Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Had appointment with surgeon. Start chemo infusion for three months starting next week

[manuel_moe_g]

Praying for you, Mental Fairy

[Mental Fairy]

I can feel the warmth of them MM. I’m lost for words.

[troebia]

Had appointment with surgeon. Start chemo infusion for three months starting next week

You are a warrior full of power and very brave, MF. I could never imagine that in a similar situation I'd still beat myself up about forgetting an anniversary. Dodging heavy blows and still composed, still caring. That kind of energy will burn all ill right out of you.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beautiful people. Just wanted to say I’m still reading your posts daily. Just long hours at work. Day off tomorrow so will post them.

Troebia my heart goes out to you, your journey with meditation is familiar to me.

I honestly think of you all daily.

A patient come in to see me today and was shocked at my appearance. Last time he saw me I was 43kg and no hair. Now I have hair and maintain weight a bit better with my shakes.
I’m not going to lie but my mood is a bit low and a lot of battling going on in my head currently.

You are all loved.

Back soon.

[Mental Fairy]

Summer is here, bugger it!

[Mental Fairy]

My therapist

[troebia]

My therapist

Lol that cat is da boss!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

It’s Monday, if I was Garfield and could eat lasagna without shitting myself I would.

I am awaiting results from biopsies, the longer the results take the more concerning the results. When histology is not able to be passed by the limited lab techs here then it gets sent to Wellington or Christchurch for histology checks. Technically I should have heard by now if all is well. I am in a way disconnected and try hard not to think about it but it manifests in other ways, little anger outbursts over little things, tiredness tears, forgetting things and self hatred talk in my head.
I have noted my skin has changed a lot over the last 6-12 months due to the medication. Little areas of concern that the surgeon pointed out, sunscreen is a must. I’m aware the immunotherapy is causing areas of distress in the cells and early skin cancer signs. Having already had stage 1 on my nose I am somewhat worried about being in the sun for to long. Joe kindly got me an umbrella for outside so I could eat in the shade in a hidden area of the garden.

Work week was good, learning some new things as well as buffering up on old skills I forgot I used to do.

My headspace right now is like a swing. I’m up and about then I’m coming down in a crashing emotional dump. I delayed going to supermarket yesterday as I didn’t want to be around people, however now I have to go today. The sky is turning black which is a welcome sight to see. I love rain.

I was sitting outside under my umbrella yesterday reading. I felt so at peace with the world. Hidden behind out purposely grown thick hedges with a book in one hand and cuppa of Yorkshire tea in the other. Then bing, my phone goes off. And old friend of mine messaged asking for a catch up as she had some news. Taking into account she’s the lead doctor for ED, I assumed it was work stuff. I agreed I would meet her at the local cafe for an hour as I needed to be home by three to meet drunken uncle.
We sat in the cafe which made me feel like crawling up the walls, the noise of the coffee machine and people was to much for me, thankfully people were leaving knowing it closes at 3. Less coffees were being made yet the floor was being swept and I swear I could hear the bubbles popping in the bucket that they were ready to mop the floor with.
My friend informed me that she is leaving for the South Island for good in February. There is better lifestyle down there and homes are more affordable. She’s been through a terrible break up and needs to move on. She kept crying from time to time especially when we were talking about cases. She has some very complex trauma based triggers from work and I asked her how she copes with all the pressure and situations she is facing in ED. Her reply….I don’t, I’m not and I need to leave New Plymouth. I could see the pain and suffering in her eyes. She is only just keeping her head above water. I reminded her that people will be dying and hurting themselves in the South Island also, there is no escape from her role unless she quits medical work. She is an incredible person but deeply hurting. We hugged and parted ways, promised to see each other before she leaves. I went home feeling exhausted.

When I’ve been finding my monkey brain taking over i found crystal music bowls are helping bring me back to the now. Odd sound but soothing. Currently have them in my ears while I type.

Yesterday I found a box of all my grans photos we took out of her house after she died. I went on the hunt for photos of me and my body language. It was a test of mental endurance to look at photos of my entire family that has gone. Photos of my mother, only a couple of my father and shit loads of my very funny and cheeky grandfather. I found only 8 photos of me out of hundreds and hundreds of photos. I’m going to post them as I want to see what you all notice. What do you see?

[Mental Fairy]

Photo 2