Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

Maybe some beautiful abstract art is in need of release?

Maybe change in media, change in appearance and approach?

This could open up a more interesting self reflection from within your artistic self?

[troebia]

Yes to everything you said, MF. But doing all that can also be extremely straining, it's like constantly living on a knife's edge. Basquiat shot heroin to keep himself there. Lots of the good ones almost drank themselves to death...Van Gogh probably didn't need all that absinthe because he was already crazy. Klimt and Picasso were sex addicts who abused women for their own creative release.

On a more earthly and realistic level, I could probably advance a bit by socialising with likeminded people. Also, simply getting peace of mind and not feeling constantly frazzled by small things would help me being more creative. I've tried relaxation exercises that resemble yoga and they calm me for the moment, but then if I for example see something broken around the house i should fix, my anxiety can shoot through the roof again. The constantly fluctuating tinnitus also drives me nuts. There are days when I've taken so much Xanax that the day just floats by in apathy. I sincerely hope the therapy will work, and that the SSRIs finally kick in.

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh, I send you a massive kiwi hug.

I’ve walked in those shoes my friend and it’s so bloody hard. Some days the shoes are made of concrete and other days they don’t feel like my own.

Breath work and yoga was my turning point but found when my mind is racing (through most days) I run away from the mat because I can’t face looking inwards. It hurts deeply to reject myself.

I’m so 100% here for you in any way. Amitriptyline is what I take at night to allow me to try slow the brain down and help with the pain in the bowel but honestly some days I want to take it all day everyday and occasionally all at once! It’s annoying it doesn’t stop the sleep walking or conversations in my sleep!

Thinking of you my friend, it actually brought a tear to my eye reading you last post.

[troebia]

MF, I so appreciate your replies, they give me warmth and strength. Knowing that you and the others read my posts means a lot. Big hugs.

I recently watched an interview with the philosopher Alain de Botton and he remarked that in the dawn of humans, simply surviving to bring up the next generation was sufficient and very few lived to be more than 35 years old. Nowadays being is not enough, we must become successful at something or our life is considered a failure. Also with life expectancy in the "developed" world now almost in the nineties, we have so much more time to stress about comparing ourselves to others.

And adding:
It's hard for me to imagine the additional pressure of being a woman with today's expectations of physical appearance and stereotypes.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh I have so much to respond with and will soon once i get my words and thoughts straight.

[troebia]

Therapy update

I handed over all the forms. Based on what I filled out, I've now gotten homework in the form of activities. I expressed my worry about how any mental therapy could help me with the tinnitus although I remain positive about his work so far. He is at least earnest in saying that while he's confident in being able to help me with my depression and anxiety, the T is something he's still studying up on. In my mind it's only a part of the whole and something I can only hope to adapt to, like a missing limb.

The vortioxetine is making me slightly nauseous for a couple of hours after taking it, and it's getting worse every day. I've thought of taking only half the dose, but it hasn't given me the promised positive effects yet except for maybe needing a bit less of alcohol and Xanax to feel level.

Adding:
I am temporarily exiled from the desktop PC which lives in the room where my daughter with boyfriend are now visiting, so I try to make do with my smartphone. This morning while doodling, a figure appeared with its arms raised. I usually sketch from videos of people walking on streets and this posture is not usual at all. I hope it means something, it looks like hope.

IMG_20231021_101557.jpg (192.14 KiB) Viewed 10711 times

[troebia]

I'm writing again, realising that I've gone through so many ups and downs while here on the forum. During the latest "up" I thought it would be possible to put a lid on the incessant brooding and instead concentrate on advancing with painting, and I told you all I'd take a break from posting. Just a few weeks later I came crashing down and my wife suggested I return to therapy, in words like:
"I don't give a sh*t about the stuff that needs doing around the house or the grove and I don't give a sh*t about whether your art comes to anything because right now you're living like a zombie. Try another therapist, and if you don't like them either then try another. You need help!"
I'm trying to show up daily to the corner of the house that has become my studio. I must admit that there are days when I just sit there for hours and doodle aimlessly. Before the SSRI medication I had spikes of creativity, now it's more like one overcast grey day after another. I actually grew up in a climate like that, when 8 months of the year is either rainy dark slush or snowy white slush, and people aren't out after six in the evening. Introspective melancholy is banished in the Mediterranean. Here, everything has to be loud, vivacious and theatrically dramatic and I often feel out of place.

I'd like to be able to consciously put myself in a zen state of mind and draw and paint, without anxiety, guilt, anger, fear. And also have the privacy in my own home to be able to open a bottle of bubbly and get intimate with my wife anywhere in the house. I know, this is razing the top of Maslow's pyramid, out of reach for most.

[Mental Fairy]

Troebia, you are not alone on this shuffle. I would call it a journey but with a journey we have intentions of going somewhere, taking paths and exploring, currently I hear you don’t feel like this is a journey but more like a slog through the misty greyness and numbness of the chemically sedated thoughts and mind.

Alas my friend I share this journey with you, at times I find a path and feel like I’m making headway on this so called “journey” only to find the fog sets in and in rolls the endless procrastination and anxiety.

Yesterday was a beautiful day outside. Personally I am not a spring or summer person. Never have been. I’m a bit backwards. I sat in one spot for most of yesterday, napping from time to time to try escape the feeling of the day. There is a difference between the grey misty foggy days and the grey misty foggy mind.
Personally I feel that feeling of lowness when it’s sunny. How weird I know. When I see drizzle, fog or rain I’m become happy and upbeat. Run in the ran, explore in the fog.

However, the mindfuck of this sounds similar to yourself. Having been on medication for the nerve pain and lowness for over 15 plus years I understand the low libido. It’s also been a major issue in my own marriage.

Your images have inspired me to try sketching. My push into this was talking to local sketcher www.briangnyp.com Having him here in clinic he started sketching our waiting room with just a pen, his detail was beautiful and simple. He seems to capture just the right amount of detail to tell the tail of his days at random places.

I just wanted to say I read everything you post and I resonate with you in many ways. It was so hard to come into the clinic today to do paperwork. As we are not open today the doors are locked and all I want to do is curl up in the chair and escape with sleep, even if I do walk through my dreams physically!

I put on my running kit this morning and left at 4:30, I managed 20min of walking before I had this incredible urge to go home and just sit in my spot and not move. I assume this is the darkness creeping back in for some reason.

Hang in there my friend. Please hang in there. Trial and error

[troebia]

MF, fog and shuffle are the right words and it seems we are on the same wavelength even on almost the polar opposites of the planet. I force myself to do at least something related to art every day though it may be just cleaning brushes and palettes. I'm seeing total inactivity up close every day in my mother-in-law laying all day voluntarily in front of the TV, and it looks like near death.

I'm glad you're trying sketching and thank you for sharing the link to Brian's work. Impressive how he turns almost mundane scenes into great sketches and I also like how he doesn't shy away from drawing people which is very difficult but very rewarding as well. Maybe there's a local chapter of Urban Sketchers, near you? I think you'd enjoy participating and you would be inspired by the others. There's absolutely no judgement of the results, instead general encouragement and often a bar or café together afterwards to relax and chat after all the quiet concentration.

Are you sure your medication is right for you? I've been taking one particular SSRI for almost six weeks now with no positive effect except for the mood levelling, I'll give it another four before either tapering off or asking my GP (who I trust more than the 5-minute psychiatrist) if I could switch to another similar pill. They've all been developed through trial and error anyway, and it's not very comforting to read "the mechanism behind the effect of this medication is not known". So I'll do my own trial and error...and hang in there. Hugs.

[manuel_moe_g]

Howdy Troebia and Mental Fairy

When it all come down to it, I don’t think they really know how any of these mental illness pills works