Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Today started well. Started with the normal grim feelings but I seem to accept them more easily.

I’ve begun completing a PTSD manual; as in a handbook for processing PTSD. I was skeptical going in but I’ve read the first chapter and completed an exercise and slightly shocked myself by the sudden, albeit small improvement.

I’ve also been completing an ‘emotional intelligence’ online course this week. Again I was surprised by how substantial it turned out to be.

The shock and surprise comes after having done a few exercises I then forget about it, only to interact some time later with someone in a way that feels more connected and curious than I’m used to. Someone I’ve barely spoken to practically shared their life story unprompted!

I find myself able to say to myself, ‘that’s enough’ or ‘I want more’, rather than overreaching or employing avoidance tactics.

.._..

Today’s cognitive fallacy to combat is the ‘fallacy of fairness’. Not everyone has the rules for what is fair that I do. I have to expect a certain amount of being crossed or rubbed the wrong way. It doesn’t mean my idea of fairness is wrong.

[Beany Boo]

Tired this morning.

Don’t have as many words.

Did some substantial work-related study yesterday and more PTSD study.

I’m less concerned about being productive than spending time not in the brain’s ‘default mode network’ (the rumination room). Study might be a good habit if it gets me into an attentional place more regularly. The one thing I know so far is I have to be delicate with it. If I go too hard, I’ll put it down and not pick it up again.

It’s focusing me in another way. I need to make time to study. Ignoring or deferring distractions doesn’t come easily. I’ve started to make certain decisions about stuff purely on the basis that it’s going to free up time.

I strongly feel there’s generally something I’m trying to avoid, without knowing what it is. I suspect it’s actually something good. I think there is trepidation because it feels too hard won, with everything I’ve gone through.

I’ll definitely respect that trepidation but be hopeful for what is on the other side of it.

.._..

Today’s cognitive fallacy is ‘emotional reasoning’. How I feel does not determine reality, it just filters it. If I feel sad, the world is just a place, not a sad place. It’s a place and also, I feel sad.

.._..

I seem to have shifted my thought from:

‘I don’t really know what I’m doing’

To

‘There’s a slim chance I’ll work it out’

That’s probably the right degree of (slight) shift

[Beany Boo]

It’s been a day of ‘there’s a slight chance I’ll work things out’

I did an hour of PTSD study today and 2 and bit hours of work-course-related study. I can’t wait to squeeze in some emotional intelligence course tomorrow. I’m realizing now that I wasn’t bad at study all those years. I was bad at structuring activities. A long period with plenty of time to practice, potter and ponder is new to me.

The PTSD stuff is hard and a relief all at the same time. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I’m going to keep trying.

I’m really enjoying riding my bike at the moment. I ride very casually. I’m enjoying the exquisite glide and teeter. Oh and the wind.

I’m think it’s maybe because I’m engaging my attention much more. I don’t love study but I’m loving the holiday it’s giving me from rumination and paranoia.

I’ll keep thinking: there’s a slim chance I’ll work things out

[Beany Boo]

I woke up feeling awful but decided not to deny it to myself. It paid off. I feel somewhat better now but without the strain of having tried to cram ‘awesome!’ in against my will.

It’s ‘There’s a slim chance I will work things out’ week

A day of underreacting today where the objective is to take care of myself in such a way that I end up taking care of someone else.

Or not; it’s just about forming better habits

Which also includes being fractionally more aware of PTSD triggers - pouncing-talkers, groups looking at me, stepping through doors into empty large public spaces…

.._..

Today’s cognitive fallacy is ‘catastrophizing’; jumping to the worst conclusion in every scenario. This takes a lot of energy I don’t have and is only really justified say once every five years. I’m going to fit some neutral, optimistic and best case scenarios in but with much less force and lower stakes.

[Beany Boo]

Today worked out

I feel a little blunted emotionally.

There were some triggering moments. Rather than being gripped I was harried by them though their affect didn’t linger too heavily.

I was less surprised by unfair treatment and it didn’t seem to cloud my progress so much.

There was one point where I was feeling weighed down and I thought, ‘I don’t know the cause or how to respond precisely. I’m just going to send good energy out until I get to a more certain point’. It worked. Because I didn’t stress the next moment was buoyed.

It feels a little bit dangerous to underreact today. Not life and death dangerous. More like something good might slip through and I won’t be ready.

The constant struggle is lessening slowly. There’s a slim chance I will work it out.

[Beany Boo]

I let myself feel the dark, needy feelings on the walk to the bus. It’s paid off. I don’t feel quite so gripped upon arrival at the office.

The objective today is to not be sucked dry; not by my own actions anyway. Honestly, if I knew I definitely wasn’t going to have to manage a panic attack today, I could really do just about anything. So that is my aim at least for a few weeks. And the purpose of underreacting.

I thought I might try to change a word in my thought, even though it’s only been a few days.

‘There’s a slim chance I might work things out’

Maybe, ‘There’s a slim chance I might work a thing out’

That’s slightly more focused and inside the locus of control.

[Beany Boo]

Today was okay

I toyed with being less afraid, more than just underreacting. It began happening at one point. It had never occurred to me to be other than afraid before.

I didn’t want to push it. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t want to get caught not being afraid?

It was, being less afraid and not trying to control a world where I am less afraid. Not expending that control-y energy is something I want, a lot.

It happened. I don’t need it to go anywhere. Landing an experience softly is new too.

[Beany Boo]

I was worried when waking up that I might be fully anxious. I was only exhausted and just a little. In fact I was kind of lucid in a new unfamiliar way, while rolling through the morning chores.

I think that ‘less afraid’ moment yesterday had a knock on effect this morning, that was more significant than anticipated.

I had 15 minutes before I had to leave the apartment, to sit and do some PTSD study. That unexpectedly kicked me up a gear as well.

This computed in my head: I get more done if I’m less perfectionist. More mess, more done? It’s a paradox but some of the thoughts uploading, I trust.

Today is going to be the softest, gentlest approach amidst an intensely, busy day. I’m going to rely on the busy to do the work and not invest so much of my unprotected self.

Today’s goal: let yourself be included, whatever that turns out to be

.._..

Today’s cognitive fallacy to combat: Always be right. I expend a heroic amount of effort trying to be right, even while I regularly sense I’m not. If I allow myself to be wrong, when it feels wrong, or the evidence shows it, my capacity for listening to others will probably increase.

[Beany Boo]

I learned a technique to do with making my self-talk voice smaller, quieter, at a slight distance and turned away from me. I think that might be what afforded me space to feel less afraid yesterday.

I tried it again this afternoon. It seems to have worked.

I did an ‘active listening’ survey; to see if I am a good listener. I’m not

I think today might be the best day in a long time in terms of my mood control (which isn’t saying much). I’m feeling something strongly. No panic though.

I caught myself multiple times across the day, saying in my head, in a gentle way(!) as though to child, ‘don’t be afraid’. A lot of the time I realize, I’m just afraid of what might happen next.

I remember the other night I was at the Japanese takeaway. The lady behind the counter asked entirely in Japanese if I would like chopsticks. Though I didn’t know all the words I knew what she was saying. I said, ‘daijobu desu’ (I’m okay). She was so delighted. It was a small thing but momentous.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up feeling awful but once I was up, the feeling eased. It was tiredness.

Did some PTSD study. I feel like doing it first thing gives me something to process during the rest of the day.

I feel under strain (as usual) but yesterday was another surprise good day. It seemed all I had to do was be less afraid. Less afraid but at opportune moments. Also in subtle ways I couldn’t have perceived before. I am grateful for the work I’m able to do of late.

I did some work-related study. It feels like a burden I would have dropped previously. Now I am just trying to read the limits of each session and do what I can. It feels strange to trust myself in this way.

The goal today: listen, learn to listen and enjoy listening

.._..

The cognitive fallacy to combat today is: ‘Always be right’ again. This one I struggle with so I could use the practice. If I am not always right, I am also not always wrong. I can trust myself to not know, find out, take pause, change my mind, ask questions. Always being right is being under siege which I have had enough of.