Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

More than a week into the effects of vortioxetine, some new observations:

• Dreams have been altered dramatically. They now always seem to include traumatic events from my past but in recent settings, which is unpleasant and confusing. It's as if the brain wants to reprocess memories from new perspectives. I'll now wake up knowing it was a dream, at least.
• I told my daughter when we showed her our photos from a recent trip to some mountain villages: "I look almost like a normal person." I feel more connected to reality, especially among other people. I also feel part of the "people", not better, not worse.
• Physical exercise feels good and reduces rumination. I feel more acceptance of my ailments and physical defects, and the fact that it's downhill from here.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Troebia

Interesting observations. I am only assuming this next statement as I have similar experiences with dream state. It is possibly your brain processing some suppressed emotions or events?

My therapist pointed out to me that the emotions you wake up with need to be recorded in some way. Last night for instance I dreamt of someone who plays a small part in my life from time to time. I say small because he drives me nuts as his conversations can at times make me nervous to talk about. There was a time a while ago I said something hurtful without really thinking about how it would affect him. I hurt his feelings and i still feel bad about it. I dreamt of this person last night and was in his body looking at life through his eyes and feeling emotions I didn’t feel comfortable with. I was watching myself saying something or doing something hurtful without intention but i woke feeling let down, disconnected and hurt. This happens a lot in my dream state. I end up in someone else’s body or looking at things or events through others eyes.

The photo comment got my attention as yesterday I was going through a box of photos that we took out of my grans house after she died. I was looking for photos of me. I found all the photos with me in them as noted something interesting. I will post on my thread as I wonder what others notice.

Thinking of you

[manuel_moe_g]

Wishing you well Troebia

Selfishly wanting more of your art

[troebia]

I dreamt of this person last night and was in his body looking at life through his eyes and feeling emotions I didn’t feel comfortable with. I was watching myself saying something or doing something hurtful without intention but i woke feeling let down, disconnected and hurt. This happens a lot in my dream state. I end up in someone else’s body or looking at things or events through others eyes.

I also have this kind of disassociation sometimes now since the medication kicked in. There are even Facebook groups dedicated to secondary effects of vortioxetine and the dreams people are having seem harrowing. Glad I didn't read those stories before taking it. I've never taken magic mushrooms though some of the dream effects are probably similar to what I wake up with now.

Adding for the sake of this "logbook":
I'm overall positive to the medication right now. If I think back two months there's been a lot of improvement, though the therapy has also been important for challenging ingrained thought patterns. Anxiety spikes are still high but there's more energy and inner acceptance to be able to push through. Wife says I seem more present. There's still a difficult road ahead but I take each obstacle as it comes without them all coming crashing down at once.

[troebia]

There is a slew of YouTube videos describing the supposed "smart" effects of vortioxetine. I do feel more rational and methodical, but also less creative and spontaneous which means drawing and painting less.

There's a lot of talk online about a genetic testing procedure that supposedly can tell which SSRI medication is good or bad for you. I'm a bit sceptical because while the measuring seems to work, it's limited to a couple of proteins and the actual brain response is probably more complex. So people have found a new thing to obsess about, instead of just trying their medication with a hopeful approach.

Another medication similar to vortioxetine also pops up, vilazodone (commercially known as Viibryd). It seems to have a quicker effect and provokes less nausea.

Adding more:
The chemical treatment (the effect of vortioxetine) has been very important so far. I now feel as if a plateau has been reached where I feel more zen and cool about life in general. The downside(?) is that I feel like my personality has been altered slightly. We had an exercise in my Italian class where we had to imagine what to do during a "gap year": I wrote that I'd like to go to developing countries and help installing wells and sanitation facilities. And hell yeah, I'd really go. I feel different and there are going to be some changes...I don't know what's going to happen but I'm not worrying too much about it. I used to freak out about so many things and now I don't see the point in worrying so much. Shit happened. Shit happens. Shit will happen.

[troebia]

Therapy update #6
I had made an appointment via my insurance's app with an otologist for Thursday, but cancelled since it was impossible to reach their office via phone to confirm that they would do a hearing test then and there. I called another hospital and they said I could come in the very next day, Friday. The problem was that it was just a test and afterwards I had the results handed to me by a technician, but not an appointment to get an evaluation by an otologist. The technician only explained that my kind of hearing loss usually degrades over the years to make speech comprehension difficult without hearing aids. So I have to get a new appointment to probably get told the same thing by a doctor.

In the afternoon then, I wasn't in the best mood for therapy. Things have improved but seem to have reached a plateau. The therapist tells me the "B" or Belief step in Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy is the hardest one. My interpretations (beliefs) of events or states are still too emotional and I haven't internalised the rational thoughts I've written down myself in the exercises. "You can break it down into more gradual steps, if it helps", he says, "or rinse and repeat, so to speak. The important thing is that you are convinced of your own conclusions in the next step 'C'. Don't just write what you think I want you to write".

He wrote on a piece of paper:

• What do I have?
• What do I want?
• What can I do with what I have to get what I want?

[troebia]

Things are not going well, it's like gradually descending into a dark hole. Whenever I am at home in the house, I obsess about the tinnitus. And I can't even think about being creative and evolving my drawings and paintings anymore. Wife is understanding but seems to have taken it upon her to put me to a chore whenever she sees me idle, to keep me busy so that I can't ruminate. Though when I'm in Italian class, or go out to dinner or have friends over, it's like I'm another person: I can laugh and be social like someone "normal". Disassociation is a side effect of the vortioxetine, I've read.

I've had some very dark thoughts, thinking that it would be wonderful to just disappear. I don't feel suicidal (I think) but making some radical change seems very appealing, to for example do voluntary work that I mentioned earlier that would take me to situations where people are in so much need that my hang-ups just seem ridiculous.

[manuel_moe_g]

sorry you are in a dark place, Troebia

please take care, wishing you the very best, all blessings to you, all strength to you, and all courage to you

[troebia]

Thank you MM, it means a lot to me.
Trying to see the glass as half full but it's damned difficult.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Rumination is something I have to deal with, along with intrusive and negative thoughts.

Some time ago I started to think of them like the distracting and annoying billboards that I pass by while driving. They're there, but I don't always need to look at them....

I'm hearing my tinnitus too right now, but it isn't really annoying. Yours must be pretty bad.
How is your hearing otherwise?
Have you tried any kind of masking (white noise) devices, or maybe just listening to some music or other sounds you enjoy, to give yourself a break? (For me, that can be bird song)

(I also have hyperacusis which bothers me a lot more than the tinnitus....)

Wishing you well!

SD