Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hey beautiful people.

There is sooooo much I need to fill you all in on but I’m worried my keyboard will catch fire or be a potential medical claim for broken fingers from typing so much.

I think I’ve managed to escape the confines of my house every weekend for at least two to three nights. I can be found on a hill, at the top of a hill or below a hill. Some hills have forest, some have snow and many have worn paths now from my boots!

Last Sunday night I took off to our camphouse on North Egmont. My favourite location in a thunder storm. My dear friend from my young 20s joined me. We watched at the storm clouds rolled in over the city below. Hints of lightning flashing in the distance. Stillness on the mountain where I was sitting. 20 min later it rolled in. It was gorgeous rain. White noise on the tin roof settled us off to sleep like to bears in blankets. Coming back down to sea level is always hard.

I am back running. Back on a training plan. This is week two. Today did a good 10km run with better breathing control. Fitness has changed a lot over the weeks not running. But being in the hills has helped with the thighs.
Joe is still living in the house downstairs currently. We are keeping things very amicable and mature. It’s remarkable now looking at what I tolerated from a distance.
Many years Joe would never tell people what I did for a living. I was a lady who worked at a fish and chip takeaway place. Not a dental and medical professional. I don’t understand why he did this. Plus he trained our son to say the same.

We had a good talk last Friday where I came clean and told him how unhappy I was. How our paths were so different from each other. I can see things now from a different perspective.
The texting has stopped to almost nothing. Zero attraction from my behalf and has been for a while. He did cry the other night for the first time in a while. Never seen him actually cry.

I’ve not told anyone at work as yet. Just Donya. She’s been amazing.
My sleep has improved as well as my stress levels.

Changing my name back bit by bit for all sorts of memberships and things has been the most uplifting feeling. The more I do it the lighter I feel.

Who knows how long this will all take as there is a household to sort out. It’s freeing to allow yourself to focus on yourself in totality. It’s also hard some days and I want to cry all the time. My car boot is full of little things to help set myself up more. Basics of life. I don’t always need creature comforts thankfully.

I am a kiwi after all!

[Mental Fairy]

Monday morning after storm

[Mental Fairy]

My happy place

[Mental Fairy]

From the hut I go to inland of Taranaki.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, I love these photos, so epic

So strange Joe wouldn’t tell people you were a medical professional. I wonder what the underlying fear was.

Please be so very wonderful to yourself, Mental Fairy!

[troebia]

So strange Joe wouldn’t tell people you were a medical professional. I wonder what the underlying fear was.

This is classic inferiority complex mixed with male chauvinism that belittles women and their achievements.

[Mental Fairy]

The sad thing is Matt does it too. Makes me feel sick when I hear it

[Mental Fairy]

Hi beautiful people

It’s been a few days, hectic and distracting. Maybe not a good thing?

Since the separation of my marriage I’ve learnt things happen in waves during this period of time.

As mentioned before grief runs very parallel with this emotional process.

As you’re all aware i tend to run for the hills when I need to escape. Something I’ve been doing for many weekends now. Seven plus I think. Even with the seperate lives Joe and I live he still seems to hold a lot of control. It’s only just been made obvious to me now how septic my life was with hun.
Friday last week I packed my car and planned to head to Auckland to do a days work with the boss to help him out. After work on Saturday I planned to drive back down to Moki hills and do some time in the bush and hills. Upon leaving New Plymouth my phone notified me I had an apple tag somewhere close by. Thinking it was picking up on a car in front I ignored it. Then it kept happening. Then I clicked, I’m being tracked. I thought to myself there was no way Joe would do this. Boy was I wrong. I called my boss and he said he was going to cancel Saturday due to having the flu. I promptly took a turn off and went inland towards the nearest bush line. Making my way to the forgotten highway my phone kept going off with an alert. Then it stopped, surely because I have absolutely no range where I go. I kept trying to convince myself it wasn’t true. I got to the cabin just on nightfall. I told a couple of people and we went looking in the car, found nothing. Upon going to bed I heard a car pull up not far from the bush entrance, I noticed it was familiar. It was my ex and our son. They soon took off again.
Let me make one thing very clear, this area is so remote and unknown to others, there is absolutely no way anyone would know where to go without satellite navigation that’s very accurate. Even I drove past it twice to locate it. There is only a generator for power briefly if we need it and no hot water. There is two sets of locked gates to protect the kiwi enclosure also. It’s 14,000+ hectares of forestry area. There was absolutely no way they could have found me without a tag located on me or in my car.
On day two I did a big walk into the hills, observing wild boar, deer and bird life. Hours later I get back and help load up a friend’s trailer full of wood to take back to Urenui for families in need of firewood. Climbing into the Ute and leaving my car at the cabin we make our way south. One lane roads, not sealed and no real location markers I notice a vehicle coming towards us. It’s Joe, my ex husband. He has absolutely no idea I’m in this Ute, so I thought. We pass each other and immediately his Ute turns around. He must of seen me. The driver of the Ute I’m in pulls over and I get out and confront him. I say nothing about the tracking device I am aware of on my car. He claims he’s on a weekend drive and said he misses me, wants to reconsider mending the marriage. Hell no.

Sunday come around, I load up my car with running kit and make my way to coastline to do some running. My car never notified me of device until I was making my way back to the bush later in the day. Sure enough my anger took over, it took two of us to find the tag, it was planted in my boot in a really tricky spot. Fully planted and intensional. I got a hammer and smashed it, I did take a photo of it and kept it for the police if I needed it.

On my way back to the city last night I asked to talk to both the boys. We had a meeting, explaining what they did was illegal, disgusting behaviour and down right creepy I informed them I could press chargers. Our son is bitter I have asked for divorce. He begged me not to do it, he’s 20 in September. After the anger and heat of the conversation I went downstairs and talked to Joe, he has been living down in the spare rooms until we sell the house and he starts new job.

His explanation was he can’t accept we are over, he can’t accept the marriage is ending. He wanted to fight for it, he wanted to know why I go bush, why I climb, why I run. He was tracking me constantly and it makes me feel sick he’s taught our son these behaviours. My own son doesn’t understand why I go into nature, he would rather play PlayStation or watch tv. Both are unhealthy specimens.

For the first time in a long time I felt sick to the stomach with rage.

Sleepless night last night, cat even acting weird. My son won’t talk to me and my ex husband is weirder than I thought.
I look back now at all the comments of a women’s place in the household, how I work at a fish and chip shop and not dentistry. How he hates how I progress even on bad days.
Today I feel like I’ve drunk two kegs of coffee. So tired.

I look back on things now and see how controlled I was. How did I not see this coming.

[manuel_moe_g]

I look back on things now and see how controlled I was. How did I not see this coming.

I feel so sad. Why <control> when you can just <love>, both you boys? I feel sad you had this terrible experience, Mental Fairy.

[Mental Fairy]

Honestly I feel like I’ve been stripped of my identity for years, slowly I’m gaining it back