Mindfulness

[Mental Fairy]

You’re the first person beany to breakdown the feelings of a panic attack. I have never really stopped in the moment to reflect on the ingredients of emotions that build up on top of each other or in conjunction with. Made me really think.
Thank you

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

[Beany Boo]

Felt like I crashed a bit this morning. I seem to be functional. Food helped.

It’s not the crash I was predicting yesterday. Just less hyperactive than I expect to be when waking up.

I did the feel-all-the-conflicting-overwhelming-feelings session again. It was less daunting today, slightly, letting myself modulate and switch when I’ve had enough of one or another, but also waiting for them to change without pushing. I don’t see a panic attack looming today. It’s a good exercise to set up the day emotionally though.

I think the thing that is foreboding for me, is doing something for myself that then works. Somehow that model evokes fear overreaction automatically. Underreacting to the fear is allowing me to slip through more times.

Today’s cognitive distortion, which I will try to combat, is ‘filtering out the positive’. I filter out the positive routinely. I’ll try to leave it in! If I can’t feel good feelings about positive moments, on this first time, I’ll just feel neutral ones.

[Beany Boo]

Today worked out again.

I did 2 hours of study in the afternoon which I’m not sure has ever happened. Make no mistake it was a gentle effort where I took my time. But I felt focused and functional when I stood up at the end.

I had some sneaky spikes of anxiety in the evening but I noticed them as such. They manifested as compelling/compulsive thoughts but unlike previously, this time they presented to me as somewhat odd and unnecessary and I just did nothing to encourage them.

I filtered in some positive stuff. It seemed very light and mild but that’s saying a lot, light and mild are rare. I’m surprised I recognized it, being so unfamiliar to light and mild.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beany

I agree with the softening of the inner dialogue. Something that i have chatted about with therapist. When overreaction or mood changes come into play it is about the assessing things at that given time, HALT.

With the meditation the already arriving knowing is so true, the fact you are doing this very act and sitting in it as you go then yes you already have done the hard part and you already know your living in your truth.

A meditation i did back in Jan set me off the jails, having to face my inner child was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. To follow up with it months later after really working with that inner child life and my responses to life made more sense to me. One thing noted this morning was making of lunches for the boys, i honestly can not leave the house at all until lunches are made. Why? I think it is because i never once had lunch made for me as a child, never had a lunchbox.

[Beany Boo]

The emotions are working this morning. I thought about work, or felt rather and then stopped when I’d had enough. I also felt a very childish feeling which I would normally suppress altogether. I only needed 10 seconds and it was out. I suspect though, come midafternoon, getting it out will have made a huge difference.

I thought at one point, ‘I have today until I enter that door to feel this feeling so, I’m going feel it as strongly as I can for the next 5 seconds’.

I’m going to approach today like the study yesterday; gently and nimbly. The objective is to get to the evening with fuel in the tank just to Be.

I feel like my natural urge is to practice humility; even as it gets me into trouble.

The cognitive fallacy to combat today, is ‘Shoulds’.

[Beany Boo]

Today worked out

I’m aware of periodic spikes. But I’m not gripped by them. I notice and let go.

I think the underreacting is becoming somewhat habitual. I’ve accepted that a relatively pleasant evening is more important than expending all my energy overreacting by 3pm. I can’t think of anything worth messing up my evenings for.

I don’t really know how this habit turns into a positive life change. I’m curious though.

[Beany Boo]

I was right about the childish feeling. There wasn’t a lot of change but the afternoon had a clarity.

I’m racing a bit now to soften more than underreact. The new lucidity means I feel free to do more and less. But I’m still not ‘driving the car’ at a steady pace.

Using the car analogy it feels like there’s a random turn in the road every 10 seconds. I’m still unfamiliar with this new eventuality.

I studied again last night for an hour with relative ease.

I’m thinking about stuff I always focus on. Its just not with the same circularity and intensity as normal. Normal…

The cognitive fallacy to combat today is ‘jumping to conclusions’.

[Beany Boo]

I felt strained today but maybe no more than these last few days.

There seems like there might be an achievement looming.

I don’t know if it’s something I will recognize. I think it might be a do nothing or let it happen one.

I actually think it might be a take care of someone, not me type achievement. One where I don’t really know how to go about it until I see it.

Where underreacting is vindicated.

[Beany Boo]

Crashing again this morning though again not in the way that hurts me psychologically. Just some regular exhaustion.

I am having a painful feeling at times but added to it is, not allowing myself more than a second to experience it. If I give myself 10-20 seconds to feel it then it is actually satisfying. I just have to interrupt the reflex to shut it down too quickly.

It doesn’t seem like a lot but it’s happening while the cognitive load is about 90% full. It’s hard but necessary to go slow and delicately.

I’m mindful of yesterday’s thought that I might be about to take care of someone, in the face of heavy resistance (including my own). I’ll try and sustain that mindful piece during the day.

Today’s cognitive fallacy is ‘always being right’.

1. All this ‘bad’ stuff happening to me, I am not right about any of it