the sentiment..

"The Peace of Wild Things" - Wendall Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world and am free.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb-HgNzTylk
https://onbeing.org/poetry/the-peace-of-wild-things/

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Hope you're feeling a little better today.

Sorry to load you up with (maybe helpful?) links to look at, but hey...I guess I'm just a busybody of sorts...

I've found a number of articles on the Psychology Today site to be enlightening, Here's one on the covers acts of kindness, along with our inner critic -

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/202210/why-we-underestimate-our-effect-others

And country music isn't always at the top of my list, but this song raises me up, and brings me to tears at the same time.
(Dance? Not so good at it, but yes, I think I will.. )

"I Hope You Dance"

Lee Ann Womack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F44nrK0MxEQ

Gladys Knight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-goFIdcF2g

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you SD, your posts are so kind and thoughtful.

I am struggling today, i can't deny it.
I got up and had a good run, so i thought. The stats said otherwise. I got into ice bath and felt emotion come up but it stopped at the throat. It just didn't erupt.

On top of Lisa passing away, we lost a 20 week old yesterday. My boss really let rip with anger at the hospital for many reasons. I don't like raised voices and i don't cope well with that sort of mood from others. Today i sat inside my car for 20minutes outside work not wanting to go in.

Currently at my desk with a mountain of files beside me. Very close to teary. I have the flight feeling. Just run, don't look back feeling. I also have patients to care for and documents to write.

Library night tonight. Looking forward to that for once.

I am so grateful SD for your links, so very grateful.