Mind Body and Trauma

[troebia]

As you have read I have been rather open about things on Troebias thread. Normally I wouldn’t be like this but since the process of meditation and self reflection I felt I needed to express things as they are. It’s been really helpful to feel connected to you all. We are all very vulnerable and beautiful as we are.

MF, I also think it's positive to be able to express things freely here. I don't care if some may think that my latest diary post revealed some sort of obsession. It crossed my mind yesterday during Italian class when I felt mentally mangled by our teacher who is "easy on the eyes". She is really intense but I have never had a single sexual thought about her. Also, while drawing and painting I don't go into erotic territory because my goals are more abstract and on another plane.

My nice brother is having an affair with the towns main euthanasia doctor, she used to work here at our clinic next door on the medical side. She is drop dead gorgeous and a white water kayaker like him. Meanwhile my sister in law fights MS.

Wow, this could become a novel with twists and surprising turns.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

it’s called The Convert - NZ film.

Thanks for the heads-up, I'll look out for it.

I've recently seen "One Love" about Bob Marely, and "American Fiction", both of which are worth a look.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Well it’s been a heck of a week.

Work has been so incredibly busy. We are booked out till late June currently for routine dental treatment. Emergency books are filling up by 9am most mornings.

Donya is loving working with us. It’s been amazing to work with my closest friend. I’ve never had a close friend before. We never have awkward conversations or silence. I wish I had a friend like this in high school, maybe I wouldn’t had been so miserable and misunderstood. I might have become more confident and comfortable around people.

I’ve been having odd nights, dreams of being in my childhood home I shared with my grandparents. Standing in the dining room as each individual family member came into the space one by one. It was Christmas Day and they were asking why I hadn’t cooked Christmas dinner. I looked at each person, dead and alive. I raised my arms and said I will not cook for them nor did they deserve my food. Yet underneath the anger and frustration I felt I needed to lay them to rest. It was odd. I woke feeling really confused.

The neighbours cat is currently under my care while the owners are away again for two weeks. One week down and one to go. For some reason every night when I go over there to cuddle and feed her I get emotional. I sit and tell her about my day. I always end up shedding a tear.
Last night our cat Mazie was hard to find to bring her in for the night. We looked everywhere. I had just come home from nursing Leo assuming the boys would have got her in already as it was dark early. I found she wasn’t home and started looking in trees and bushes. After calling and shaking her treats for 20min I started to panic a little inside. Matt got up and came to help, eventually after I extended my search area I heard Matt say he found her. About five minutes before I noticed myself fighting an internal panic. I got all these horrible thoughts and asking myself how I would cope with further loss if she was hurt somewhere or lost. I know this sounds dramatic and nuts. I was trying to stop myself from sitting down and crying. To see her again jump down from the fence, I got this huge overwhelming feeling of joy and peace. She then spent the rest of the night vomiting up fur-balls. I ended up following her around the house cleaning up piles of sick!

The feeling I had when I was unable to find cat was weird. Loss, grief and anxiety seem to rule my life. It’s horrible and I wish I knew how to cope with these feelings.

I’ve woken this morning one year older and somber. I turned my phone to silent so I didn’t take any calls from anyone. Silly I know. Birthdays are not my thing. I thought about taking something to put down on my twins grave but I’ve never done that before so why start now. On the little sleep I had thanks to the cat, I got up early and went for a long run. Felt great. Missed three calls so far. Just sent thank you texts.
Donya is taking me to a movie at 2pm so I don’t have to see drunken uncle. Best gift ever!

Gosh I sound horrible!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Beautiful People

Monday: dark sky’s, colder days = happy me

Sunday: spent avoiding all people annoying so I didn’t blow my top. Even my husband declined to see drunken uncle while i was at movies with Donya. That surprised me. He said he can’t face him alone on a Sunday.

The movie was great for anyone wanting to understand the Moari people and their iwi more. The battles and the story line was very moving. Donya was even more engrossed as she’s from Iran and not aware of the brutal history of Europeans coming here.
After the movie I took her to the local Moari pa sites to show her the true locations of where the movie was based. Took her to the grave sites of the local warriors from both sides of the battles. Then to the river where the two tribes clashed.
We were both moved so deeply by the movie. What’s incredible is she handed me my birthday present before the movie. When I opened it after the movie I burst into tears as the gifts were represented in the movie also. Will take a photo for you.

I’m struggling with emotions lately. Been very teary in so many ways. Avoiding touch at all costs. I know it’s hard on Joe. When he so much as hugs me I feel worthless towards myself, I feel sorry for him putting up with me. I don’t feel attractive at all currently.

Donya is on the operating table currently having all her women bits removed because of the cancer. I feel useless. I’ve never had a friend before, not like this. F*#k Cancer. It’s taken so much away from us.

Back soon, it’s my day off and I need to paint some of the kitchen. I have housework to do but I would rather rip off my toenails and eat them than wipe dust.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Looking forward to seeing the film.
Difficult to see, I'm sure, but we need to bear witness to all the shit that's happened in the past. It's the only way to understand and build bridges when so many forces are trying to tribalize and divide us again these days..

Avoiding touch at all costs

May I gently encourage you to accept hugs?
Maybe to initiate one or two?
There are so many lonely souls in this world, desperately looking for some contact and connection. Take advantage of what you have.

(Sorry if all this sounds sappy, but what the hell).

[Mental Fairy]

I do enjoy a good hug. Just feel yuck currently. Trying to be more patient with myself.

Managed to paint most of kitchen, doors half done with one coat. Light sand when dry and do next coat maybe tomorrow night.

Donya is still on operation table. I’m worried sick and trying to stay active. Been watching Netflix show Blown Up. Love it.

I will try a hug but not making any promises!

The difference with hugs is when you hug someone that doesn’t understand it doesn’t feel authentic. If you hug someone who does, then the hug melts.
It’s the same with kissing. There is so many variations of this simple act that it can mean so much and yet so little.

[Mental Fairy]

Present number one from Donya

[Mental Fairy]

Gift number two. The feather is a big thing for me. I was told by my grandad that a feather found is a gift sent from an ancestor. You pick the feather up, place it on your hand and blow onto it. You reply with a message back.
I always pick up feathers.
The one Donya has given me is made of bone.

[Mental Fairy]

Whakataka te hau ki te uru
Whakataka te hau ki te tonga
Kia mākinakina ki uta
Kia mātaratara ki tai
E hī ake ana te atakura
He tio, he huka, he hau hū
Tīhei mauri ora!

Cease the winds from the west
Cease the winds from the south
Let the breeze blow over the land
Let the breeze blow over the ocean
Let the red-tipped dawn come with a sharpened air.
A touch of frost, a promise of a glorious day.


First prayer I learnt when I did my Te Reo Maori.

[snoringdog]

A touch of frost, a promise of a glorious day.

Ha!