Feeling sad about my marriage

[manuel_moe_g]

A feeling came over me, that I deserve to give myself <<big>> credit for clearly and unambiguously stating my needs in the relationship going forward. No way I could have done this a year ago — the bravery just wasn’t there. I deserve big pats on the back and big hugs.

[manuel_moe_g]

Now begins the process of negotiation. Will not jump drastically into anything. I have to do right by myself. I have to build up my "in-person" relationships - I can't continue to have my wife be such a huge percentage of my in-person social life. Head down, do the work, slow but irreversible self-improvement and advocating for my needs.

[troebia]

I can't continue to have my wife be such a huge percentage of my in-person social life.

This. If you're living not too far from an urban area, you could join a study or skills course. Maybe Spanish or carpentry, something like that. Dancing? Move the center of gravity in your social life.

Yesterday I was at a drawing meetup and you crossed my mind. There's a wide range of social skills involved in using crammed local transport, greeting people, talking, being in a group. For a little while, I'm part of something outside my wife and MIL It feels essential.

[Mental Fairy]

I want to reach out and give you all massive hugs.
My heart is breaking reading the posts about marriage. I’m learning the importance of clear communication and pure honesty even if the other person finds it hard to hear.
Joe and I tried talking yesterday about what to do with house. There’s so many different memories made under this roof and not all are good and positive. Struggling with the emotions currently. Genuinely feeling incredible grief.

[troebia]

We all seem to be at different stages in the disintegration of our relationships. MM at decision paralysis, knowing things can't go on as before but not having a roadmap yet. MF already over the hump, having plans and beginning to take action.

[snoringdog]

I want to add to this thread, but cogency is hard at the moment, so FWIW -

Thoughts on my marriage -

We’ve each wanted to walk out a few times over the years, in anger and frustration.
My faults have been my self absorption, negativity, defensiveness, depressive symptoms, indecisiveness.

Feeling "wary" of each other. Misreading cues or actions, and maintaining these assumptions
I never learned to use endearments like "honey, sweetie, darling". I regret this now.
Never really had a "sit-down" in the very beginning to discuss major things like children, finances, etc. Seemed too formal.

Mis-understanding each others motives. Withdrawing instead of communicating.
Each have emotional reactions instead of responsiveness toward the other.
Not understanding or recognizing what's important on a daily basis (like straightening up the house, etc.)

Tried marriage counselling a few times, but it didn't seem to "stick".
Never had too much daily physical contact - normal hugs, caresses, etc.
(Neither family did this apparently).

At the beginning of Covid, we had a general wariness of contagion, a general feeling of being separate, and concurrent painfulness during sex on her part. I just withdrew, and self-satisfaction just seemed a lot easier than negotiation and any potential of a decline of my advances. Silent acquiescence on her part, haven't discussed this yet.

Questions I think about, and we should discuss

“What do we each want out of this anyway?”

“What is it like to live with me?” (From a book I picked up.)

“When was the last time we laughed together about something?”

"If we separate, what will be better, What will be worse?"

SD

[troebia]

SD, a very insightful post that made me both smile and cringe, recognising similarities with my own marriage.

Some differences I'd like to share: Couples therapy actually worked (for a while) for my wife and me, maybe for one important reason: we had a big reno project and we were like two sailors or pilots in a storm taking turn at the helm while also each doing specialised work. If one of us had abandoned ship, it would instantly have come crashing against the cliffs and sunk. Imo it was only that realisation that bent my wife into saying unheard things in therapy like "I'm sorry" or "You're right and I'm wrong in this issue" and even "I will try to improve". She even sought out a specific lubricant that made sex not painful for her, although not desirable.

Now, things are different and I often feel like someone who is tolerated rather than desired. There are no longer any hugs initiated by her, and even though they were just prescribed by the therapist I miss them now.

Household is like a well-oiled machine.
Something missing? Get it.
Something broken? Fix it.
Something dirty? Clean it.
No emotion, only cold logic.

[manuel_moe_g]

Growing up, my parents had no “chill”, no ability “to chill”. I learned to tolerate that shit, so I married a woman who also has no ability “to chill”. Ugh, any deviation from perfection is an excuse to dump on nearby family member

~~~~~~~~

Sorry everyone, we seem to be all members of the “unlucky in marriage” club

[troebia]

Sorry everyone, we seem to be all members of the “unlucky in marriage” club

But you were right about the "...so I chose". For me, it was to have preferred a partner with a strong sense of direction because my parents had none, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

Yesterday my wife and my visiting sister-in-law both criticised me for "trying to ignore" MIL in my home and making her feel "unwelcome". I said the only way I can tolerate her 24/7 presence is to not engage, and that I need some breathers and some privacy in my own home. It was a fool's errand trying to argue this but I had to say my piece.

The situation is getting out of hand, something has been put in motion. We had some good years and our daughter has become a sensible adult with a career. I now feel more broken than ever, older, frailer and without future prospects. Hard decisions ahead. MGTOW now? I don't have the strength for that anymore (or the ideology), or to put up a fight in a messy divorce. I will probably make a lot of mistakes and bad decisions whatever I choose to do.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yesterday my wife and my visiting sister-in-law both criticised me for "trying to ignore" MIL in my home and making her feel "unwelcome". I said the only way I can tolerate her 24/7 presence is to not engage, and that I need some breathers and some privacy in my own home. It was a fool's errand trying to argue this but I had to say my piece.

I am glad you spoke the issue out loud clearly and with due seriousness and intensity. You deserve peace, comfort, privacy in your own home