Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

Letting go of the people who are threatening to me went well. They’re threatening in my head while I’m alone at home. I have to manage something for them to avoid the danger they pose. I just kept saying, ‘they can manage it for themselves’. It’s such a hardwired habit but I definitely felt in a small way that I was giving the responsibility back to them and becoming lighter.

A discovery: Just sitting and pondering things with time to spare and without worry or resentment I realize, is my dream occupation; my idea of success.

There’s less efforting and anxieting this evening. I wanted to do my work-related study all evening. Working up to that over the next couple of weeks though, might be a better idea so that it turns into solid habit. It’s a good sign, that I want to devote more time to learning.

[Beany Boo]

Struggled to sleep but realised it was not actually from panic but back trouble; this time from sitting for too long studying. I think the panic that interrupts sleep often comes from sitting badly watching TV in the evening. The back trouble creates conditions for hyperventilating.

I felt kind of awful this morning until I realised that that is usually the case. That I am surprised today by the feeling is conspicuous. Also, I have somehow discovered that I am not only one suffering in this way. Anyway, I went ahead and felt awful but worried less about it. I remember from last week that it improves by mid-afternoon.

I have been pushing it of late so I am bound to feel a little awful. I want to continue pushing but in the meantime, work on reducing the awful feeling with better eating, sleeping and thinking. I’m already on that path. That said, I am probably not going to ever push it further than the current rate.

Obviously my toddler brain wants everything now and perfectly. I have to take that seriously. There’s an adult though who also has needs.

The goal today is: take the pressure off.

1. Nothing has to get done
2. People can take care of themselves
3. Whatever process of feeling I’m part of can continue and change

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

It did come good midafternoon.

I dared to be less afraid although I was always slightly on the lookout for entitled pouncing people and gang ambushes.

I don’t feel hyper-vigilant or -cautious right now. There’s an echo of needing to overreach. There’s something new though. I don’t want to waste time on that stuff. I want to set up the evening for myself.

I feel a little invisible but it’s not crushing or painful (as it usually is). It doesn’t feel like my own doing.

Bring on the evening.

[Beany Boo]

I did some leg and shoulder stretches just before bed - to relieve the back. I slept well but what’s new is, I got up alert and relatively anxiety free. So I’ll be doing that from now on. I feel like I’ve got a head start this morning.

I did some PTSD study exercises before leaving so that helped.

I’m of the opinion that I have quite a limited position in life so, there’s no point shooting for the stars, in fact that is probably counter-productive. I’m going to put all effort into shifting the dial a smidge today and that’ll be me done.

Otherwise the goal is to keep practicing to listen. That is still my ticket.

And just let life be unfair. And stop practicing meanness. And get to midafternoon.

[Mental Fairy]

Amen to that beany.

So pleased the stretching helped you. I’m a big big fan of stretching. It’s like you’re rolling out the tension you build up and even don’t know it’s there until afterwards.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

Vigorous trembling (therapeutic technique) is good too, and teeth chattering; natural animal response to danger.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

Midafternoon was great. I felt noticeably less gripped then at the same time yesterday.

Picked up some good self talk thoughts; eg. I bring blessing into the lives of others, wonderful things happen to me. Not true per se, but can shift the default mood a few degrees.

And this suggestion: 5 acts of kindness per day, just do them.

I’m focused now on making a good evening.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up OK this morning.

Did some PTSD study. It went even better this morning than previous mornings. I realized I’d been rushing it. I suspect that improvement is an effect of the studying.

The new self-talk ideas seem to be working. Advice I got was, why not default to optimistic? Let’s do it I guess.

I was humbled by my capacity to listen yesterday, not just to the words, but to peoples’ tone and body language. It’s not something I’ve been able to do before. Again, the study is working.

The goal today is to listen intently and bring in more techniques.

Also, I’m going to search for my five acts of kindness to do.

[manuel_moe_g]

If I could communicate something with my younger self, it would be "Be Sweet"

easier said than done, trying to "Be Sweet" (my youthful anger, my youthful testosterone, my youthful self-delusion, would all make it super hard to "Be Sweet" back then)

but enhancing my inner sweetness and letting it out, very rewarding now in this season of my life

[manuel_moe_g]

Your "5 acts of kindness per day", Beany, brought this to mind

As always, you <ROCK>, Beany!