Mind Body and Trauma

[manuel_moe_g]

I am sorry to hear that, Mental Fairy.

In my own marriage, I am moving slow because I want to communicate clearly and completely

I am wishing you the very best

[Mental Fairy]

Hi MM
The talks have begun about what we do and what happens with separation. Try keep as clean and less combative as possible. The last three months I’ve seen a massive void.
There is absolutely zero intimacy and no attraction from my side. I can’t even begin to explain how bad that feels. I feel like I’m in this marriage for all the wrong reasons.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. Marriage is hard.

We got married coming out of the Christian fundamentalist group we were in. (No one was "good enough" to get married while in. Perpetually under a microscope and being judged).
So, we both had a lot of baggage to unpack. I know I was depressed and angry and a poor communicator. If I had it to do over, I'd try to be more supportive and understanding, and less defensive, but I was wrapped up in my own turmoil.

At some point years ago, we were cleaning out a closet and I noticed that my wife's wedding dress was gone. When I asked about it, she said that at one point she was so angry with me that she'd thrown it in the garbage! I'm ashamed of that.

Whatever you decide, yes, try to keep the emotional and blame components minimized (so hard!). They can feel good, but they're not helpful. (Mine tend inward, to bad effect).

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Funny you said that about wedding dream. I did the same about four weeks ago!

[snoringdog]

That's kinda sad.

Under better circumstances I suppose they could be donated to a good cause.

My niece recently got married in a 1920's wedding dress she found that was quite understated and elegant.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

Me again!

Update is, i am struggling to make sense of things in my home life. Is my marriage worth saving, that i am very unsure. Joe got home last night after a couple of texts. He said he wanted to talk face to face but was unable to even do that. We just exist, there is nothing there. It's a conversation we seem to dance around daily. Waiting for the other to pull the pin. Both weak in a way. Knowing what this will mean. Selling the house or buying out of a share maybe.

I have not been coping with the mediation increase to slow the rate of bowel disease down. Have almost lost my vocals due to consistent colds one after the other. Cough is consistent. Meeting next week to talk about plan moving forward as my bloods show liver is not liking things either. I am going with the flow when it comes to this department.

Last weekend took off inland opposed to going up the hill (mountain). Went to a place on the forgotten highway with a friend, staying in a hunters hut with zero contact with the outside world for 24 hours. What a magic feeling to wake up in the depths of a native inland bush surrounded in beautiful morning fog. The silence was so incredible. I can't even begin to describe how quite it was.

The night we arrived i saw a beautiful possum run from the deck of the hut to the shed, his tail was so adorable, typical me parks the car and goes after him. I have this terrible habit of patting anything with four legs, sometimes two!! Poor little guy got so scared he ran into an area where he was hanging on for his life between two walls of slatted wood. Once i was satisfied i wasn't going to get a cuddle i focused my attention back on the hut. Honestly out of all the huts i have stayed in this one was by far the nicest hut i have ever been in. We lit the fire, lit a candle and just relaxed into a blissful evening. Never in my life have i felt so good to be somewhere so remote. It was so different to the mountain silence. In the mountains you get what i call whispers. Whispers of wind through the tussock at lower levels, whispers of wind floating through the rocky areas. They ebb and flow with the weather. The headspace becomes bearable again.
Overnight the mist rolled in causing the moon to look like it was being rubbed out with a shit eraser. The hut was so dam hot from the fire that was blazing away i slept in my birthday suit for the first time ever. I have never ever done this before. Not even at home. It felt so primal. I know this might sound odd to some but it really was intoxicating to have such freedom.
Upon waking i craved the coolness of the air outside.....guess what i did! yip you guessed it....wow what a feeling. Outside on the deck, butt naked as the day i was born. It was brief by so good to feel the contrast of the heat and the coolness. The dew of the air settling on my skin.
We fired up the generator to have a warm shower and packed up ready for the long drive back to New Plymouth. I was torn between the worlds, but also pining for the mountain.
I did take my sweet time coming home, i really didn't want to return.

Back to work today, having spent most of yesterday cleaning and shampooing my car back to showroom shine post trip. Took three lots of washing to get all the mud and dust off it. I don't like to have a dirty car...

Mentally i am having my moments of not knowing what way to turn. I will be honest and say i am not at all attracted to my husband. More so because of his own mindset of not wanting to be active. Not wishing to participate in adventures and times in the hills. It is all about work for him and couch.
Two weeks ago his hours at work was cut drastically as redundancies are happening all over the country. He will be going back on the road to drive long haul by the sound of it. At the end of the day we are staying in our situation out of convivence and pity i believe.

This week our clinic is on-call so my weekend will be here in clinic until late afternoon Sunday. I plan on packing the car up in the morning and heading back up the hill on Sunday night to have a night to myself in the snow. I will keep my clothing on up there!

Thinking of you all.
Gia

[manuel_moe_g]

Thank you for the update, Mental Fairy!

I feel so bad the connection and spark is lost between you and your husband

[Mental Fairy]

Please don’t feel bad. We all have a similar understanding I feel on this topic. Sadly I don’t see any evidence to suggest we can make this work.
Since coming back from that trip down south I’ve noticed changers. The challenges we faced together were bitter sweet in a way. I’m not sure he will be open to talk things through purely because I want to keep moving forward in life and keep challenging myself and progressing, he does not.

It was good at times, not all the time. No marriage is. How we will navigate this next stage I don’t know. At the end of the day I have some support but sadly no one around me will understand.

For years (12+) I had stopped doing the things I wanted just to please him. I stopped climbing, I stopped tramping, I stopped hiking, I stopped attending events. More so because Matt was young and I wanted to keep the peace.
With my health I was fighting the disease and losing more bowel by the year.
Once I crashed mentally I learnt what low points really meant. I learnt what suicidal thoughts really felt like. I learnt it took strength to take one’s life.
But I also learnt it takes strength to gain back your life, to claw back bit by bit. Sure my health isn’t exactly first class and I don’t think there will ever be a cure for this bowel but I sure am heck and going to live and love my life in a different way.
To wake up on Sunday morning and stand in the most beautiful quiet place I’ve ever been I truely knew that life under my roof at home isn’t healthy either.

I adore you MM. you’re a beautiful person and have a wonderful soul.

[Mental Fairy]

Not sure what’s more tiring. The fact I can keep bouncing around work like nothing is wrong or the cold I’ve had for weeks.

People are starting to ask and I have managed to deflect. I have no idea what to say. Feeling of failure is a little prominent currently.

[manuel_moe_g]

People are starting to ask and I have managed to deflect.

Starting to ask about your lingering cold?