Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Sorry MM,

I edited this because it was too mind bending even for me and then I saw you’d posted. My edit was a new message.

Suffice it to say.

Post 1

I feel like I took care of someone today while taking care of myself.

Post 2

I didn’t come out of it unscathed. It was confronting for me to be so vulnerable.

And this post

I’m still low key panicking I realize

I’m think I did something positive regardless

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, deep stuff, Beany

I am , myself, just experimenting with hand writing a little daily To-Do list, and working on the tasks of my little list, so that I have no more “zero days” — days where I get absolutely nothing done off my To-Do list

My interpersonal relations feel like wading through molasses, as usual

My relationship with my wife is particularly fraught

I shamble along…

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[Beany Boo]

I feel exposed this morning though not so much of the shame.

My gambit still seems to be working; maybe too well. Be careful what you wish for.

My intellect is not really up to the task I think.

‘Let go or be dragged’

I’m going to underreact as much as possible today and see if it lands me on a new shore.

I’m loathe to be optimistic, perhaps because I never really mean it. Perhaps I’ll mean it for today, since I’m tending to, and review.

I think the purpose of underreacting might be in order to feel communal feelings. I suspect I’m struggling with that.

So I’ll struggle gently

Today’s fallacy to combat is ‘mind reading’. I’ll stop imagining that everyone’s thinking about me and that all the thoughts imagined are to hinder me.

I’ll try and keep up the daily diary until I can’t or, something gives and my efforts seem rewarded.

[Beany Boo]

Today worked out

I found a quietly awesome technique; a CBT one I guess, online.

I feel less intense in general.

Everyone left me alone today it felt like. I seemed to go at my own pace. I forgot to expect something awful to happen.

Hopefully I’ve turned a corner. ‘A’ corner anyway.

[snoringdog]

And after that, the "B" corner.

Making progress!

[Beany Boo]

I definitely feel better this morning. Mentally that is; life still makes little sense and aging goes on.

The benefits of yesterday’s activity have carried over.

My general mood is ‘uncertainty’. I could go one way to frustration or I could go the the other way to contentment. I can’t jump to say, joy, but if I go to contentment I am at least a step closer. I just have to change my uncertainty thought a fraction.

And I’ll just accept all my feelings today; as they come. I am sort of aware that I’m butting up against ‘learned helplessness’ (loathe that phrase).

And I am going to be open to taking care of someone today, while taking care of myself. Holding space for example. I’m almost certain I’ll be bad at it. It’s just practice and exercise.

Today’s cognitive fallacy to combat is ‘blaming’. I’m going to ease off on finding people to blame for how I feel. That includes not blaming me.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well (the new title of my thread)

I continued learning some great CBT type techniques

I felt comfortably detached

At one point at the end of the day I sensed the hint of a conflict in a colleague’s voice. In my imagination I watched them petulantly throw a bag of crap across the boundary between us. I looked at them and then at the bag, picked up the bag and placed it gently and politely on their side of the boundary. Then I let go of the feeling I had about it.

In hindsight, I think what I heard was not disdain but despair. One day I’ll be able to catch that and provide support; with practice.

I had another moment during the day that surprised me. It occurred that I could think about a life I would genuinely want in the future, beyond the learned helplessness I’ve found myself in now. A life I didn’t have to constantly prove was not possible to achieve. A life that didn’t involve giving up an essential part of me to achieve. Hopefully I can go home at spend some time putting it in place.

I was more aware of the triggers today I think. I could swerve them a bit better which was like doing skateboard tricks.

It still feels daunting but like I'm risking just the right amount.

We’ll see

We’ll work it out

[Mental Fairy]

Super interesting, mentally controlled and a hint of visualisation. Big big fan of visualisation personally and rather powerful.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF