Mindfulness

[snoringdog]

Hello Beany,

Strange to get angry about not knowing how to feel good.
I guess it takes practice.

Yes, that does seem strange, and I don't think I can fully relate, though I've been in situations where everyone else seems to be having fun, or is "in on the joke" but me.

But may I offer that you not over-think it. No one is judging you.

SD

[Beany Boo]

Thanks sd

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay

I nailed that odd response I had yesterday as it had evaporated by this morning (no dwelling). I noticed there was a feeling missing and was angry that I had missed out on it all these years. I’m reticent to name it just yet; I don’t know what to call it.

A scarf I thought I had lost returned to me this morning. It brought me an inch closer to the person who kept it safe for me.

I’m not sure about today. I’m optimistic but tempered with caution. I’m at risk of overdoing thing’s unnecessarily.

Goal: “I have time”.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

I seemed very focused just by what I was able to get through and how I was talking to people.

Not a lot of fixation or perseveration. I even managed to put together a plan for my new study assignment.

I was very aware of my limited capacity to feel and communicate. I didn’t push or shame myself for it. I just worked it at the level I was at.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay

Yesterday was fine. I was a little concerned by the unfamiliar tone of it, but it was negligible.

I’m going to try and pace today differently. I might also do a couple of plans for different things. All that the plans are for, at this stage, are knocking through procrastination a little more proficiently.

Acts of kindness are coming randomly, including towards myself. They’re definitely welcome but it would be good to get some deliberate ones to follow through, just to see better how they roll out.

One of the positives self talks I have is, ‘good things are looking for me’. I might take it easy today and just be on the look out for good things that I can let find me.

[Beany Boo]

Today has gone well.

I reached an important stage in my PTSD study. I feel sad for myself and nervous that a new healthier way of interacting will be unfamiliar.

It’s midafternoon. The slight change of pace I planned went deep. My parents didn’t really model or mirror deep emotions; or deem me capable. I think that’s where my anger came from the other day, and why I immediately backed my response. I was being protective of myself regardless of how others might perceive what they saw.

I’m not really wrestling with this stuff. It’s just bubbling up with the change of pace.

I am finding handy positive self talk that my subconscious can get ‘caught’ on. I think it’s activating a part of my brain I’m less familiar with.

I feel like taking the rest of the day off and taking it easy. There’s nothing stopping me. I probably deserve it.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up uncomfortably but came good as I started moving.

I feel like I’m smiling on the inside without it reaching the surface. Smile is maybe the wrong word. It’s not happy per se.

I’m probably going to be okay today even if I do struggle. I might end up working some part of it out though. I’m going to wing it.

I’m not going to see anyone else struggling. They hide it too well. I’ll just assume they are and that I’m either helping or making it more difficult.

It’s fairly safe to predict I’ll feel good by midafternoon and the evening will be enjoyable. I’m not going to worry too much about how the morning goes. I’ll just keep making decisions until midafternoon.

The goal today is to listen intently even if I’m probably doing an ordinary job at it.

[Mental Fairy]

Love how you can summarise a days progress and acknowledge your feelings from waking.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MF

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

The decisions kept coming until midafternoon just fine.

It’s tempting to feel optimistic about how things are going but there’s a fear someone might catch me thinking that way.

Nothing more is likely to happen today. I can definitely sense the cumulative effect of the PTSD study. My thoughts are comforting this evening.