Father’s death.

[oak]

Friends, after years of decline due to Parkinson's, and 2.5 years of estrangement, my father is nearing death. He is at the regular-morphine stage, with an estimated two weeks. I understand he is not awake/cognizant.

My mother called me, and you can imagine this situation evokes strong and complex emotions.

I will note that she was considerably kinder than the last time we met.

Please forgive the scattered quality of the following thoughts:

---

Against my better judgment, I agreed to visit him Tuesday.

---

In 2021 we got estranged because of culture war stuff. There was/is plenty of blame to go around for our estrangement, but it shouldn't have happened.

Said another way: we could handle, for the first 45 years of my life, the generational trauma. After all that, it was the conspiracy theories that tore us apart. So dumb.

---

My main fear is that my siblings will, not unreasonably (see "plenty of blame to go around", above), have anger with me, and start drama.

I am going for him, and for me. For everyone else, no.

Also, I don't see myself going to the funeral. It would stir up people. Unless I can negotiate everyone agreeing to be cool, but really if you have "negotiate" with grown people about how not to be jerks, it is already a lost cause. And funerals are not known for calm and reason, for being devoid of grief, regret, and unaired resentments.

---

I must admit I regret the estrangement.

Or something like regret: just last week I was thinking about how I had enough reasons to get estranged five times over, and that I am surprised it took until 2021.

That all this above (weird family dynamics, generational trauma, and culture war nonsense) gets in the way of caring and grieving. Here I am talking about negotiating how to be cool, and not the quality of my father's life, or the quality of our relationship. Sad.

---

At any rate, since my family is expecting me Tuesday, I'm going Monday (tomorrow), after my last counseling session.

Thanks for listening! I'll update after the no doubt fraught visit!

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck, Oak, be sure to make your first priority being compassionate to yourself

[troebia]

Oak, so sad. I would encourage you to put on spiritual armor while you are there. Being present at a family funeral has a certain importance because of what it signals, and it will be appreciated and remembered, not least by yourself.

I was not at my own estranged father's funeral, being less mature. It was also a less convenient era of travel at the other end of Europe, but that is not an excuse. Much later, while visiting his grave his passing was already an abstraction since I had not seen, had not been at the ceremony and in hindsight I regret it.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Wishing you well in this difficult time...
Perhaps you can have a word or two with your father alone. Even if he's not awake, perhaps he can still know you're there. And seeing him this last time might be good for you too.

A thought - In the 2.5 years that you've avoided contact with your family, you've probably been able to better see and understand the interpersonal dynamics involved ("the dance") without having the immediate emotional overlay to contend with.

So, if and when anyone "baits" you, you have a chance to pause for a moment or two before engaging, and not just getting sucked in.

Check in and let us know how you're doing.

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Kia Ora Oak.

Thank you for keeping us in the loop, we are here for you as a collective community of people who care deeply.

Having been in similar situation with my father before his passing I feel your emotion pain. Being torn in multiple emotional states and trying to work out the best approach for you and your dad’s situation. When there is separation of some kind it breeds conflict of thoughts and grief. It almost seems like you’re walking through some sort of grey clouds not seeing anyone colour in the world anymore.

So what’s right for you and not anyone else.

[oak]

Friends, I just got back, and it went as well as it could. Thank you for your messages! They gave me courage.

TW: non-graphic descriptions of active dying.

My father
I tell myself he oriented himself to me
My sisters, brothers in law, and mother
Next steps: no funeral. Will post more about his life


My father

"Oh..." I said when I first saw my father.

Perhaps you all, and especially Mental Fairy in her work, have heard and seen that "Oh..." from family members when someone sees what is left of their actively dying loved one.

All of the religion, politics, money, and resentments: they meant so much and now mean nothing.

I would not have recognized the person in the nursing home bed. He was gaunt, more corpse/skeleton than human. He was gasping for breath, mouth agape, and eyes unfocused and half open.

I hate the idea of that being my last memory of him, seeing him like that.

I tell myself he oriented himself to me

To back up, I arrived at the nursing home room, and my two reasonable sisters and their husbands were there.

I was about to launch into saying something, when as soon as I saw what is left of my father all I could say was "Oh...".

They excused themselves, and I spent 5-10 minutes gently rubbing his arm and telling him the important things.

Though on high doses of morphine and more dead than alive, I like to think that he oriented his face towards me. I really believe he turned toward me. I saw it.

I've seen on Reddit that dying/comatose people can hear, so that's what I'll tell myself.

My sisters, brothers in law, and mother

To their credit, my mother, sisters, and brothers in law were kind and welcoming to me. They smiled at me and thanked me for coming. I thanked them for having me, and offered to be of any assistance.

This was about my father, and we all demonstrated more maturity than in years past.

Next steps: no funeral. Will post more about his life

My sister stated the two-week prognosis was downgraded to "today or tomorrow". And my experienced firefighter brother in law said that my father already has the ashen pallor.

I understand they are not planning on having a funeral, and nothing more is expected of me. They said they may be in touch to offer me a final goodbye, but if that goes anything like today it should be cool. Still, I suggested this was my goodbye.

Final thoughts, for now

Friends, there is more I'd like to say soon, especially about my father's good qualities and real failures. Also, I will be grieving the person I've been closest to my entire life.

But for now, I can just sit with these feelings, complex and difficult as they are.

[Mental Fairy]

Death, or dying brings a new perspective on what is important in life. Everything else, material things or otherwise just fall away.

With death comes new life, meaning new life for the people or person left behind.

We are spectator's to the death of a loved one or someone we know, do things in different ways, say things or plan things we would never normally agree too. More so because we want to make ourselves or the others around us feel better in such a confronting moment. That moment can last for seconds, minutes, hours, days or years.

Be careful of your thoughts and just allow the grief to flow. Resistance to grief will brew trouble later on down the track.

Here for you.

[manuel_moe_g]

Everyone else is saying it much better than i ever could

so happy to see my friends tending with such care to my good friend Oak, in his time of need

[oak]

Thank you Mental Fairy and Manuel Moe.

I just found out he died. I was there at 11:30 am, and he died at 4 pm.

I am glad they invited me, and that I had went a day sooner than I anticipated.

He had considerable suffering, I understand, in the previous year. There was not much of him left by the time I saw him today, so he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

So much is left unaddressed, to say nothing of fixed. And there is much I can do to live better. But that will have to wait for another time.

I'll post more in the next few days, but for now I am grateful I got to say goodbye.

You all were the first people I thought of. Thanks for listening!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak, by your description of him he was very much in last hours. My heart sunk when i was reading the post.
I am thinking of you.

Yes, there will be a lot of unanswered questions and unsaid words my friend but you will learn much as I did that this all will play a significant part in who you are moving forward.

Here for you. One day at a time. You’re going to experience some really complex emotions that might bubble up in other aspects of your life. Hang in there and we will back you.

Hugs from NZ.