Troebia's Diary

[oak]

Troebia, that sounds like a fine life. If it resonates with you, you should look into it.

[Mental Fairy]

The two people I had dinner with last night from Arizona have brought a camper and doing the van life here and loving it. Yet to decide on if they want to move here permanently or move to Europe. I adore this idea while health and mobility is on one’s side.

[troebia]

The two people I had dinner with last night from Arizona have brought a camper and doing the van life here and loving it. Yet to decide on if they want to move here permanently or move to Europe. I adore this idea while health and mobility is on one’s side.

I guess one thing is doing it as a holiday and then returning to one's actual, "real" home with all the commodities and services available. All-in permanent van life is a different beast. At best I may have twenty years more of being able to drive and do the maintenance day-to-day stuff in a camper van. And then what, where do I/we go on from there, with maybe chronic health issues or worse? The only accessible option outside of a tiny crummy city apartment would be a fixer-upper house in a mountain village, meaning hard physical work and ploughing the rest of whatever we'd have left into the reno. Wife says we made a mistake buying this rural house and should have gone for an apartment with a patio in a small town instead, heavily mortgaged but with a secure property that will only gain value.

...All this leading me lately to severely judge myself and weighing my personal options. I have progressed somewhat (meaning hard art practice and less brainless media consumption and masturbation), and at least I think I know in what direction I want to go creatively. I'll most probably never be able to sell much of my artwork or gain a minor name, but at least the personal satisfaction of not feeling ashamed of what I do makes me less depressed. Some other bullet points in my future plans include:

• Simplifying the vegetable garden and setting very low, manageable goals. Controlling the water consumption and resolving some concrete problems with pests, pollination, fertilization. In fall, there will be some extreme pruning and tilling.
• Getting out of the house with my wife at least twice a week for quality time together. My mother-in-law (who lives with us permanently) is like a wedge between us right now.
• Getting over the fact that I will need dentures within less than ten years, and probably also hearing aids. The gradual decay of the physical body is a sad thing, but at least today there are prosthetics available.

[troebia]

More bullet points for planned progress:

• Find inspiration from artists, living or dead, to be my "recovery buddies" whom I wish to emulate. Btw this could be positive or negative. Lately I have been seeing shows with works by Joaquín Sorolla (1863 - 1923), the "painter of light", who in fact had a rather dark side behind all those blinding reflections from the Mediterranean Sea. His last words were reportedly "Oh well, one idiot less in the world".
• Get the courage to write and draw a private diary with all my thoughts, fantasies, neurotic fears, desires and perversions. I'm talking really dark sh*t here, the kind that would probably be shown as evidence in court if I were to commit some heinous crime. Henry Darger et al, I salute you. My wife would probably divorce me on the spot if she ever found it when I'm still alive, or poison the memory of our relationship if she found it after I died.

[troebia]

I have been reading posts by you all here on the forum this last week without feeling able to add something positive, so I've not commented anything. Oak and Mental Fairy, for example, I am glad you both seem to be taking steps forward, or at least know the general direction to get better.

For myself, it feels like it's going backwards or downwards lately. Ruminating about what is going wrong and not finding peace. I am keeping a facade outwards, so that my wife and others don't worry too much. Alcohol keeps me going but I know I need to cut down. The Xanax only makes me drowsy and unproductive.

In a dream the other night, I was walking along a crowded beach and people came up to me. I think I was carrying things, like trying to sell stuff but nobody was interested. Some kids even began to tease me. I went on and on and couldn't stop even though I thought it all was ridiculous.

[oak]

Troebia, hi. Thanks for sharing. We are only as sick as our secrets.

I am of two minds:

1. I am sorry to hear you feel stuck, or moving backwards. Frankly, at our age staying static is a whole lot like falling behind.

2. Unlike a lot of people, you are willing to admit that you feel stuck: at least you aren’t wasting any time or energy on pretending that you aren’t stuck, or that your situation is someone else’s fault.

Keep posting, as much or as little as you feel moved. We’ll stand by you.

[troebia]

Thank you Oak, for being there.

Today I've taken a stumbling step forward and requested evaluations from a couple of dental clinics, for the "all-on-four" procedure with fixed full dentures. I'll keep you posted.

I have also looked for information regarding research into a definitive cure for tinnitus. It's still in its infancy but the path seems to be identified. If I'm still alive fifteen years from now, there will probably be some treatment available.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

I've had tinnitus for years now and have basically come to terms with it.
(It used to bother me a lot more.)

I have also looked for information regarding research into a definitive cure for tinnitus. It's still in its infancy but the path seems to be identified.

From what I've seen, there's nothing definite at the moment, but there are plenty of come-ons and scams. Relaxation and using masking sounds seem to be the only current remedies. (And aspirin and red wine and increased stress levels exacerbate it for me). What have you found?

One idea is that's it's a form of "phantom limb" where the brain tries to make up for a stimulus that's no longer there. Self-generated noise to take the place of the high frequencies that have been lost in the range. For a while some doctors were prescribing benzos as a relaxant, but the side effects outweighed the benefits, so maybe not done so much anymore.

What's worse for me is the hyperacusis that apparently comes with it, for some people. I always carry earplugs with me to blunt the high pitched and impulse noise so common these days.

Here's a link to the American Tinnitus Association, with notes and podcasts that might be of interest.

https://www.ata.org/about-tinnitus/conversations-in-tinnitus-podcasts/

[troebia]

From what I've seen, there's nothing definite at the moment, but there are plenty of come-ons and scams. Relaxation and using masking sounds seem to be the only current remedies. (And aspirin and red wine and increased stress levels exacerbate it for me). What have you found?

Hi snoringdog. Yes, an actual cure will at best only be available in 15-20 years. I'm aware of the scams, but if one looks for research on "stereocilia" that tends to filter out most of the nonsense since most scammers don't know that medical term, or don't use it because people will get confused. The recent progresses in AI is now speeding up advances in medicine on all fronts. I'm aware that tinnitus is not a lethal ailment on the level of cancer or malaria, and does not justify a lot of investment comparatively, but genetic and protein research often produces scattershot results that will produce benefits outside of what was intended. In short, we may get lucky.

I am progressively losing hearing with age, and with auditory "incidents" when I'm caught in loud noise before I have the chance to put in earplugs that I also always carry. Loud noises are painful but as I lose hearing it's become less of a problem. I haven't identified any special medication or food that makes my tinnitus worse. When I am generally anxious, I'll perceive the tinnitus as worse but it's probably purely psychological.

Edit 1: at the beginning of this year I was prescribed Flunarazine which supposedly helps with the circulation in the inner ear. I did notice that the sound frequency of the tinnitus lowered somewhat, but on the whole it didn't help much. One side effect of the medication is constipation, and I also gained five kilos in two months...so I gave it up. Right now I'm taking a gingko biloba extract as a daily pill, more as a prayer than anything else.

Thank you for the link, I'll check out the podcasts.

Edit 2: What a load of BS, pinning my hopes to some cure that may or may not come. It is what it is. Deal with it. Now comes the whole internal privilege parade, telling me I'm a fool to be constantly depressed and anxious about minor hearing troubles and teeth. Do I have a home, a spouse, food on the table and relative health, and also access to health care? Yeah, so why don't I just shut up until I get something to really worry about?

[troebia]

Where is that stoic me, that was holding out so well? I'm so glad for my 28 yo daughter who seems to be at that pinnacle of life that some are permitted to reach, when one picks and chooses between jobs, partners, travels. But I myself am filled with dread and I have dreams of escaping it all somehow.

Reading: The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday.

Watching: "How I learned to draw anything" https://youtu.be/bwWaQ2PJJlQ

Mood (as by Emile Cioran): "One cannot live without motives. I have no motives left, and I am living".