Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Pop some popcorn people I’m coming to do a review today.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Team

I’m going to break this down so I can try get a handle on things when I type away.

Work
Well, a major financial company has come into the picture and brought the building we are in. I work In an emergency type setting so we have a walk in medical emergency clinic, pharmacy and dental. We all work very well together and have for 25 plus years. The company who have brought the building as a so called investment due to its location on the sea front, have come in guns drawn.

The previous owners were four doctors, all working on site but wishing to retire and stop working. A year ago this financial investment company approached and made some enquires to the building and the land, they are based in main city Auckland up north.

Here in NZ land has different titles and restrictions, especially if it’s Māori land, reclaimed land or historical site of battle. We are on reclaimed land. Four weeks ago we got an email stating the new owners will be taking over in two weeks, the new lease is to be signed with some very unrealistic conditions: triple the rent money, be open seven days a week, and 10% profit at end of financial year handed over. Also, if we were to not sign the new lease we have no rights to work within a 10km radius of the clinic. We found that is illegal and they can’t do that. Oh, and lease not up for renewal in two years. The pharmacy is taking the investment company to the high court and lawyers are battling it out. If the pharmacy can’t win the case they will pack up and leave in 20 days. They are devastated.

Long story short we are moving, we are moving in 20 days as we refuse to follow the terms of agreement. I’ve managed dental practices during moving phases before, but not in such a short space of time. I’ve found a place. Three room villa in a good visable spot. I hope to sign it off this week.

Marriage: divorce is a bitch, there is a lot of anger from his side. I feel a new found sense of freedom every few days. Those are the good days. Currently the good are outweighing the bad in this topic. I don’t have to answer to him, I don’t have to wait on him all the time. Last night for the first time in I don’t know how long, I went for a beautiful walk and watched the sun set. No urgency to be home, to cook, to sit there and stare at a tv. I could be out enjoying the day ending on the horizon.
My son has seen how his dad has been behaving and moved onto camp mum. He’s been very forthcoming and open to talk, I even got a hug. This took a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Daylight saving started last weekend so the nights are longer. It’s rather nice to have an extra couple of hours of light. Normally I’m the other way around and like the dark but for some reason since the separation I have come to enjoy the longer nights. It’s all a bit of a weird experience.

I stayed at Donya’s last weekend while babysitting her kids. My ex followed me there for some reason and then turned the van around and left. Was rather alarming but I think it’s him showing his ego. I’ve never disliked someone so much. I’ve got a feeling I have pushed through the acceptance stage. He’s still angry. Even more so now he’s lost our son as his little recruit. Now he is trying to get my uncle on his side, he’s drunk 90% of the time anyway. My uncle even sent me abusive texts last Sunday because I was looking after Donya’s kids and should be home. I’m half tempted to block him. This has saddened me, he is very old fashioned about a women’s place.

I am hoping this week I can sign off on the new lease for work. Find a place to live and get out of this house.

Mentally I have good days and bad. Sleep walking like crazy.

I am absolutely in fight flight freeze currently. I am very aware of that. I just need to take a moment every couple of hours and remind myself I’m doing ok, I’m surviving this. I might of lost my marriage, but I haven’t lost my life. If anything I am getting one back.

Health: for the first time in four years and 8 months all my bloods are normal. The disease is stabilising. My two friends were with me when I got the news and we all cried together.

Much love to all. Back soon, need a shower.

[troebia]

MF, so glad you seem to be coming out of all this in one piece. I had a hunch that your son would come around eventually. Enjoy your freedom. Hope all works out with your job, and I envy your amazing drive and energy

[Mental Fairy]

Today has felt strange to be honest.

It’s the first day that it’s feeling real.

Joe accepted the end, he’s also been communicating about the sale of the house.

Matt is texting regularly showing me houses. There has been a sort of shift. I feel this heavy sad feeling coming over me.

I’ve been so used to being told what to do and when that it’s unnerving and strange.

My blood work has come back great. My appointment with oncology tomorrow morning for three month check.

I’m feeling really strange today, kind of like I want to cry and then there is this letting go feeling. I know there is a long way to go in this journey and I am aware there will be a sting in the tail.

December I have offered to crew for an ultra running team for a race. I’m not running but just crew. I felt odd I didn’t need to ask permission or sign off on it. It feels so strange

[manuel_moe_g]

“”” My son has seen how his dad has been behaving and moved onto camp mum. He’s been very forthcoming and open to talk, I even got a hug. This took a lot of weight off my shoulders.”””

Great news. So great you feel free, Mental Fairy!

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you MM. Just finding it hard to process the feeling. I can see why people would go back

[Mental Fairy]

I watched 12 people leave an office today after being told they have all been made redundant. It was horrible.

My ex is no longer talking to me because I want to continue with divorce and not stop seeing friends. Matt was working with Joe. He has decided he can’t watch his father take his anger out on others and has walked away. He will find another way to earn a living and move away from the negative influence.

The South Island is in a state of emergency with flooding. It’s a 100 year flood.

I’m also worried our practice won’t be able to move offsite fast enough to get up and running elsewhere. I’m not sure what this means for my job. It’s all become a bit much really.