Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

but how's she going to manage?

Well then, I guess she isn't...

So the hospital says "Sorry, but Dr. X isn't practicing anymore"?

Hmm...

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

She was removed from the public hospital years ago. She only had a contract to operate out of southern cross private hospital. She was there for two days a week, now she is down to limited lists and a limited amount of referrals from GPS.

Now that my replacement is gone she is effectively stuffed. I heard from Judy and her husband last night, she was my replacement. The husband is going into the clinic to talk to the doctor and confront her about her racism and putting down of others. Apparently this has happened before, where a partner goes in to confront her. Karma has come.

Starting to get very nervous about going back to dentistry. I trained for that role for years, the study the consistent upskilling. Yet I still feel nervous.

It’s Friday morning 5:52am. I’ve been up since 4am worried about my new path I’m going down. It’s a massive full moon outside. Maybe that’s why the mood is all weird.
Today will be a quick trip into town to get Matt’s cologne for his birthday, meeting with cousin at the local park cafe at 10:30 and then make my way home to tackle the endless washing pile.

[snoringdog]

She was removed from the public hospital years ago.

I wouldn't think they'd do something like that lightly.
Hate to say it, but it's probably better that she's out, at least for a decent interval. Maybe she'll get her sh!t together.

Starting to get very nervous about going back to dentistry. I trained for that role for years, the study the consistent upskilling. Yet I still feel nervous.

When the nerves act up, remember to breathe

A few thoughts-

At the very least you'll be working with more normal and pleasant people.

The mental and emotional stress on you should be greatly lessened.

And there may be more of a routine in terms of what you see day-to-day, and the treatments.

So what do your husband and son think of all the recent mishegoss?

SD

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing. I hope your weekend is going well.

And, were I to be honest, I’m a bit put off by the introduction of “Breath”, specifically that certain breathing can cure cancer. That is a big red flag for me, as such claims are almost always pseudoscience, but I am keeping an open mind. I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

I say I am wary of such cancer claims because while I am not a scientist, I can read journal articles, and live by evidence-based science, specifically NIH PubMed. I see Nestor has many footnotes, so as promised I’ll complete reading the book, but I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I wasn’t honest about my concerns.

I hope you do not take offense at my frankness.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

No offence at all, I skipped over that part. Was more interested in the investing into breath work itself. Hence why book discussions are do interesting.

Work will be a bit different for me yes, more so as it’s my actual profession on a university level. The role I was in was meant to be for a break but as we all know it was hell on earth for nearly 2 and a half years! Never again !

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Today Matt turned 19. We spent the morning (6am) making our way to floatation sanctuary. We each had a pod and I have to say it was the most unusual experience yet.

Fight flight freeze response is something i struggle with. After a lengthy talk about what was to come we strip, right down to nothing. Thankfully in our own rooms. I have an issue with nakedness that is a whole different kettle of fish!

Anywho, there I was standing there after a shower post sauna. The pod was filling with a very dense salty water. Once in and ready into position you just float. And I mean really float. Head supported by water, ear plugs in. Music played underwater for the first 10min of a 90min float. The lights shut off and the lid lowered. What can I say, I was on space. I was weightless, warm, on edge. Every muscle in my legs was ready to run. How mad is that. I tried so hard to relax, shit i meditate daily so this should be easy. It was not. Eventually I went into a state of maybe sleep? Maybe theta brain? Not sure but I was gone. I was walking around a garden, not just any garden but my grandparents garden, I could see the rows of peas and beans. I went into the house. No one way home, just me.

If you so much as wiggle a toe or hand your body started to move like a ping pong ball. Stillness was very confronting.

The music eventually came back, the low lights came on and life was back. I was covered in salt crystals and shocked at the true nature of how stress can affect the brain body state.

Would I do it again, absolutely. Confronting as it is, you’re left with nothing but yourself and breath.

Beautiful

[oak]

I’m glad it was a powerful experience, Mental Fairy, and I hope you get a chance to do it again. Perhaps you can plan for over the holidays?

Also, it seems to me that you have an affinity for water. The ice baths, especially. And I think, more generally, the power of salt is under appreciated.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team Mental

I’m down to my last day off, my team have checked in and all systems are go. Back to drill and fill, brush and clean.

Mindset is not where I would like it. I’ve been really leaning into my yoga as support. My running since the race has turned to absolute s*#t. By far the worst it’s been for a very very very long time. Why, I have absolutely no idea. My confidence has dropped to zero. Finding leaving the house to venture out is difficult after 9am. The thought of bumping into people or seeing people grinds my gears.

It’s beginning to rain (yay)

My dear friend Donya is off on the Cancer highway to Palmeston North, this location is about 3 hour drive from here. I’ve spent my day making a hamper for her, it’s got everything she needs from comfortable pjs, slippers, toiletries, scented smelly stuff, books and treats. I kind of got carried away.

Our road is still closed so getting in and out is a nightmare. Sewer systems are complex apparently!

The thread on family insist got to me a little, I guess because my brother being the person who assaulted me through the years, does that make it insist because I was to scared or weak to fight back? Or do both parties need to give consent? Sorry but it’s a topic that terrifies and sickens me sorry. I see my step dad was a lot that way.

Oh and Joes uncle is coming out of life in prison in six months. Once the papers get hold of this it’s going to go like wildfire.

[oak]

My running since the race has turned to absolute s*#t. By far the worst it’s been for a very very very long time. Why, I have absolutely no idea.

Here is my guess:

Your muse, running, has left you. At least temporarily.

Muses come and go, on their own timetable. They are ephemeral and ethereal.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muse_(source_of_inspiration)

There is a muse for art (like Troebia), another for romantic like (like me), and there is a muse for sport, which is you and running.

Chaining or caging a muse is like trying to hold onto the seasons or the tide. Like sunshine, water, or air the more we try to hold onto something the more it slips through our fingers. If we hold our hand open it can return to us, or it can create space for something else, something new.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak

Yes, your very right.

I got up this morning after an intense night of dreams. One I recall as if it was five minutes ago. I was watching a harbour area with docks on either side, between the docks a massive LPG tanker or possibly a cargo type ship with pipes on it, it was going down. It sank right before my eyes. I wasn’t shocked, I just watched it and felt some relief.

Then suddenly I’m on a boat myself, it was a very beautiful boat, one made for elaborate purposes. However, there was nothing on it. No seats, no tables, absolutely nothing. I was standing on it and immediately it was beginning to go down, I felt it under my feet. In my mind I was thinking of all the tips to save myself. I didn’t need to so I found out. I went down with the boat and as I was looking down through this incredibly clear water I watched it go further and further away. I was going up, I was looking up and could see the surface but I was running out of air. My lungs were burning, screaming and mind racing. I looked down wanting to know the name of the boat but it was fading away. It was a white boat with no colour at all. I was reaching for the surface and somehow I know I was going to be ok. I never reached the surface as I woke up. I must of been holding my breath as I was gasping for air.

This image of the boat fading away has imprinted into my mind all day. I got up and put my running kit on, I went for the door and ran a better run today. Cut four minutes off. With the road works I have been stuck really and don’t like to use the car. Needing cat tests and some ingredients for dinner I got on my bike and made the 17km ride to Merrilands Supermarket, all the way over the other side of the city. I was cursing the head wind. On the way back a feeling washed over me, happiness. For a brief moment I just smiled like some child riding without training wheels. Endorphins are amazing things. I felt like me again. I got home and gave some cookies to the working men outside and thanked them for the work. Went inside and collapsed onto the seat. It exhausted, it’s only Tuesday!

Tomorrow is my first day back on the tools, back in the mouth and back to the future. Sadly I will say I do miss the sound of the drill.

The rollers digger thingys the worker men are using have those track things on them, I keep closing my eyes and wondering if this is the sound the tanks made during war. It’s terrible but I love history and to have an idea of what the sounds would have been like gives me chills.

It’s amazing how movement and working out makes one feel. Both the boys are going back to the gym again. Here is hoping it doesn’t end up like it did last time with people shaming my husband for being a big guy. He had a doctors check the other day and he needs to drop 10kg, 15 kg max. I want to help him but he won’t let me! Matt is his wingman.

On my bike ride back home I look the more hilly way as I knew my son was working on a job site that direction, he also wanted a cold drink. I got to a stop go person who waved out and said “Hi are you Matt’s mum?” I gave her a wave, she has a bunch of flowers sticking out the top of a road cone, they looked lovely on such a grey wet day! We had a brief chat and I went onto site to find Matt. I unpacked my bag of goodies and handed him a couple of drinks. He leant forward and I gave him a hug. For a moment I felt old yet young. There I am 42 years old, wearing my biking getup with a bag on my back full of groceries. The lady with the stop go sign was clearly a lovely person who showed love with flowers in a Road cone! So as I peddle away singing “ on the road again!” Matt would have been mortified! I went home and gave the worker men some cookies and said thank you, even though they have made me frustrated with noise, lack of water supply and endless man talk with lots of swear words, they still need to be told thank you.

So that’s my day almost done. I feel the darkness lift a bit in my head zone. Maybe because the weather is dark!

Work tomorrow whoop!!!