Troebia's Diary

[oak]

Troebia, hi.

Thank you for sharing.

I’m too tired/sad to give your posts a proper reply, but I wanted to let you know that I am glad you are courageously facing your difficulties.

Keep us posted!

[troebia]

Hi Oak, thank you. I'm not really expecting comments on my rants, but it's nice to know that anyone can read them

I've been drawing and painting a lot lately.

IMG_20230820_154855.jpg (85.07 KiB) Viewed 214667 times

I'm using mainly stills from YouTube videos, and I'll spend long hours doing and redoing sketches. It actually alleviates my anxiety, as opposed to the stunting effect of binge watching some TV show that isn't really that good anyway, or even masturbation which I used to consider the go-to for instant relief.

I'm researching alternative and underground comics for inspiration on a theme for my "X journal". I've always been a fan of Robert Crumb and Daniel Clowes, for example, and I realise that it's really hard to be perverted with style. My goal isn't to become a successful comics creator, but to be able to express all my deepest weird stuff in a coherent way. Maybe even in such a way that I could show it publicly some day without any major cringe: "Dad wtf is this??" My traumas, hangups and deviations would be poured into storylines and graphic layouts.

Another quote by my dear Emile Cioran:
“What’s wrong—what’s the matter with you?” Nothing, nothing’s the matter, I’ve merely taken a leap outside my fate, and now I don’t know where to turn, what to run for…"

[oak]

Troebia, thank you for sharing! Your art makes my day better.

Some thoughts, and a tangent about R. Crumb/Harvey Pekar, if you'll forgive me rambling.

A thought I have about perversion

I think the question isn't how to be perverted with style, but: how to be true, and the truth is sometime perverted.

No one is really interested in perversion for its titillation; what could be more boring? But people can immediately see, and identify with, what is true.

They automatically forgive, fully, any perversion, so long as it rings true.

As I suggest below, sometimes the unflattering is the most beautiful.

A digression, if you'll indulge me

Let me start with a truth, immediately followed by an illuminating half-truth:

If you like R. Crumb, I encourage you to check out his frequent collaborator Harvey Pekar (true).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Pekar

Harvey Pekar is from my hometown of Cleveland (half-truth).

I say "half-truth" because I grew up in the suburbs and went to Kent State (a pretty university an hour from Cleveland). (And note how I define myself, below, both geographically and by SES [socio-economic status, and note that I use a dog whistle to talk about class] from Mr. Pekar.)

Our good brother Harvey Pekar lived and worked in Cleveland itself, which is pretty gritty, and his job was a bit down at the heel.

Mr. Pekar often (accurately) portrayed himself in an unflattering, but true, manner.

People resonate with him and his art because it is real.

What I'm trying to get at

Mr. Pekar's life touched on many topics that we all think about, but rarely say out loud: social class, economic precarity, race, religion, immigration, meaningless work, sickness, and death.

To be frank, I would not have spent much time with Mr. Pekar, due to SES, and this is wholly my loss.

Maybe that is what art does: society alienates us from one another, and art breaks these barriers down.

So, be perverse in your art if it comes from the perverse part of your heart; people will immediately recognize and appreciate what is true. Sometimes the (ostensibly) ugly is the most beautiful, as demonstrated by Harvey Pekar.

[troebia]

Oak, thank you so much for your thoughts.

I love Harvey Pekar and the comic book series! And the film about him, American Splendor (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APpxQm7sH5k) is practically a cult reel. He's just the kind of tragic anti-hero I would like to emulate, maybe not in style but in spirit. In many ways, like him I'm also looking at life as from below and I have stupid, banale issues that everybody else seem to have figured out long ago. But somewhere in there, I hope there's something worth to express. My dreams every night now tell me I'm on a deep dive.

[troebia]

I have decided to return to therapy. I've looked up a male professional in the big city that looks 50ish in the profile, and wrote a message in his website form explaining some of my situation. It feels different from last time since I'm not ruling out making drastic life changes. Heck, I'd even try SSRIs again.

Mood:
F*ck this house and garden that only creates chores.
F*ck my mother-in-law.
F*ck certain attitudes my wife has.
F*ck my obsessions and my tinnitus.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

I have decided to return to therapy.

Wishing you the best. It certainly can't hurt.

F*ck my mother-in-law.

Although not really the same, my sister-in-law has been coming to visit every summer for the last six or seven years, and it drives me up the wall. She's not a very pleasant house guest nor a good conversationalist. To me, she's just a heavy presence around the house, and escape is difficult. And she doesn't bring out the best in my wife either.

(To be fair though, she's not 'evil', but an emotionally stunted and damaged person. Fed herself on right-wing angertainment for too long, for whatever reason. She's not disadvantaged in reality, nothing really to complain about.)

F*ck my obsessions and my tinnitus.

I've come to realize that I have obsessive tendencies, and that can make the tinnitus more of a burden. If you can lessen that, the tinnitus may be less annoying.

Tinnitus has been discussed a bit on the board....for your amusement, here's one of my contributions -

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

They call it "Ringing"
As if of Bells.....

- Joyless Celebration -
- Boring Choir -
- Monotonous Melody -
- Tiny Shrieking -

"........eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........"

[troebia]

F*ck my mother-in-law.

To me, she's just a heavy presence around the house, and escape is difficult. And she doesn't bring out the best in my wife either.

My feelings exactly. To make things more awkward, she sleeps and spends most of the day on a couch in the open plan living room, from which she can see everything. There is a guest bedroom right by, with a perfectly nice bed she won't use due to "back problems".

....for your amusement, here's one of my contributions -

I am not very amused but it certainly is nice to know that it's possible to tackle this our condition in a less agonising way.

[oak]

Troebia, hi! Thank you for posting.

I’m happy you’re open to therapy again. Like the princess kissing frogs, most are either bad counselors or not a good fit. IME, 1 in 10 counselors is acceptable, and those that are good are often extraordinary. So a big gap, in other words: most are terrible while a very few are gems.

Also, tinnitus is a very real deal.

Keep us posted!

[Mental Fairy]

So pleased you’re going to try therapy again, different person, different angles and hopefully a better outcome.

I actually don’t think I could have faced therapy without the support of the forum. Oak once sent me a song I listened to prior to going into the therapist office. I will never forget that day.

[troebia]

, different person, different angles

In fact yes, and I'm not the same person now either. I'm coming apart at the seams and I can't share everything with my partner. She is understanding about my tinnitus etc but she has no idea what it's like when it's at its worst. And then there are brief moments of almost silence which I'd like to last forever.