Mind Body and Trauma

[snoringdog]

It's so good that you have a friend you can suss this stuff out with.
Hoping he doesn't get out as well..

[Mental Fairy]

The power of a person.

My old boss contacted me today, immediately my heart raced, I felt sick, my head began to spin and my body just stopped working properly.

I blocked her immediately and ignored the correspondence.

Never again will I allow someone to treat me like that.

[Mental Fairy]

Woken from broken night of sleep. I am enjoying being back at dental. It’s been welcoming and lovely to work with a good team. Tomorrow and Saturday I’ll be teaching staff.

The residual feeling of my last job seems to stuck like mental Pooh to a toilet bowel you can’t flush.
I keep having little panic moments, feeling of anger and frustration at that women I worked with. She has gone through three people since I left. That says a lot.

I just feel like crawling into a hole and hiding away. I feel very low below the surface.

[oak]

Tomorrow and Saturday I’ll be teaching staff.

Wonderful! You have everything it takes to be an excellent instructor and mentor.

Let us know how it goes.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team
Oak I hope your break serves you well.

I myself have been in a limbo land of sorts, transition I guess you would say. The difference in leaving my job and my new role is completely opposite to each other. Very grateful to be back in the world of teeth.

Have been helping my dear friend Donya daily as she is in and out of hospital with this dreaded breast cancer. So far infection is now under control.

I have been feeling rather off the last few weeks. Possibly because of transition in work and going inwards a bit to reassess how I’m doing. Yesterday I spent all morning teaching staff techniques to the job, how to improve skills and patient care. Does and do nots of dental work. It made me feel old! I picked up the tools again like they were an extension of my hand. All felt natural to be back in the field, like I never left. Actually now that I am typing this I reflect on my words. I feel like I was here the entire time I was away almost. While having some time away from the clinic, I did find I thought about it often. Remembering cases and events. It was a huge part of my working life, 23+ years. One of the surgeons I work with is very grounded and practical, someone I admire for his age and dental work. He is in the profession for all the right reasons.

My running is almost on existent again. I am struggling with energy, flat and very lethargic. Even the thought of a walk is to much currently. I know this isn’t me but I can’t help giving into the feeling of just wanting to climb into a hole and just stay there. I fear the depressive side coming back, the anxiety is there a large part of my day.

I did however meet a patient last week whom many people would misunderstand or avoid in the streets if they saw him. Hair is thin and all over the place, unkept appearance but somewhat clean clothing. He came for a quotation for dental surgery last week that is available to people in low income earning jobs. The government will pay for their first $1000.00 of treatment needed, over and above the patient pays for the remaining balance. Anywho, he came in and got his quote, went off to the department and got accepted for payment and came back to me yesterday morning. He has the most amazing smile. I asked him how he was and what he’s up to that day. He informed me he walks for at least three hours a day, eats well and practices mindfulness. He informed me he has schizophrenia that is controlled with a very low dose of medication. As a child he sustained three major head injuries, mainly abuse. He abused substances in his early youth and started to noticed voices and very auditory sentences that scared him. Long story short he has been on a journey of discovery and gone back to basis and foundations of practical living. I admired him and in that moment I felt compelled to share a bit of my experience. We both connected in such a manner that we both acknowledged each others paths. This moment/conversation will stick with me for some time. I wish people actually took the time to acknowledge others more and not be so up their own arses! When he walked out the door I thought to myself lucky I was to meet him. He would be about 58+ years old.

Hope all is good with you all, I think of your all daily and feel we all are feeling the end of the year fast approaching. Yesterday was on a walk and I had many moments I was within a couple of feet of native birds looking for worms or items to build nests with, everything I thought to myself how SD would love this walk!

[snoringdog]

Yesterday was on a walk and I had many moments I was within a couple of feet of native birds looking for worms or items to build nests with, everything I thought to myself how SD would love this walk!

Very nice, thanks!

Make a note of what you see!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team
I’ve been procrastinating ALL day!
From the moment I woke up, I even procrastinated opening my eye lids. Once achieved I then procrastinated getting my feet on the floor. Once that was completed I then questioned my sanity as I didn’t go for my morning run.
I procrastinated answering the phone, was a number I didn’t know. Then found it was the plumber who I procrastinated about getting in to replace some taps. I put him off till tomorrow.
Made my way to the supermarket and got the groceries, didn’t procrastinate on a single item!!
Got home and knew deep down in my cells I needed to do something physical, so I pulled some weeds, then proceeded to put my bike rack on and load my bike up to take to the foreshore. However, I proceeded to procrastinate further and the bike is still on the car with the shed door open and I’m currently cooking the filling for a home made beef and mushroom pie. Coincidentally it takes about six hours to render and become melt in your mouth tender. So the bike as you can image is all loaded up with only part of me wanting to ride it.

I finished an entire book while waiting for the beef to render down, then thought about doing a load of washing. The machine has half way full, I have no desire to go downstairs and start it, maybe I should have got that app that links to the bloody machine, but…..would the app shut the lid for me? I think not dear Watson.

Currently on my bed watching random google images come up on my tv, two books lay beside me, both I want to read but can’t decide what one. The cooking smells amazing, the wind is getting up and I really can’t be bothered going downstairs to shut the washing machine lid or remove the bike from the back of the car.

What’s a gal to do????

Procrastinate, that’s what!

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Mental Fairy

[snoringdog]

Sometimes it all seems like too much.
Where to begin?
How not to get distracted?

The cooking smells amazing, the wind is getting up and I really can’t be bothered going downstairs to shut the washing machine lid or remove the bike from the back of the car.

What’s a gal to do????

Just don't leave the burner on!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Well it’s been a busy week of work. Training up a couple of staff who only lasted two days as they saw the emergency cases we deal with and ran for the hills. Hard to find good staff.

I’ve been kind of doing a beany thing. We all know beany on here and the observations and self care beany takes. I’ve taken a leaf out of the mindfulness thread and done some self observation.

My observations over the last couple of weeks have been somewhat intriguing.
As you may know I’ve left oncology, thanks to working with a complex and complete narcissist. I’ve gone back to my trained profession of 23 years of dentistry. I’ve gone back to the clinic i worked at for over a decade and left due to burnout and my bowel disease issues.

What I have noticed is the first week I went back in the practice as an employee I felt very strange. Almost like it was an out of body experience. I felt like i had gone back in time. I could hear and see all the laughter, tears and workplace banter that used to go on when I used to work there. I stood in my surgery and was leaning up against the bench by the sink and could see before me all the hard work, the emotion and the facial traumas we helped put back together. The laughter and the tears. The arguments and the anger. The tiredness and exhaustion. It’s all played out inside those walls.

After a few days those images wore off, the settling back in began. Because I’ve been employed as lead manager I have a large responsibility and also a freedom I didn’t have last time I was employed there. Last time I was head of nursing and only doing the nursing side of the clinic. Now I’m doing all of it including that. You would think I would be ripping my hair out and stressed out, maybe even wondering why the heck I’ve gone back.
The opposite is happening, I’m cool, calm and happy. I’ve got a team under me that needs a bit of guidance but I’ve been working in the profession long enough to know it like the back of my hand.
Friday was a 12 hour day. I had a staff member call in sick so I nursed all afternoon and evening on top of running the desk. Once upon a time I would have been in a rage and sworn my head off. Now I’m enjoying it in a way i never had before.
Even through the shift I asked myself why I felt this way? I questioned my sanity and I even tried to feel angry and annoyed but I couldn’t. I had patients to look after. Yesterday was emergency after emergency. We had patients booked from 9am till 6pm and walk in emergencies in the mix also.
A young boy last weekend came in after and accident, causing him to break four front teeth clean in half, when he put his hand out to save himself he tore off his fingernails. Immediately I went into nurse mode. Yesterday he came in with a box of chocolates and flowers to take me. My heart melted.

I can only assume that working in oncology and end of life care for the last couple of years has changed my perspective and mindset rather dramatically. It’s effectively altered my thinking patterns more than I first thought.

However, after typing all this and explaining my observations something else has been happening in the background. Anxious attacks at random times, at home, in the car, at the shops, at work, on a walk, on a bike ride….you name it, it keeps happening. My panic attacks used to happen at very calculated times. I felt them coming on and tried to swim through them. However I have this underlying fear and anxiousness that it’s too good to be true and it’s all going to fall down around me. I get this pitta patter of the heart, it races and flutters. I get this sense of panic and dread. Then it goes away. Currently four to five times a day.

Question: is this to do with my past experience with my old job coming back to kick me in the arse or is it something below the surface? Self doubt?
I can’t put my finger on it but the little attacks are starting to worry me a little. I do have my own oncology appointment coming up in October to make sure I’m still in remission. I have a sinking feeling something has changed.

I assume subconsciously my mindset has changed considerably. I am also aware of my body changing in multiple ways. I’ve become to hungry to know more about particular subjects and read more books. I’m at peace with the thought of knowing my life is possibly going to be shorter than most, and that’s ok. I’m ok with this knowing my condition can’t be improved with any medication or treatment. We have travelled that road many times and treatment almost broke me.

I had a patient walk in yesterday afternoon who I had treated for over a decade. I knew him well and watched him almost die once in ICU. He walked in and saw me and cried when he hugged me. The tears were because the last time he saw me I was 42kg, on chemo and not expected to beat the disease. Now I’m 72kg and still here four years on. He wept on my shoulder and we talked of our journey. I felt grateful to have such beautiful patients, all walks of life, all ages, all ethnicities. But most of all, I felt grateful for this forum and the people on here. We all have our demons, our struggles and our triggers. But we can also share our triumphs and happiness in those moments.

You are all appreciated. I know some of you are going through hell right now, dealing with difficult situations, but please know that your words mean something to each of us, they make each other feel less alone. Beany has taught me to observe myself in different ways through the mindfully posts and today was a beany day of observations I’ve noted.

Hugs to all of you individually and as a group.