Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

I love the feedback, thank you. Especially the chair leaders!!

I got away for one night over the weekend. Ended up in an area I’ve never been before. My car came up with a fault the day before i left so got to take the work car. Beautiful to drive. I left late Sunday evening, only having to turn back half way as I forgot my boots to climb in. Got to a farming area where my friend works just after dark. With directions given to me by my friend I soon found myself parking next to a quad bike, a ute that looked like it had not been cleaned since it was purchased and a guy holding a rifle, grin on his face and blood on his hands. Normal people would reverse and get out of there. I was there for an adventure.

That morning my friend had killed two dear, they damage the plantations of redwoods to they need to be taken care of. Also a few possums were taken out of the ever growing population. Mission was to go in and recover the bodies and bring them back for skinning and cutting up to dish out to local families.

I climbed aboard the quad bike, straddling my friend, dog called Rage on my lap and his owner behind me protecting me from falling off the back. I called this event the Bromwich Sandwich, as the two men are brothers. Heading upwards into the night I was unable to work out my surroundings, I could see massive cliffs and tall redwoods, beautiful tussock and long stretches of plantations. But most of all I couldn’t help but notice, yet again, was the beauty of the night ski. It was a little overcast but I couldn’t help but get excited with that feeling of warm embrace when you see something so god dam beautiful. It blows my mind every single time.

After about 20min in, white knuckling my hold on the bike and the dog, who was trained to look for possums, we made it to the kill site.
As you’re all aware I don’t deal with death well, especially with animals. This was going to be the ultimate test. I saw dear one when I turned my headlamp on. I immediately averted my eyes and tried to hold onto the emotions and understand where they were coming from. I understand once it was explained to me about the reasons for the kill, why this had to happen. While the men took to loading the two dears in the trailer I heading for the hills for a walk with the dog at my side. Rage and I instantly connected and she come back to me with a whistle. She spotted a possum way up in the hills, we both locked eyes on the glowing of the eyes. All i had to do was point and off he went to the hill. I didn’t want this possum to get a cap in its arse but I knew it had to be done, Rage let out a barking signal and the owner Ben came up behind me with a rifle. He missed, i immediately felt relief. I didn’t want to see something live suddenly die again. Brad, my friend of 26 years came up with his rifle, he is a professional marksman and shoots from helicopters so I knew deep down this possum was about to meet its maker. With one pull of the trigger it was over. I was really conflicted in that moment. I felt sad, I felt relief, I felt raw. I closed my eyes for a moment and prayed. I’m not religious but I did it for the life of a creature. I well up just thinking of it. Death, the one event I know so well.

It was our time to make our way back to the shed to store the dear. Upon climbing on the quad bike Rage sat upon my right leg, poised at the ready for the next possum. I hoped there was to not be another one.

A few moments later we were making our way down the dirt road, I couldn’t stop looking up at the sky. It is so beautiful and vast out there. As Brad was backing up then trailer I saw a possum in the tree right in front of us. Rage immediately locked eyes and went to work. Ben missed again with the first shot, the possum practically walked up to him to get shot. Right to the head. Rage happy with glee for the next trophy to skin. This one didn’t affect me as much. I understand why it has to be done, I get the logistics behind the pest control but it’s still death after all. Again I said a little something under my breath.

Upon returning back to the farmhouse I felt really torn. I did have a cry. I would never of been able to do this sort of thing a year ago. It’s taken a lot of self discipline and progress to work on myself to understand my emotions and triggers.

I’m learning more about myself now than what i ever have.

That night however i only got two hours sleep!

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, you really are a storyteller, Mental Fairy!

So intense a night

I could never name a dog “Rage”, love all dogs too much

All blessings

[Mental Fairy]

Darn autocorrect, deer, not dear

[Mental Fairy]

I did rewrite it for Brad so he could understand the effect it had on me. Will copy and post

[Mental Fairy]

Sunday it was noted i had a fault in my car. Knowing the red light was cause for concern i opted to take the work car into the depths of the back country to spend some quality time with you.

You had shared with me he had killed two deer earlier in the day and was in need of getting them out of the area they were laying, exposed to the elements. Of course that meant i was tagging along for the adventure. Being me i was not to shy away from such events, however this included seeing something i have struggled with in the recent past. End of life. Even if it is for an animal. I am acutely aware this sounds odd to some.

Not long after sitting with my own mother as she bleed to death in my arms, coating my own arms and torso in the last remaining life left in her body, that no longer served it's purpose, i struggle with night terrors and images of life being drained away or taken, that one particular longstanding night terror that still manages to penetrate my brain waves at least twice a week. Even if i was being paid to do that role in my own job in the following years to come, i still find this part of life hard to escape. Even though that path is all set out for us from the beginning, the final chapter for all of us ends the same.

I recall weeks after returning back to New Plymouth, after spending five years in Otago, where i started running in the hills to avoid my grief, i was out on a so called recovery run - early hours, sun was not up and my focus was just on the few paces ahead of me. There in a short distance i saw a black mass. It was a black Labrador dog, taken in the night by a passing car maybe? The wave of emotion that stopped me in my tracks. That was someone's pet. This was the first time i really noticed how this part of my life was not healing. I did everything in my ability to forget that image. There were others i came across that i still won't talk about, including the cat that was purposefully killed in front of me because of who i was the daughter of.

So back to our shared adventure...

Upon arriving at the location on Sunday night, darkness upon us and stars a twinkling, i dawned on my boots and climbed on the quad bike, straddling you from behind, legs locked with fear. Rage the dog sat upon my right thigh, keen eye looking for possums. Your brother behind me informing me on his days events.

I honestly found that no matter where i go with you, i feel an element of safety and comfort. Under the stars i admire with such great interest, i had to remind myself how lucky i was. Yes, this is not your first rodeo but it was mine, especially up there in the them there hills. It was hard to make out the surroundings for me, as i was so taken by the stars and the surrounding hill close by. Something caught my eye. Two more eyes looking back at me. A possum. Say nothing. Breath.

We got to deer one. I took a breath in to prepare myself for the first glance of a dear, life taken for good reason. There is was, in the haze of my headlamp a lifeless body of an animal. A once living creature, its eyes once saw beauty of the bush, sights unseen by myself. Adventures lived in its own short life. Trauma. There is was. Laid bare. All the therapy in the world can't take away the sting of life, of death- Assumptions, dreams, desires, we all share these I'm sure, even if we have four legs or just the two, or less.

I walked away and made my way upwards, unbeknown to me deer two close by. I look up to take in the stars, Rage at my side. I ask internally for peace. To my left two eyes, there he/she was. Rage spotted it at the same time as me. Knowing the damage they cause i mention i have seen it, i effectively put a hit out on this animal. I watch on as your brother takes his rifle. I breathe in, hold.

You fire the shot, maybe a hit i understand. Hard to know. I admire your skills just that little bit more. Why, i understand now the reasoning behind the trigger. The end goal is all the same. To save what is left and sacrifice one thing for another to bloom.

For a brief moment i saw out the corner of my eye the two of you lifting the weight of this second deer. I too have lifted a dead weight, back into a bed, with the help of my brother. Back to clean her down, try insert and hold her swollen tongue in, remove the evidence of the turmoil of the hours before. Try make her presentable for her own mother to observe, to see no evidence of trauma installing events yet to effect the observers lives. I hold back my internal visions that plague me. No, not today mum. Not today.

I know the situation is completely different, the outcome is all the same. What next for this soul, what next for mine?

Making our way back to the start line of this adventure, i lean back on the bike to take in the remaining stars before the cloak of the night clouds wrap the dense particles around the beauty they shine. Something i have the pleasure of doing most mornings on my runs. The runs i use to clear the clouds in my own judgements. But why do they carry so much weight?

I look back and think of the man i came across in the silver peaks, the man who i gave my map to, so he could have two options, get more lost with his purposeful walk to his end of life journey or find safety. He was later found, having also succumbed to the end chapter with purposeful intention. My map later returned by a man in a blue uniform and a thank you card from his grieving family. I burnt that map.

Once the collection was complete, i glanced forward, there again, two more eyes, much closer this time. One miss, one direct hit, straight to the head. I took a breath, the prize for Rage, a lick of the brain. Prize awarded, thrown into the back of the Ute. I felt nothing after that. Nothing.

I have learnt a lot from this event.

I am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. I have still some work to do.

However, it is who you surround yourself with that gives you the strength and confidence to face your fears, demons or nightmares. With eyes wide open or eyes closed.

On forwards to more adventures, greater strength and more possibilities.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Your description of what you endured and had to deal with at the end of your mother's life is horrible to imagine - almost like something from a battle scene. No wonder it's still reverberating in your nervous system.
Beyond the immediacy of the death struggle, there's the heavy overlay of all the childhood emotional neglect and lack of nurturing that you deserved as a child....

And you've been struggling with night terrors for years now. There *must* be some help for that. So many suffer from Traumatic Stress Response, as it probably should be termed. There are horrors everywhere, every freaking day. Shit.

About the animals - Yes it's heart-wrenching. (I've had to put a few small animals out of their misery when faced with the situation).
The saving grace, if it is such, is that they seem to live in the moment and apparently don't always experience the kind of terror we might when we see death coming. (We discussed this a bit before, when Beany was around).

It certainly is sad when we need to kill human-introduced creatures to try to restore the balances that we've upset with our shortsightedness and intrusion. The least that can be asked I suppose is that it be done with a care.

But maybe except for the guns, we're part of the natural order ourselves, eating and being eaten from above and below.
Struggling to simply survive and trying to coexist peacefully with our neighbors and other neighboring tribes.
Our modern surroundings often remove us from the obvious struggle, but it's not very far away. Think foraging, farming, famine, floods, disease. Maybe it's weird, but the idea of global suffering makes things a little easier to take.

Quite sad about the man with the map, and certainly not what you'd hoped for. But purposeful intention.... maybe if he could have thought through things differently.... but who knows what he was laboring against?

I am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. I have still some work to do.

You are! And we all do.

Wishing you the best.

SD

[manuel_moe_g]

Man, I love this reply from SnoringDog

[troebia]

I think MF's stories of death are wonderfully ambiguous because you can unpack them in so many ways. I have been the one who gave away a map and inversely someone who refused to use it, for example. Also, the one bereaved and on another occasion, the killer. Who doesn't carry both grief and guilt?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi team

I’m overwhelmed with your responses. It’s beautiful to read.

A lot has been going on with work, trying to sort where to live, what way is up and what way is down.

My nurse who looks after my bowel situation asked me months ago to maybe mentor or help others in a similar situation. I agreed a while ago. Last Saturday night as I was settling in at the mountain lodge I got an email. A father of a 11 year old boy who is currently going through the worst of the disease; Multiple operations, infusions and 63 days of nursing an open surgical wound later the father wishes to have someone to talk too. His son is incredibly unwell and coming into the recovery phases of the same disease I have. I read the email and my heart aches for this young boy. I replied Tuesday when I thought about what I was going to reply with. Last night he returned with a grateful message. I will meet with this young boy in the weeks to come, will share a shoulder and hope to give them some comfort that there is a light at the end of the colon!

Home front is really weird. We are sharing upstairs and the boys are based downstairs. I will be moving into a rental in a couple of weeks. Joe will look at refinancing and buy me out I assume.

Work has been manageable but busy. I keep thinking of you all and feel so grateful for you individually.

I log on and feel great comfort.

Still running in the mornings to stay sane.