Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke up wretched but mentally steady.

I’m starting to separate my feelings from those of the people around me. I’m less concerned about burdening others. I like feeling however I am feeling (happy, sad, angry, scared), without it being altered, by every new eventuality. A continuous feeling uninterrupted and undeterred.

I’m going to practice empathy in a simple way today; just attempting a little more than usual to understand other people’s stories and the feelings attached.

I’m also going to ask them if they need anything.

I’m also, where possible, going to ask open questions. In particular where ‘diversity’ is in play.

I don’t know what will come of it all. I will find out.

One revelation: I can feel safe in every way and still feel emotionally unsafe.

[oak]

One revelation: I can feel safe in every way and still feel emotionally unsafe.

Very good. You’ve come a long way in 5-10 years.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak

[Beany Boo]

Woke up fine.

I had a moment where everything came rushing up looking for some measure of control from me. I saw what it was. I just thought, ‘let it rush’.

It passed and moments later I felt in control.

I also thought about things going well for me according to a sort of simplistic template. My mind accepted that.

I think if I focus on being present rather than positive I get there quicker and stay longer.

Today I am going to listen and feel like it is beneficial to me.

‘Do less’.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I didn’t really have to protect myself.

I was able to empathize with people. They can have quite dark emotions at work. It’s not too much to let them.

I’m focusing on quite a simple empathy task the whole time, but the consequences can be complicated. If I focus on the simple task I don’t have to manage the consequences.

Anyway it’s midafternoon. I seem to have landed it for another day.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up comfortably.

I’m going to start risking feeling good sometimes today. It seems like too much but I have to start sometime.

I’m already waiting for setbacks to queue up just saying that. But caution is smothering me. I feel like I can trust myself without feeling manipulated.

That said, there’s nothing to do. I’m just going to practice empathy today and go for my 5 acts of kindness.

[oak]

That said, there’s nothing to do. I’m just going to practice empathy today and go for my 5 acts of kindness.

To the extent you feel comfortable, feel free to share about your one or two favorite acts of kindness.

I always like little “slice of life”: they are what make life rich.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak

I’m surprised how difficult it is to recount the acts. If I pause to choose between the retell value of the story and grabbing the chance in the first place, the moment slips by.

What does come to mind is that saying Paul mentioned recently, ‘Don’t pray for justice, pray for mercy.’

I don’t know that I use it correctly but people are relentlessly seeking justice; as in punishing themselves or others in some way, certainly in their heads. If I sense I provide or even just suggest mercy, at the crucial moment, that’s a kind act. And I apply it to myself too when there’s an opportunity.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

I was doing difficult tasks which felt easy.

The empathy is really working even though I’m probably working at a base level.

Pacing myself is working too.

If I do less I fit more in.

I feel confident today, though without anything to apply it to.

It’s midafternoon. There’s just breathing to do now until bedtime.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up well which was a surprise.

I seem to have an appetite for more chaos. I don’t welcome it as such but, I also don’t need to control everything so much, to get the part I need, working.

I’ll often imagine someone’s actions adversely affecting my wellbeing; I feel a pained loss of control as a result. Then I’ll say, ‘let them act that way’. I’ll feel the feeling for a moment (fear usually). Once it passes the lost control returns. It’s the fear of having to exert control over others that causes that initial panic. If I only have to worry about myself, it is manageable.

My PTSD study continues to yield improvements. I am having moments of deeper connection with people. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what that looked like until it actually happened. I guess it looks like a greater level of chaos, but one for which I have an appetite. Deeper connections give me a clarity to plot a sort of join-the-dots path through the chaos.

Anyway, I am going to let my self-talk be gentler, sadder and more uncertain today, but more like my own adult voice (and less like child-me or giant childhood versions of my parents’).

And practice 20-45% hopefulness.