Feeling sad about my marriage

[manuel_moe_g]

Feeling blue because just got a terrible abusive yell from my wife

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

I'm sorry to hear that.
I hate when voices are raised. It often makes me withdraw, which I guess is the same for you?
(We tend toward giving each other the silent treatment, which isn't too healthy either...)

I just happened to be listening to an audio book called Desperate Marriages, where verbal abuse is one of the topics. Haven't focused on it, but exploring motivations is the approach the author takes. We're all looking to get needs fulfilled and take different courses to try to get there.

Is there any constructive way to explore this interaction?
(It's probably a habit by now, as these things usually become...)

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello SnoringDog

It is too soon. When this happens I totally withdraw mentally - just like you said.

I married someone 100% because I felt she loved me when I was unlovable. In many ways my headspace never left that place — I am full of self-hatred.

I value the marriage and she does not. She has a terrible rage-full temper, she would never allow me grace or understanding, she cannot conceive that she isn’t 100% correct about everything, she does not think that ADHD, Depression, Autism-spectrum are actual things, when I do something she doesn’t like she assumes I do it on purpose to hurt her.

My therapist wants me to remind myself I will not be in this terrible mental place forever, but my depression makes me think all is hopeless

[snoringdog]

when I do something she doesn’t like she assumes I do it on purpose to hurt her.

So I guess that's where the rage response comes from, her feeling hurt or ignored.
How to help her understand that that's not what you're trying to do...?

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I feel like a failure when I let her down, but I think she wants things from me I can’t provide or promise

[troebia]

she cannot conceive that she isn’t 100% correct about everything

This is textbook emotional abuse. My wife had these tendencies, but a key moment to recovery and self-insight for her may have been when she dragged me to therapy because I "didn't comply" and the therapist sank his teeth into her instead of me. Short of therapy, just having a relaxed conversation about it with a trusted well-meaning 3rd party may also help.

I believe in negative conditioning and negative reinforcement (Skinner et al.). Negative conditioning is that whenever she abuses you for something, you do something that she likes even less but can't really consider as a retaliation. For example you say: "That's enough. I'm going fishing" and leave the house for the rest of the day. Negative reinforcement is doing something good for her whenever she hasn't abused you in a situation where she previously may have done so. For example, take her out to dinner after a good stretch without abuse.

[manuel_moe_g]

I have some work to do this week on communication in my marriage. It is so important to try to prevent toxic & fatal resentment from building. Going to craft a text message around the theme of resenting that my physical & sexual needs are treated as a non-issue. I have no interest in my wife participating in anything she doesn’t really feel, but having my needs treated like a non-issue is painful.

[troebia]

Sending a text first instead of speaking may be a good idea, especially if you know she won't be receptive. A text or email can't be shouted back to or deflected in the way an in-your-face comment can be.

I don't remember if you've told us here, but have you been to couples therapy?

[manuel_moe_g]

My wife would never go to couples counseling. She is Buddhist and I offered for us to get counseling from a monk, she said no

[troebia]

Manuel, why not try to get away for a few days alone like MF does, to process your thoughts? In your latest posts it sounds like you are under constant pressure and it's hard to think straight like that. Action. Do you maybe have a relative in another town you can visit and stay at? My advice would be to present it as a matter of fact to your wife, without discussion. If she inquires about the motives of your trip while you're away, you could insist on couples counselling..

My guess is that your partner refuses and even fears therapy because she very well knows that anyone on the outside would see how she abuses you.