Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Before photo

[Mental Fairy]

After photos and two storms later!

[manuel_moe_g]

Howdy Mental Fairy

My dad’s passing is complicated. He always had strong narcissistic tendencies and sometimes would have terrible flashes of temper, and in general he was unstable and irrational because he was a slave to his rapidly changing emotions

So, as you would expect, part of me was greatly relieved that he was gone, and he passed in such a way he couldn’t do any damage at the very end of life

Part of me wishes he could have seen more life events of my daughter, because he always treated my daughter with love and respect

He was very smart and very wise, when he was calm and stable

I resent that he never tried to mentor me through my difficulties with life and with my mental diseases, when I was young

[Mental Fairy]

Hi MM

My heart really felt heavy reading your response. I could feel every word for some reason.
We try so hard to not carry on traits of our parents into our own parenting. I sometimes catch myself sounding like my own mother at times. It annoys me at times. As much as I wish she was still here for my son I am sadly relieved she’s not. I know nothing I have done or said would ever be good enough. I hate to think what would have happened if she lived.

Team; sleep is so so so important to me. Not keen on the sleep walking side of things but when I do sleep I lucid dream, catapulted into some really weird scenes. Not all pleasant. Since maybe last week I have been sleeping and waking up like a zombie. The response to this is extreme fatigue and fluttering of anxiety bubbling away in the background.
I have the surgeon appointment next week and I’m secretly apprehensive about what’s to come. The pain is all localised to the right side of the bowel. Up under my ribs.
I’ve tried not to think too much about it and pushed through. Joes taken Monday off to come with me, he sees the changes.

I started a new book yesterday, my absolute favourite author who writes in a style I like. He writes a series and I’m very excited to see what happens with the characters. However, I started and I stopped almost immediately. It was a story that included dog stealing and selling of them to make money. I tried to get through the first couple of chapters and was unable.
Something in my brain stopped me every time. How is it I’m capable of reading about humans in distress but not animals? I have found in the last three years or more I am unable to handle seeing any animal or insects hurt or harmed. Mind you, I can’t even watch the news! I hung out for this book to arrive for over a year, I open it and close it. Not possible to read. Sod this complicated brain of mine!

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Mental Fairy, wishing you all the very best

[Mental Fairy]

*** very funny moment***

In my bag weeks ago I took a packet of batteries to work for the clocks. AA batteries.
My nurse here at the clinic came rushing up to me (young girl) asked if I had any sanitary products as her cycle must of started unexpectedly. I dashed to my bag, it’s absolutely full of unnecessary stuff so I went by feel. Grabbed what I thought was a tampon and put it in her hand. She never looked either. She went to the bathroom and came right back and and looked at me funny. She handed me a battery! All I could say was it was a good brand and should speed her cycle up! Why on earth did I wake up today!!!

[snoringdog]

I have found in the last three years or more I am unable to handle seeing any animal or insects hurt or harmed.....Sod this complicated brain of mine!
Top

I get that. It's boundaries and context, and always always hard to square.

Here are a few examples I have-

1. Warming up a vacation place for a few days while prepping it for winter. Flies came out of stasis/hibernation, and were buzzing around the inside windows not all of which can be opened. I managed to release a few, but not all. They should at least be part of the cycle of life, should they?

2. Compost tumbler - Thousands of fruit flies appear when I open the lids. Fruit flies have been a fundamental part of our understanding of genetics for many decades. I try to let as many out as possible before dumping new scraps in....

3. Compost tumbler - Soldier-fly larva in their hundreds. When it gets too wet, these harmless larvae appear and take their turn in the transformation process. Should I turn the tumbler and risk crushing or asphyxiating them? Each one has its own little life that's progressing....Should I interfere? (But I *have* dumped the compost out at times to dry it out, and have seen the birds feast with seeming pleasure, which gives me pleasure).

4. Mouse traps - I had a small catch-and-release trap that we'd used in the basement, and then left un-baited after we were seemingly done. Months later, saw it and thought there was something in it. Yes indeed, a small, long-dead mouse had ventured in, and unable to escape, died.

5. Blue Jay with Sparrow chick - in the spring, heard a commotion and saw a blue jay on a low branch with a sparrow chick hanging by its leg in its beak. I grabbed a pole net that I had a shooed the jay away, and managed to usher the fledgling to a bush where maybe it would be found by it's parents and live.

5. Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil with fractured tibia - Read about this years ago, and couldn't help but imagine the pain and trouble the creature must have had.

And there you have it.

Persons of greater import, and with important lives to lead think nary a bit about such things.

For me, at times, they can be burdensome.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team.

I’m still on earth, alive and kicking.

Every time I log on I feel I have to much to type but yet it all feels so meaningless.

Work work work, we did an on call weekend for emergency work so yesterday and today have been my first two days off in a while. Yesterday consisted of Donya and I talking shit for three hours at a very remote cafe so people do make me run away.

Last Friday was our 16th wedding anniversary, I forgot, again. Until Joe reminded me we were going out for dinner at 6pm Saturday. Immediately I became uptight and anxious. I just don’t cope well around people and the town currently is full of people from all over New Zealand and abroad due to the garden and arts festival. As soon as I left the clinic on Saturday I had an hour to whip into the shower and put on clothing that draws zero attention towards one’s self. If I could go dressed in a tablecloth or incognito I would. Even better, not go.

I am not sure about anyone else but when you have been married for so long you really have to think of things to talk about other than work and our teenage man baby! I found myself on Saturday fading off into a daydream of trying to work out what to talk about over dinner. I hate seeing couples sitting at a table and steering off into space and not talking. I don’t want to be that couple. So what does Gia do???? She comes up with a random idea, a suggestion. I open our dinner talk with a question. I ask Joe if he would accompany me to a wellness retreat next May in the South Island. He is aware I have been on a couple and came back better for attending it. He even has started ice baths and some mindfulness techniques. When I asked I expected him to say no or that it was my thing and not his. I almost fell off my chair and chocked on my gluten free garlic bread when he said yes. Panic set it. I was partly over the moon and also awaiting him to say he was kidding. Without him even looking at the itinerary he said yes.
After hoofing down my main as I hadn’t eaten all day, we made a prompt exit when a bus load of tourists came in and sat down. Joe saw how uncomfortable I was and we paid and left before desert. Not that we needed it.

I didn’t speak of the trip again until today. He still wants to go, so tonight I will spend the evening booking flights and doing the deposit on the trip. I did show him the Facebook posts from last years trip and he seemed shocked as what he has signed up for. However, this could be a good thing. I spoke to Donya about it and one of two things could happen. Joe himself will experience a breakthrough like I did back in February or he will come back and say never again! But when you look at the accommodation and what we are doing, it is hard to not like it already. Joe is about to see me in my happy place, with like minded people all trying to find some path in life that gives us hope, relief and guidance. I’m kind of letting him into a world I feel comfortable in my skin and not judged, other than here of course. In my head I want you all to come. Gosh it would be the most amazing experience to have you all there.
Joe is also happy there is a maximum of 12 people only. This is the only reason I’m going. And also because Laura who runs the trips is a good friend.

Mood wise I’m up and down. I had sleep paralysis on Tuesday and woke in a plethora of terror. If I told you what I saw or felt you would have be committed to a padded room. Sleep paralysis is bloody scary. Far worse than going into the toilet after one of the boys have been in there.

Tomorrow I see the surgeon. It was meant to be today but he moved it a day, I feel emotionally numb at the thought of going.

Have I picked up my paints and sketch book? Tonight I will try. Work has overtaken my brain this past couple of weeks.

Will add the links to retreat and info ….nudge nudge wink wink

https://www.livewild.co.nz/

https://www.livewild.co.nz/service-page/wim-hof-method-immersive-experience-4?referral=service_list_widget

https://www.facebook.com/livewild.co.nz/

If I win lotto between now and then, pack your bags as I want to see you all there with me, it would be amazing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Joe is about to see me in my happy place, with like minded people all trying to find some path in life that gives us hope, relief and guidance.

Wonderful, Mental Fairy! I should do something like this with my wife

[Mental Fairy]

Hi MM

I'm rather nervous about it as Joe has never been on a trip with me before that incorporates mindfulness and mental health. I do wonder how he’s going to take it. He’s a kiwi trucker with a mouth like a sailor when he’s not achieving something. He had to replace the taps in the kitchen last week and for the first time ever he never swore or threw a tool ever! That in itself is a miracle. He’s working on his fitness currently and has until May to accept that he’s about to be involved in a group of 12 people all breathing oddly on command! Poor guy wont know what’s hit him. He did see the photos of people sitting in a lake full of ice and I watched the blood drain from his face. You could practically hear his heart pounding when I told him that there is medics there at all times!