Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Thank you MF.
I'm feeling cautious about writing more right now since I notice an angry cynicism in myself and dark thoughts bubbling up, which may have been noticeable in my latest posts. I've been busy in the orchard which is a great leveler. The chores are piling up and there's little time for thought.

[oak]

Troebia, thank you for posting.

Keep us posted as to the orchard progress.

[Mental Fairy]

I’m so glad you can notice when you feel that way. Many don’t hold back and let rip onto everyone. I’m like that when I’m tired and have to remind myself I’m feeling a particular way because I need sleep. Immediately I remove myself from the company of others and hide away until I can rest or have it pass over.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Hey, it's your Diary, so fire away.

Posting here is a little different than the daily face-to-face at home.
(Mental Fairy's point is well taken, but that's for interpersonal...)

If posting negatively or whatever here on the board has a net-positive effect on your interactions with spouse and family, then I think it's for the good.

It brings to mind this episode -

Terrorist Attack Girl – Meyli Chapin
https://mentalpod.com/archives/6645

When I listened to it, the last 5 minutes really sunk in (1:30:00 ~ 1:35:00)
She finds that practicing small-scale kindnesses in her daily interactions is meaningful.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh I must look this up and listen. Great feedback SD.

[troebia]

If posting negatively or whatever here on the board has a net-positive effect on your interactions with spouse and family, then I think it's for the good.
It brings to mind this episode -
Terrorist Attack Girl – Meyli Chapin
https://mentalpod.com/archives/6645
When I listened to it, the last 5 minutes really sunk in (1:30:00 ~ 1:35:00)
She finds that practicing small-scale kindnesses in her daily interactions is meaningful.

Hi SD and thank you, I listened to that segment now and I see your point. But if it makes me feel better and nicer IRL after venting and ranting here, it can only be in good conscience if I don't hurt the feelings of those who I appreciate, even virtually and remotely. A few years back I was part of a small but intense Google Plus discussion group with people from all over the world, and there was this one Finnish guy who insisted on taking everything personally and I sort of fizzled out because it became exhausting. Since then I'm always trying to be aware of how written words can be misinterpreted, and how easy it is to offend when expressing opinions.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Troebia,

good news is that everyone here is so compassionate, and everyone always give a charitable interpretation of whatever is written

it is so rare to find online, a true oasis

[Mental Fairy]

Honestly, I think we can be so open and forgiving all at the same time here. It’s a different level of respect and appreciation for others. It’s our cave of gratitude and appreciation, with loads of wisdom.

[troebia]

Thoughts (I)

Now after almost four months on vortioxetine I finally feel reasonably stabilised and calm. Every now and then, a slight feeling of panic or dark depression will still cross my mind...but it'll buzz by like a fly and disappear again. I couldn't tell if this is only due to the medication, or because the therapy is still sinking in: the part of accepting the state of my hearing and my life in general.

Lately I've been doing a sort of meditation, just sitting in silence (barring the tinnitus) for a while. It's very liberating to shut everything out, ignore every thought of productivity and just breathe, breathe. What's so important anyway? Just a gazillion things to do around the grove and then my back will hurt and set the limit on the day's effort. Keeping consumption low, fixing stuff that breaks, getting to terms with being unemployable. I have had several meaningless jobs in the past, but somehow to society they signify more than doing art and agriculture for their own sake. I am aware that we live rather frugally compared to others around us, on relatively little money but it still feels like I'm not in need of anything material.

Thoughts (II)

The words of the woman I had an affair with on and off fifteen years ago still haunt me: “You’ll never be satisfied with your wife because she seems too serious. Everything has to be organised and programmed. She's poisoned your spontaneity.” Granted, this was said after we’d finally put an end to our liaison which I don’t regret since we both seemed to know there was no future together, only a few pleasurable encounters. I think she genuinely pitied me since I was only a distraction to her, and she'd easily move her interest to another person. Her words resurfaced in my memory last week as our daughter said at the dinner table: “Dad, there’s never any laughter in this house. My boyfriend and I are always joking with each other, at least we try to not be serious all the time.” “You know,” I replied, “here it’s like in those TV detective series when they arrest someone: everything you say may and will be kept and used against you.” “Of course, as it should be,” mother-in-law immediately interjected, I sh*t you not. I'm trying to ignore mother-in-law's pitiful moans, monologues and quirks as much as I can, but being next to her is becoming almost unbearable. Zero privacy with my wife, and I can't move or speak freely in my own home. There's really nothing I can do about the situation except to eat with my mouth zipped and keep busy in other rooms and places.

I met an old friend last week and we both unloaded our grievances with our families, and it felt good and therapeutic. I have chosen to cut several other "friends" out of my life because on the whole they made me feel worse, and I desperately need more IRL friends — to find my tribe.

Thoughts (III)

I’ve been more sensitive lately to articles, videos and podcasts about what we should really expect of existence. So many calls out there to "Seize the moment!", "Optimise!" and “Maximise your returns!”. At the other end of the scale there is a BBC podcast called "Access all" about people with physical and mental disabilities and I very much feel like one of "them". One of the presenters is a blind woman and she's always brimming with energy and joy. Sometimes she will share some particular hurdle of her everyday life, like sorting her teenage children's socks after washing, and she always manages to make it funny. And here I am, darkly obsessing about my funky hearing and my bad teeth.

Doodling, drawing and painting keeps my mind off...everything. I participate in a couple of Facebook weekly sketching challenges but mostly I'll just let the pen and brush flow mindlessly. I'll find scraps of paper lying around that almost scare me — did I really draw that mess? I discovered a Scottish artist on YouTube that makes collages and small montages with her discarded prints and drawings and it looks great. Like, you think that's crazy, I'll show you crazy. I need more crazy!

[manuel_moe_g]

I like this post, it captures a 360° view of a life

i am sorry that your mother-in-law is an energy vampire. i hate people like that

yeah, i think about those with "worse" challenges than i, who get better results with a better mood. hard to know what to do with that - i just think "at least i know that vibration exists in the universe, maybe i can tap into that particular vibration..."

interesting your reaction to a piece of old art you created. i sometimes as surprised by something i wrote years ago, so foreign...