Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke before the alarm even though I went to bed later.

I’m anticipating that I won’t feel the usual amount of anxiety or stress today, mainly because of CBT exercises I’ll do once I get to work.

I predict that the net result will be a slightly unfamiliar state which I don’t need to be upset about.

I’m still trying for the full paraphrase of what I’m listening to and doing it habitually on a regular basis. It may take weeks to adopt I see now.

I’m not doing anything else really.

I woke up practicing strong self-sympathy which took a while but was definitely worth it.

Honestly I don’t know what today will become.

Midafternoon will reveal more.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I had a job that was objectively very difficult that I was ready for with what felt like a Karate Kid move.

The listening was easier. If I’m self-regulating when the opportunity to listen comes up then I’m ready for it. So if I focus on self-regulation in anticipation, when the listening happens it’s amazing.

It’s midafternoon and all things seem a little possible.

[Beany Boo]

Today was rough.

I seem to have recovered somewhat though.

People overstepped my boundaries all day. Almost like it was orchestrated.

Or it could be I’m more sensitive than normal. I’m getting some outcomes that I actually want of late and that’s a little scary.

‘I want…’ creates vulnerability.

[manuel_moe_g]

Sorry to hear people are encroaching on your peace, Beany

For me lately, it is weighing on me how my autism is hindering connections with people, even though I crave such connections

Wishing you the very best, Beany

[Beany Boo]

For me lately, it is weighing on me how my autism is hindering connections with people, even though I crave such connections

You’re worried that how you’re presenting is setting people at arms length rather than setting up the conditions for good communication and opportunities to hang out.

[Beany Boo]

I did an experiment where I stopped everything else and kept coming back to focusing on the tinnitus and nothing else. I did it for about half an hour.

At the end I checked in with myself. My chest, ribs, shoulders, neck, jaw and temples were slightly but noticeably less tense and somehow more interconnected. My breathing seemed less labored too in a way that was unfamiliar. And the noise (whether it had altered or not) seemed less like a scream and more like a hum.

I don’t know the actual cause, whether it’s diet, hydration, breathing, stress, tension, posture, in the ear or in the body. I might keep doing this particular exercise to see if it continues to improve. Spending time not effort-ing to shut it out might actually eventually integrate it in a more comfortable way.

[troebia]

Tinnitus is a weird beast. If you consult any medical site it's characterised as a bothersome but "non-lethal" condition. And on the other hand people do commit suicide because of it. https://www.tinnitustalk.com/ is full of these stories, people disappear from the forum after a lot of activity and the discussion is whether they adapted, it sort of went away or they opted to exit life.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Troebia

[Beany Boo]

Woke up and spent some time on the tinnitus exercise. It is providing relief. Once I’m walking around the ring feels mildly less intrusive.

It is also probably not a coincidence that I’m trying to listen more.

My curiosity is improving a little too. The questions I am asking are slightly more interesting to me.

Also, asking people questions is working out to be a good defense. They’re more likely to come to a point and not talk at me when I come back and ask even rudimentary questions.

Today feels like it might be a good one even though I am not in a particularly good mood.

[Beany Boo]

Today was difficult but I seemed to navigate it.

Circumstances conspired to place me in a position where I had no choice but to listen and paraphrase. I did my best and it more or less paid off.

Then there was a second event as difficult as the first. I somehow pulled it off without losing myself though that was a genuine fear.

I notice that I am not avoiding challenges as much as I used to. Even if I don’t immediately know what to do, I’m still content to leave the outcome open and work away without worrying about the certainty of success.

That said, I feel very fragile nonetheless and like someone might catch me caring about myself.

For now I’m safely past midafternoon.