Your thoughts on Xanax + alcohol, coffee, other stuff?

[troebia]

This has been my routine now for maybe the last five years:

Waking up without anxiety - Coffee, then a snack at around 11 with half a glass of wine or a beer to take the edge off, then lunch with another glass of wine. Anxiety will usually hit me in the afternoon or evening and I have a shot of whiskey. Evening snack with half a glass of wine or beer.

Waking up with anxiety - No coffee, 0.25-0.50 mg Xanax (alprazolam). If I get too drowsy I'll have that coffee. Probably a full glass of wine with the snack before noon, and with lunch. In the afternoon I'll wash down another Xanax with a shot of whiskey. If I get drowsy I'll make a strong coffee. Evening snack with extra wine or beer.

Writing this down I realize I'm slightly addicted to alcohol, or rather, without access to Xanax I'd be a raging alcoholic. I have bloodwork done yearly and I'll specifically ask the doctor if there are any results out of whack, but I just have some slightly elevated cholesterol. I don't "enjoy" that afternoon drink, but it definitely takes the edge off and it allows me be productive instead of just ruminating and obsessing. I've tried SSRIs four or five times, more than a month each time, but seem to be resistant to all and all I noticed was reduced creativity and apathy.

What are your experiences with Xanax plus other substances? Are there alternatives to Xanax that make you less drowsy? Alcohol is the "perfect" drug for me, since I don't get drowsy by one drink and it makes me loosen up. I worry a bit about the long-term effects though.

[oak]

Troebia, thanks for sharing. We are only as sick as our secrets.

It sounds like there are several things going on at once. One thing I notice, and I've done/do the same: using both stimulants (coffee) and depressants (alcohol and Xanax).

Some questions I might ask:

Do you ever drink in the morning?
What's the minimum number of drinks you have in a day?
What's your average number of drinks a week?
Do your hands ever shake?
Do you ever, without meaning to, go a few days/weeks/months without drinking?
How would you feel if someone offered you a million dollars to not drink for six weeks?
Do you see Xanax as a long term anxiety solution?

I ask all of those without judgment, especially since I did several of the above.

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh I just had a panic then, Troebia I misread your post and thought it was Oak, my heart stopped, i literally starting to panic thinking our Oak had gone back to the bottle, immediately asking myself what did we miss? How ? Why
Then I saw Oaks reply post and looked back and saw your name. Again I felt a heavy feeling in my chest as this is a struggle I watch with my Uncle who loves to mix alcohol with anticipation.

Personally yes I had done this once or twice many years ago but the pain it caused in the body wasn’t worth it. Alcohol and me are not friends.

I do take amitriptyline at night to try help my brain slow down and prevent nightmares and sleep walking. It is also great for nerve pain. Once upon a time I abused them years ago just to numb my emotions at night.

I’m not the best person for advice on alcohol, however I do know my way around meditation.

Can I ask when you were first put onto the meditation and why it was discussed and started?
Dose and frequency that was instructed and do you go outside of the recommended dose and frequency?

There is also the question of why that deep seated anxiety like feeling is there to begin with, what are the immediate thoughts that come to mind?

[troebia]

Thank you both for thoughtful words. I'll try to answer...IN CAPS

Do you ever drink in the morning?
YES
What's the minimum number of drinks you have in a day?
ONE
What's your average number of drinks a week?
I'D SAY TEN
Do your hands ever shake?
NO
Do you ever, without meaning to, go a few days/weeks/months without drinking?
NO WAY
How would you feel if someone offered you a million dollars to not drink for six weeks?
SURE I'D DO IT, BUT IF IT WERE FOR FOREVER I DON'T KNOW
Do you see Xanax as a long term anxiety solution?
IT ALREADY IS, FOR ME

Can I ask when you were first put onto the medication and why it was discussed and started?
MY GP STARTED GIVING THEM TO ME BECAUSE I COMPLAINED ABOUT PROBLEMS SLEEPING AND CONSTANT ANXIETY. HE ALSO SENT ME TO A PSYCHIATRIST BUT THEY ONLY GAVE ME SSRI:S WHICH DON'T WORK FOR ME, AND SOME VERY STRONG SEDATIVE THAT I FORGOT THE NAME OF BUT I ALMOST WENT OFF THE ROAD THE DAY AFTER TAKING IT AND IT ALSO PREVENTED ME FROM HAVING COHERENT THOUGHT SO I STOPPED.
Dose and frequency that was instructed and do you go outside of the recommended dose and frequency?
I STARTED OUT WITH 0.25MG XANAX ONCE DAILY, NOW IT'S 0.25 OR 0.50 TWICE A DAY. I'LL NEVER GO BEYOND 1.00MG BECAUSE IT'S OVERKILL FOR ME, AND I PREFER TO SAVE PILLS.

There is also the question of why that deep seated anxiety like feeling is there to begin with, what are the immediate thoughts that come to mind?
I THINK IT'S A COMBINATION OF HAVING BECOME OVERLY SENSITIVE AND ANXIOUS ABOUT DECISIONS, AND MINOR PTSD FROM STUFF THAT HAPPENED WHEN I WAS A CHILD. I ALSO HAVE SOME BODY DYSMORPHIA AND HAVE NEVER FELT "NORMAL". I CAN ALSO OBSESS ABOUT VERY TRIVIAL STUFF AND IT CAN DRIVE MY WIFE CRAZY THOUGH SHE'S LEARNT TO COPE, BLESS HER.

[Mental Fairy]

We must be related!! Minus the alcohol part!

Can I ask if your have been welcome to face the things that happened in your childhood?

[oak]

Troebia, hello and thank you for the insight.

Though you won't like anything I have to say, I'd rather err towards ugly truth than pretty lies.

Ten drinks a week is not terrible. I'm not sure if I'd call it wise, but it could be worse.

I'll offer you some thoughts to consider, that you're welcome to take or leave. Also, I give no judgment, though I think enough of you that I'll speak frankly.

Here's how I see it:

You have three choices.

1. Accept the current status quo*: own your apparent habituation to Xanax and above-average consumption of alcohol. People use alcohol and Xanax because they work. Millions of people live exactly like this, and do it for years and decades. If someone will judge them, it won't be me.

2. Xanax aside, see if you can drink what might be called "reasonably": go six weeks without drinking**. Getting drunk once or twice a year is what most "reasonable" people do. Going six weeks without alcohol should be no big deal, and will actually be a lot of fun. Re-evaluate your drinking after six weeks.

3. If you have a problem with drinking (which I am by no means convinced you do; only you know in your heart), then it is time to look at ways others have gotten sober.

And here are three methods:

1. Twelve step recovery model.
2. Non-twelve step (eg Rational Recovery).
3. Spontaneous recovery***/out of the blue.

If you know of other ways, go for it.

I make no judgements as to your dependency on alcohol, though I posit you are habituated to Xanax.

* This is a perfectly good way to live, and I do it in many ways myself.
** Remember that alcohol is the only drug whose withdrawal can kill a person. 100% talk to your doctor before tapering.
*** I mention this because it happened to me.

I hope you can consider these thoughts in the spirit in which they're offered: in a frank and not-unfriendly manner.

[Mental Fairy]

I absolutely agree with Oak on this one. I don’t believe you’re an alcoholic but I do see the attraction to mixing the two components for the feeling you get in return. Not something I would personally do ever again as an addictive personality don’t mix well with alcohol and medication.

At one stage a coworker said I reminded her of Nurse Jackie. I had no idea what she meant then I saw the tv series! Many many year ago. Never again.

[oak]

At one stage a coworker said I reminded her of Nurse Jackie. I had no idea what she meant then I saw the tv series! Many many year ago. Never again.

Mental Fairy, you might want to check out the New York Times/Serial (the world’s best newspaper and podcast, respectively) podcast, The Retrievals.

Basically, and I’m not spoiling anything, an IVF nurse replaced f*ntanyl with saline. No one believed the women. Even a doctor who told them, during the procedure, as it was happening, “This is saline”.

Well worth a listen.

[Mental Fairy]

How interesting!

[troebia]

Can I ask if your have been welcome to face the things that happened in your childhood?

MF, I'm afraid I don't understand your question. But if it is whether I've ever shared my feelings of trauma with someone, yes, with my wife and also with a couple of therapists. My wife thinks I should do some sort or psychoanalysis, a deep dive into the past, but at this point just the thought of it is exhausting. There are days when I accept and forgive, and there are other days when everything is a big lump inside. I think in the long run, that lump is slowly dissolving. Yes, sh*t happened. Will I ever forgive my bullies? Let's just say that today I would kill them humanely instead of torturing them to death. But I don't feel that those thoughts are always present or impairing me in any way, not after having had a family, children, some sort of satisfaction in my work, and now I accept the idea of fading away anytime from soon to not so soon. I try to look forward to what is left, and discover new land instead of returning to poisoned earth.

Though you won't like anything I have to say, I'd rather err towards ugly truth than pretty lies.

Yes, always sincerity please. I'm finding your words here very helpful.

go six weeks without drinking

I might actually do this. But I don't think any "method" or absoluteness would work for me. The thing is, I like to have wine with food and it's something very common here, culturally. What I think I'll try is to have only half a glass of wine (or a beer) with each meal and not any more drinks or extra glasses of wine. If I start to feel too anxious, I'll take a tiny dose of Xanax so I can reason, "now I've taken the pill and it will work".

At one stage a co-worker said I reminded her of Nurse Jackie. I had no idea what she meant then I saw the tv series! Many many year ago. Never again.

I've never tried oxies! Am I missing something?

[...] the New York Times/Serial (the world’s best newspaper and podcast, respectively) podcast, The Retrievals.
Basically, and I’m not spoiling anything, an IVF nurse replaced f*ntanyl with saline. No one believed the women. Even a doctor who told them, during the procedure, as it was happening, “This is saline”.

I listened to that and it was hair-raising. There was a case in the city here years ago, with an anaesthesiologist who first gave himself a shot with the epidural needle, and then to the women who were about to give birth. It was only discovered because he had hepatitis and infected many of these women...