Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

I also loved the post. It feels like your moving forward in many ways but the in law is your energy sucker. How long does she have to be there for?

[troebia]

How long does she have to be there for?

Until death do us part.

I wouldn't feel it was such a problem if it weren't for the way she is allowed to suck the air out of the room. For example, I mostly see my wife only in profile at the dinner table. We have talked privately about this and other moments which I consider as affronts to our privacy as a couple, but according to my wife I'm only exaggerating and making things more difficult. It has become a vicious circle: part of her brain is consciously and unconsciously always with her mother, 24/7, and our dialogue as a couple is often reduced to practical decisions about food, cleaning, laundry. Of course I could go upstairs right now and tell my wife we're eating out tonight as a couple and that moment will be better, but we can't do that every night or even twice a week. I'm longing for sustainable equilibrium.

[oak]

Troebia, thanks for your post; each of the three sections are interesting.

I have a lot on my plate lately, so I can’t give your post the reply it deserves, but please know I am glad you are posting and look forward to new posts.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh my gosh, for life? This is a massive disgruntlement to live with.
I would imagine this would cause some resentment on multiple levels.
Was it always going to be a permanent situation?

[troebia]

Was it always going to be a permanent situation?

It's a cultural thing here, most families will take turns with their aging parents but we are the only ones in her family with the space and "extra" time. Even the best, expensive retirement homes are generally avoided in Spain and the ones with basic healthcare are pretty gruesome. I've seen a couple of them and mainly the worst and saddest cases will go there: either the person doesn't have any remaining family at all that are able to tend to them, or they are so care intensive that the only other option is to pay for a full-time carer... which most families can't.

[lutherangirl]

My husband and I read a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. There are quizzes in the back of the book that will give each person their "love language". Once both parties recognize what their partner's love language is and, act on it, the relationship grows stronger. This helps with all kinds of relationships and really saved ours; although the mental issues my husband has to deal with from me is still a work in progress.

lg

[troebia]

I'm sorry, I took the personality test at the website and it seems to impose a dichotomy between sexual and material gratification. Maybe I'm too complicated and weird to be pigeon-holed, I don't know. Your mileage may vary.

[troebia]

I plan to wean myself off vortioxetine in the coming weeks. Three reasons:

1. I prefer not to be dependent on a daily dose of a mind-altering drug with its possible long-term effects on the brain.
2. My creativity is affected by the drug in the sense that I no longer seem to have access to a full spectrum of emotions.
3. I have grown more mentally resilient in the last couple of months with the aid of therapy. I now have a toolkit of exercises that works against sudden anxiety attacks and tinnitus spikes.

Anyhow I'll be documenting my experiences here. At the moment I have peaceful dreams although my sleep is interrupted for two hours every night. I do not take Xanax (alprazolam) habitually.

[Mental Fairy]

We are here for you through this journey of coming off it. Not the same for everyone so please be kind to yourself through this next stage. Personally, I found it harder coming off than going on. Kind of like a horse or a donkey!
I did think about you this morning and how I miss your art.
Hang in there.

[troebia]

Thank you MF.

My progress is surprising in the sense that I expected more immediate negative effects. I now have experience with this particular drug and can be constantly vigilant of the withdrawal symptoms.

• So far dreams at night have become darker and more complex. I am not a positive and optimistic person at heart, so this feels like a return to my natural self.
• The weird energy rushes are subsiding and are now below my level of consciousness. If the "downwards" path is anything like the "upwards" one, I now expect the occasional brain fart, vertigo and disorientation. I hope to be able to control myself and I now have the advantage of being aware of this possibly happening.
• What I didn't expect is that the vortioxetine apparently helps to mask the tinnitus, so I now have to make an extra effort to ignore it.
• Resting "unproductively" now feels different since I feel less jacked up. For example, I have a problem with a piece of machinery right now and I'm able to think that it can wait a couple of days.

Here's a recent abstract landscape:

IMG_20240204_113842b.jpg (102.36 KiB) Viewed 842 times