Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hobbit garden

[Mental Fairy]

This is Leo, the neighbours cat. The neighbour was over the fence talking and I informed her I had brushed loads of fur of Leo this morning. She said she did too, about an hour before me. I said I gave her breakfast as well because she came over, the neighbour said ‘Me too!’

[Mental Fairy]

Hand therapy; day one.

Owwwww!

I underestimated the power of scar tissue. As I can’t drive still because I can’t grip the steering wheel, I have been walking absolutely everywhere. I’m loving it. I’ve made so many little trips in random places I never knew existed. I’ve got many cat affairs going on. One in particular that jumps out at me daily from its driveway. Adorable tabby. Mazie sniffed me when I got home and I immediately felt guilty. I confused I patted another cat. I feel dirty!

I’ve listened to podcasts, music and my own head at times when I drained my EarPod things flat.

I have scar tissue forming in my palm and it’s bloody painful below the tissue. Yet when you touch the tissue it’s numb.
Apparently I need to massage the scar tissue in multiple places but I can’t do it without gagging. I touch the area and I want to gag! I stick my hands in peoples gobs day in and day out. I’ve even stuck my fingers in sockets looking for bone fragments. Yet I can’t rub my own hand. Weirdo!

I now have a compression thing on the hand and it feels soooooo good. It’s like it’s in a nest that pushes the thumb back where it should be.
A patient brought me a physio ball thing to roll and squeeze. He offered me others but I was afraid to ask!!!!

Ok so today on my walk I came across a bird that needed a hug. Will attach a pic. It’s a shag with its wings out to cool down. The ocean is so hot right now.

[Mental Fairy]

Mazie when I told her I had patted another cat, or should I say six cats. I should be thrown in jail!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, I am sorry to hear about the scar tissue, and the resulting pain.

I’m not sure if it is common in NZ, but I’ve had good luck with something called AmeriGel, which my podiatrist suggested for open wounds when Neosporin is not indicated.

AMERIGEL Hydrogel Wound Dressing (1 oz.) - Provides Moisture-Rich Healing Environment for Dry Wounds https://a.co/d/93RsdEs

I hope your recovery continues. Keep us posted!

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Just checking in, how are you doing?

[Mental Fairy]

Having ups and downs. Lots of hand therapy. Learning to use it again

[snoringdog]

Thanks for the update. Wishing you a speedy rehab.

It has to be frustrating though, but you can do it!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

It’s certainly taught me a lot about the pain threshold. I did start doing yoga again but with no hand pressure type moves. Downward facing dog with no hands really isn’t a thing! I think that’s called face plant.

I did a gentle jog this morning, with the distances I’ve been walking every day I’ve kept my fitness ticking over good in the legs but not the lungs. I did bike to the hand therapist today which is about 11km away from home. I held one handle and just guided with my knuckles on the other hand. I was wearing mountain bike padded gloves also as I can’t apply pressure well onto the palm. I have zero feeling of where it is.
Joe is rubbing the scar tissue every night after I soak it in warm water. Making a big difference. Sadly the neuromas are wrapping around the muscles and nerve's causing strangulation. So after a rub my hand can move more, but within two hours it goes back into a claw type shape with the thumb and no ability to move hand backwards.

On the plus side the therapist is extremely happy with the palm and keeps reminding me it’s early days and still in acute condition.

Frustrating and painful.

Bowel wise I’ve managed to maintain well. Zero pain killers thankfully now.

Work is great. I’ve just employed Donya to help me out at work. Needed an assistant so took her on to help me. Make a great team.

The boys are going away end of the month and I’m looking forward to some time to myself. And also some time to just not have anyone around to annoy me!

I have been reading everyone’s posts just feeling incredibly useless lately.

Went up the rangers with Donya last weekend and had a blast in the hills. We came across a sculpture I will post a photo.
On the way home I got car sickness so bad I had to get out four times to lose my lunch! Funny thing was we are 22km from home. Just roads are all up and down and around and around.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

I’m in a temporary slump I know well enough to call it low mood. I have the dreams back. Two nights in a row. Last night it was very much like I was visited by my mother and the partner she had before she popped her clogs.

Upon waking I felt like I needed to bleach my brain and try rid her of the stains she has left in my memory.
Last Sunday I got Joe to remove a box of photos I had in the house that i somehow ended up with after my grandma died. I didn’t know half the people in them and the ones I did know I wished I didn’t.
It felt like a box of lies, deceit and hypocrisy sitting in this box. Joe put it into my drunken uncles car. I was so very tempted to burn the whole box.

So anywho, I woke this morning after a dream in which my mother played the main role. The feelings I was left with lingering in my frontal lobe is annoyingly strong. In the dream I relived the feelings she gave me while alive; ignored, looked down upon, useless, waste of space. The list goes on.

I’m fighting the tired feeling today at my desk. I feel angry, anxious, and fatigued. This women takes up so much space and I can’t shake the anger that builds up over the years. Just when I think I’ve got a grasp of things and dealt with emotions, it all comes back in my sleep state.

Walking to work this morning, dragging my feet to put one in front of the other, I avoided patting all the cats I saw that ran to greet me. I found holding my head up next to impossible. Music in my ears made me feel annoyed so i opted for podcast. I walked to work feeling like I did as a child. I felt lonely and isolated and deeply broken.

My heart aches just as much as this broken hand.