Mind Body and Trauma

[oak]

1. I hope your first day went well!

Dental care is so important.

2. Please tell your husband I wish him well at the gym, and that he should remember Goldilocks: just like she kept trying porridge, he should keep trying different exercises/classes until he finds his niche.

I keep closing my eyes and wondering if this is the sound the tanks made during war. It’s terrible but I love history and to have an idea of what the sounds would have been like gives me chills.

3. Speaking of war stories, if you'll indulge me (TW for suicidal ideation):

My father's uncle, my great uncle, was a smart cookie: he was a professor of German at a major university, and lived a long and meaningful life.

But before that he was an ordinary drafted soldier, serving as a military policeman during the Battle of the Bulge (a bad place to be).

One night, after experiencing so much trauma and misery and cold, seeing his friends die, he swung his carbine (a short rifle) under his chin, ready to pull the trigger and end his life.

Just that moment, a memory came back, from just a few years earlier. A middling high school athlete in a podunk town (think the movie "Hoosiers") they had just defeated their rivals in a basketball game. One of the jubilant townspeople, observing this unexpected athletic outcome, happily congratulated my great uncle, clapping him appreciatively on the back.

Just like that my great uncle wanted to live and set his rifle down.

How telling that human connection, praise, and touch saved a life.

[Mental Fairy]

Hello Team

First day under my belt. I have to say it was more than strange. I felt like i travelled back in time and stepped into my old life before I left. All my handwritten instructions and information is still around the surgery’s rooms. Stock information all hand written by me. Patients walking in and gasping when they saw me. A couple even rung the clinic as they saw the information in the mid week newsletters that I was back into the clinic. When I answered the phone they gave me a welcome back.

What I am finding however is the ghosts of the past, I walk around this clinic and I can hear the conversations once had in those rooms. I can see the memories playing out in my head. There is such a deep sadness that two of my 11 work mates have since passed on. There is a few moments I have had to catch myself and say it is ok. Grief almost. This place impacted my life in ways, I worked there for over a decade, now to be back is rather an adjustment.

We had a couple of prisoners yesterday come in, some workers off the ships who haven’t seen home in over 8 months. So many people in one day that I just wanted to admire for their strength. My fellow dentist is lovely. We could have talked for hours, I have such respect for his work.

I came home and fell into bed. Exhausted and in mixed emotions. I dreamt of my twin for the first time in a long time. I felt somewhat rested on waking. I am so glad to not be in oncology now. My dear friend Donya who is battling this breast cancer now needs more surgery, I am relieved I don’t have access to the oncologist portal information. It’s better to not know some stuff in order to help support her. In my old job I could see absolutely everything the specialists were saying, planning and analysing. Now I can’t see all he stuff I feel better for it.

Must get ready for day 2. Thank you for being here.

[Mental Fairy]

Today is day 4 of work, Saturday. I work 12 hour shifts four days a week for now.

This week has been a consistent checking in with myself at least once every couple of hours to see how I’m feeling. My appointment book to full and people are being very kind when they see I’m back. A patient walked in and wrapped their arms around me with a very welcoming hug. This patient I have worked on for nearly 10 years. Then three years I’ve been away and walk back into my old work life. Minus many negatives.

It has been a challenge as I’m aware of my constant negative self talk. It seems to chatter away in the background and I need to prove it wrong. We had a new 3D OPG machine installed so I can do great scans of my head in its totality. Scanner goes in four weeks from now so I can scan jaws and send imaging to our other sister clinic in Auckland so we can milk mouth appliances for patients.

I am finding I get home and collapse into bed and fall to sleep, waking up is easy and the running is starting to improve. Yoga in back in the mix.

One thing I noted yesterday is the fear, the fear of being talked to like my old boss did. The Russian lady. I honestly feel on edge all the time and her voice has stuck into my mindset a bit. I didn’t realise how much she effected me until I left. She is evil. My negative thoughts and self doubt is all there partly because of her. I hate this. It is something I am going to have to process I guess? I feel like I came out of a bad abusive relationship.

Better get my helmet on and peddle into work.

Hugs

[Mental Fairy]

The night terrors are back, sleep walking, the full works. Been getting up and tapping on windows, having to hide keys again.
Last night the night terrors were horrendous.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties during evening sleep. Trying to send you some peace and rest over the Internet wires. Please take care

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you my friend, it was actually terrifying. Especially for Joe. First night I escaped, second night I was insisting someone was knocking on windows that were not there, a massive dog looking in, and to top it off while sleep walking and Joe trying to not scare me he could see I was looking for the keys to get out. So my brain must know they were hidden and frustration set in. I was lead back to bed but tried two more times.

It’s incredibly frightening when I wake and I still feel the fear and emotions of it all. I can still hear the knocks but they were knocks on old thin glass windows not metal thick glazed ones. I can still see the dog I was talking about to Joe just don’t remember the conversation. There is is vail of unconsciousness.

See what tonight brings

[oak]

I hope things get better soon, Mental Fairy. Keep us posted.

[Mental Fairy]

Teary day today. Very tired and grief for some reason has raised its head. Very frustrating

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I hope you get some rest the next couple of nights. Lack of sleep and being tired can make one more emotional.... I've seen that with myself.

Is there any pattern to the sleepwalking / night terrors?
I thought that maybe leaving your recent position would relieve some of the stress you've been under (although a new job certainly brings it's own!).

Maybe the 12-hour shifts are a new stressor that you're having trouble with?

Wish there was something more to suggest...

SD

[Mental Fairy]

After some time with my friend Donya we nailed it down to this uncle coming out of prison. Parole date is looming. Crossing fingers he doesn’t get out.